Even when it hurts

Jennifer heard two bangs that sounded very similar to thunder.

It was going to be a bad day.

They’d been having a lot of bad days lately.

Jennifer listened as the hurricane upstairs destroyed everything in her path.

She was exhausted.

Please God. She begged before taking a deep breathe, softly making her way up the stairs. Jennifer knew it was going to be difficult, she wasn’t an idiot. She had researched, she watched YouTube videos, she had prayed, she had went to church, she had a phd in developmental psychology, she was ready.

Turns out a doctorate doesn’t offer much shelter when facing a hurricane.

“Ronica?” she said softly as she opened the door, bracing herself for the damage.

Veronica was sat with her back to Jennifer and her head in her hands. Her stringy brown hair covering her neck and shoulders. She snapped her head back so quickly, Jennifer was afraid she might have moved something in her neck.

“My name is not Veronica.” she said with venom, she said it slowly like a snake, enunciating every word, making sure Jennifer felt every single shot. Jennifer felt herself crumbling. She opened the door fully and stepped into the room.

Veronica jolted up.

She was in her territory now.

“What’s going on?” Jennifer tried again, dropping the “Veronica”.

“Why do you care?” the girl asked quietly, Jennifer taking this as a sign of withdrawal,  took two more steps. Wrong move.

“You’re not my mother.” she said. Jennifer felt her hands clam up.

“You don’t love me! You don’t know me!” She was shouting now.

Jennifer remembered when she picked Veronica up to bring her home for the first time. She’d had a tiny suitcase and she had worn a grey hoodie with black leggings, her brown hair as stringy as ever. Jennifer had made the decision to love Veronica then, and to love her for the rest of her life.

Jennifer looked at the girl that now stood in front of her, her face was crumpled up like paper and red, her nose flared and her mouth opened and closed. She looked like an angry tomato. Jennifer looked at Veronica’s hands clamped tightly beside her and her feet stomping.

She’d been thinking about love a lot lately, about what it meant, what it felt like, if she really had it in her, the word seemed unrecognisable to her now, even when she looked at it, it just seemed odd, incomplete.  She’d mentioned her thoughts to her work friends and they looked at her concerned, then she’d mentioned them to her women’s group and they’d said they would pray for her.

She had appreciated that.

Veronica was now walking towards her, she was pushing.

The thud, thud, thud of Veronica’s hands against her, oddly reminded her of rain, or perhaps when water dripped slowly into a bucket. Veronica’s hands didn’t hurt, there was only so much a ten year old girl could do but the shock from her hands on Jennifer’s chest caused Jennifer to take a step back every time.

“I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t want your love! Just leave me alone! Just go away!”

This hurt. Jennifer preferred the hitting.

“You don’t love me! It’s not true! It’s not!” Jennifer felt her heart in her throat.

“That’s not true.” Jennifer responded, holding Veronica’s hands.

“Don’t say that.” Jennifer knew she was crying, she wished she wasn’t. You weren’t supposed to cry in front of your child. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s not true.” Veronica continued, shouting louder as if trying to drown out Jennifer’s words. Veronica was crying too, crying and hitting and shouting.

“It’s not true.” She said finally before falling to her knees, wailing into her hands.

Jennifer looked down at the child at her feet.

She felt it then.

The love that she had been questioning, it had been there the whole time. She felt it as it made its rounds around her heart and then out of her heart, out of her chest, into her throat and into her arms and down her legs to her toes.

She knelt down and put her arms around her child. She felt her stiffen but she didn’t let go, clinging on tighter. She felt her childs’ ragged breaths and felt her lean her head on her chest. Jennifer looked out the window, the wind blew against the trees, dragging them left and right. Jennifer hugged onto her child tighter.

“I love you.” Jennifer whispered first into her hair. Incomplete.

“I love you.” she said again louder. She waited and listened to the wind outside.

“Even when it hurts.” She added. Complete. It felt complete now.

“Even when it hurts.” She heard Veronica mutter underneath her breath.

Jennifer smiled and kissed her daughter’s stringy brown hair.

They’d been having a lot of bad days lately.

But today was a good one.

 

 

 

Cupid’s laboratory 2

Dont forget to check out Cupid’s lab 1 here Cupid’s laboratory

Again, I can’t figure out the spacing, I’m sorry. 

“Oh wait, you do think it’s real, oh gosh, it feels like telling a kid santa isn’t real but very well, if I must. I’m sorry Rebecca but free will isn’t actually real, it was just made by higher-ups so that the working class feel like they actually get to choose how they run their life, you get people to serve you for longer and harder if you get them to believe that that is what they want, that that is what they chose. Okay, think about your job, the reason you go there every morning is because you believe you can quit whenever you want, the thought of you quitting and everyone caring fuels you on, but you know you won’t quit, you know you can’t, you need the money, you don’t actually want to be there.”

 

“That still doesn’t answer my other questions, you’re stalking and drugging people without their permission or knowledge!” Rebecca cried

 

“I like that you’re empathetic, it’s very important for this job. Darling, everyone knows what we do, we don’t exactly try to hide it, you yourself said you heard about us but you didn’t believe it but that’s not our fault now is it? Everyone knows, they’ve given permission, when you sign up to social media, you click on agree and what does it say in the contract? Your information will be saved and could be passed on to other companies, that’s us, when you sign contracts the fine print about where your data is going, that’s us. Now have I answered your questions? If you’d listen I’d like to make you an offer.”

 

She looked at her watch and grinned.

 

“Oh look!” she said flashing her watch in her face “One of our friends is about to tell their significant other they love them for the first time! Right on time, according to our calculations too. We just keep getting better and better.” she grinned. We stared at the watch she was showing us, in the same blue electric colour as the pills, several numbers and codes flashed on its screen.

 

“How do you know what all these numbers and codes mean?” I asked

 

“Well, I’ve been training for my position since I’ve been about five years old, this role is more of a family role you see? My dad had it and then my grandad and my great grandad, I’m actually the first woman to take up my position and not to toot my own horn or anything but I think I’ve run it better than any of them ever could.”

 

“Now I’ve got something very exciting to offer you, I want to offer you a position here, to work with me, to work with us! I know that you girls are currently the best in your individual fields and the DHCR want nothing but the best, come with me I’ll show you the deparments you’ll be working at, all state of the art technology, Rebecca I know you’re an avid fan of that.”  She said as she walked us back to the elevator.

 

“We’ll train you, we’ll pay you, we’ll take care of you, this job, I won’t lie is a very demanding job so we like to take care of our workers, we’ve got in-house therapists, in-house pets that live with us, we have work parties, work vacations where we travel out to the place of our employee of the month’s picking but because I really like you girls, I’ll let you pick just this once” she winked.

 

“This..” she said walking us through another glass door “is one of our very many labs” Rebecca and I stared in awe.

 

“Take a picture ladies, it’ll last longer. Good morning Cassandra”

 

“Chris, what did I tell you about bullying your co-workers?” Chris was an attractive guy, he too had dark hair that contrasted with his pristine labcoat and electrifying blue eyes that seemed to make with the machinery around him.

 

“This is Chris, my younger brother, he is the manages all of our biology labs” Rebecca and I looked at each other once more.

He can manage me.

 

“Nice to meet you ladies.” He said, giving us both firm hand shakes.

 

“This is Rebecca and this is Rachel, hopefully our newest recruits.” Rebecca snorted and I jabbed her gently in the spine.

 

“How long have you been working here?”

 

“Mh, about 5 years now? Some of us weren’t as lucky as Cassandra here who’s got to work here for how many years now? The entirety of her life?”

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, thank you very much. Shall we finish the tour?”

 

..

“So I would really love it if you came to work for us.” Cassandra said as we stood in front of the exit, I looked at Rebecca who was silent, probably contemplating what a shit show the place was.

 

“Yes, thank you so much for taking the time to show us around. This place is an amazing show of science and technology, it’s an honour that you want us to work for this organisation.”

 

“Amazing! Well we’ll keep in touch! Adios, see you soon!” she said and just like that, we were back to the fresh yet gloomy Edinburgh air. We walked to the train station in silent, each contemplating what we’d seen and heard.

 

“Can we get a drink before we go home?” Rebecca asked and I nodded, we walked to Rebecca’s favourite place in the world, Weatherspoon’s.

 

“What an absolute shit show.” Rebecca said as we sat down. “Can you believe that they are essentially drugging people into love? Drugging Rachel! Drugging! We need to do something, tell the police.”

 

“Don’t be so stupid Rebecca, you heard what she said, it’s not what like what they do is exactly a secret, you heard about it you just didn’t believe it and who’s not to say that they aren’t already working with the police? And what would you say? Hey y’all these guys are essentially making humanity better again and helping people find love and happiness, please arrest them. Don’t you think the police would ask why would say that? Then you’d have to say you went there and they told you about M and S and THEN you’d be breaking confidentiality and GET in trouble.”

 

“Surely you can’t actually see what they’re doing as good? Can you?”

 

“I don’t know Rebecca, so far it seems to me like they aren’t doing anything particularly wrong, they’re helping people obtain true and long lasting happiness, they’re helping people with toxic traits and live better lives. Isn’t that better than the tobacco industry or the fast food industry, I mean for the first time, human beings are actually benefitting and not being the butt of the joke.”

 

“Okay but did you see them literally press drugs into Sara and Mark’s bodies? Explain that!”

 

“Fair enough, I don’t get that but hey listen, would you rather, M spent the rest of his life angry and alone and S, marry a guy that doesn’t treat her or respect her properly and they are both super unhappy or would you rather, they get a little bit of nutrients and they’re happy for the rest of their lives? I don’t know about you but I’d rather M unknowingly gets a little norephineprine for now that for him knowingly being on anti-depressants for the rest of his life.”

 

“Ugh. If I didn’t know you, I’d think you already work for them.” Rebecca rolled her eyes as she downed her drink. I laughed and looked at my watch.

 

“What would make you even say that?”

 

Right on time.

I grinned.

 

This wasn’t the post I wanted to have up today but it won’t be ready till Wednesday so come back Wednesday! I hope you enjoyed this post tho! 

Have a blessed week,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

Cupid’s laboratory

WordPress won’t let me change the spacing so it all looks chunked together and it annoys me so much but there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m sorry :(( You can bet I won’t be recommending this site to A FRIEND. 

“Welcome to the Department of Human Connections and Relationships, the DHCR,  Cupid’s lab!” The lady grinned, her bright red lipstick overpowering her features, she had dark flowing hair that contrasted with her extremely white labcoat and soft brown eyes.
Rebecca and I looked at each other, essentially with the same thought.

That lipstick is way too red.
“Shall we jump right in? I am certain everything will begin to make sense as we continue,” she said, smiling again, she had a booming voice that sound cheerful with a hint of something else.
“We have very strict policies here because the data we hold is very confidential which is why we made you sign a very hefty confidentiality report, I’m sorry about that but protocol, what can you do, am I right?” she laughed as she led us into a transparent elevator.
“Right, if you’d just stand against these panels.” she smiled, Rebecca and I stared at each other but did as she said. She strapped us in with what seemed like a seat belt before stepping back.

“Safety.” She said before strapping herself opposite us
“Level 236.” As soon as the typed that in, it felt as though we were going down an extremely fast rollercoaster but before we could administer what was going on, we came to a halt.
“We’re here.” she smiled, I made the motion to unstrap myself.
“I wouldn’t do that yet, your body hasn’t adjusted yet and you’ll just fall to the ground like gloop.” She made us stay in the position for 5 minutes before unstrapping us, our legs did feel shaky but solid.
“Technology is amazing isn’t it? Right shall I begin with the boring stuff, so we are the DHCR like I said and we specialise in Human connections and relationships, we work using science, mathematics, psychology and technology to create long lasting relationships.”
“I’ve heard about you..” Rebecca said in disbelief “ but I didn’t think you guys actually existed..” The lady turned around with a gleam in her eyes
“Well, we are very much real,” she said walking us down a glass corridor.
“I’m taking you to one of our libraries, technically I’m not allowed to but I run this place so I can do whatever I like.” she giggled.
“This way.” She said stopping in front a giant steel door. She stopped at the doors and did signals with her hands, it was like she was signing. Rebecca and I stared at each other again.

“I’m scared.” I mouthed, Rebecca nodded.
“Oh you have nothing to be scared of Rachel, you’re not going to get hurt, I promise, it’s all really exciting really!” the lady said

“My name is Cassandra by the way, but you two are allowed to call me C, now shall we head?” she said nodding at the open door. In front of us lay a big dim room  with a huge screen, around it were rows and rows and rows of glowing blue pills held in glass circular containers.
“We’ve managed to condense information of the people that live in the district, from their genetic information to the last thing they watched on the internet onto those little pods.” She typed up a code on the screen and entered it and in a matter of nanoseconds, she had one of the little snow globes in her hand.
“So what you do is..” she said “You type in the code that is complementary to the numbers you saw me type on the screen, everyone that works in the library has to know these numbers by heart as that is the only thing we do not keep record of.”
“But there are tons here,” Rebecca said looking around
“We get them young.” she smiled “and then voila..” the snowglobe opened up and in it was the little pill, she carefully took it out and placed it into a slot on the screen. A lot of numbers in the same electric blue colour popped up on the screen.
“This is everyone that lives on that street” she said touching the screen, enlarging it.
“Pick a number, any number.” Rebecca and I looked at each other again before she stepped forward confidently and picked the third one to the right.
“Good choice, just click on it.” Rebecca clicked on it and what came up seemed a bit like a facebook profile. There was a name and last name, Mark Schatcher, a profile picture, timeline, about, friends and more, a bit underwhelming.
“Mark Schatcher is actually one of my favourites, he’s truly a special one. To be honest though, I think they’re all special, Mark came up on our radar,” she said clicking timeline and scrolling down “When he moved to this district at about 25, and the poor thing, all he really wanted was love but he was struggling with a lot of anger, it would have been a toxic relationship. So over the years we’ve been helping him with his hormone levels, inserting mostly serotonin and GABA to help him calm down and melatonin to help sleep. Looks like he’s due for a dose right now actually.” she said squinting into the screen before typing in another set of numbers.
“Our devices are linked with the electronic devices and plumbing of everyone that lives in this district, we have access to microwaves, taps, television, air vents, small things like that.”
“He’s been doing really well,” she said turning back to us, “as you can see..” she said pulling up a chart “the rate of his outbursts has sufficiently decreased since he moved here and his satisfaction with life is a lot better.”
“Is this legal?”
“Ofcourse it is! We have the best intentions for our friends and we deem them of highest regard, which is why we have such a heavy confidentiality protocol, we don’t want their information getting into the wrong hands.” she beamed again.
“Now this is where the magic really happens.” She typed in another code that caused for another snow globe to pop out from the bottom of the screen, she popped in another blue pill in another slot.
“So do you just type out the individual code to one of these balls and the computer recognises it and gets it?”
“Yes, our library devices are linked to all our libraries or databases so really all we need to know is the code and we can get the pill from anywhere in the world.”
“In the world?” Rebecca asked
“Ofcourse, we have millions of bases all over the world.”
“This is Sara” she said pulling up her profile next to his “She’s incredibly fun and in many ways very unlike Mark, you’d think they wouldn’t get on very well but according to our probability calculations, their relationship has the best outcome,  the lowest cost but the highest benefit ratio.”
“Essentially what we do is, we take a look at everyone’s genetic information, their interests, their neurochemistry, background and then we calculate what relationships are more likely to last the longest, to produce the best offspring and be of greater benefit to society. We also calculate when the two people are most likely to meet or collide I suppose, whilst we do that we get rid of any particular chemical imbalances, health, behavioural and relationship issues that might get in the way of the relationship or their life in general, in Mike’s case anger, then we move on to phase two which is very exciting!”
“What? Love at first sight?” Rebecca scoffed, Cassandra turned to face her, indignant.
“Ofcourse not! Love at first sight does not exist, but I’ll tell you what does, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin, these group of neurotransmitters make up attraction, we inject just a little bit more of that every time the pair see each other, I try to prolong it as long as possible because that’s my favourite part but we work strictly according to our calculations and today is an exciting day because today Mark is going to walk past Sara for the very first time.”
“How does that even happen? You can’t just plan people bumping into each other?” I said
“That is true..” she said before pulling up a map, some dots were pink, some dots were blue and a few of them were purple.
“These are the routes Sara and Mark have taken this month and the parts that are marked purple are the routes they’ve both taken, now according to our calculations, they are both most likely to be boarding this shuttle to central in about a few seconds, I’m so excited! Let’s watch!” she said pulling up a video
“Do you see them, right there!” she said zooming in on their faces, Mark was standing whilst Sara was sat in between and old woman and a child.
“Now watch.” we watched as Mark walked past Sara and that was it.
“Is that it?” Rebecca asked “He didn’t even look at her!”
“You weren’t focusing on the right things, now I’ll slow it down, watch again, watch the child the guy Mark has to scoot past to get out.” She slows down the video and zooms into the hand of the child, it’s extremely tiny but we see it, it’s a tiny pill, he rests his hand by the girl’s thigh and gently pushes it in, it almost looks as if he just had a slight twitch.
“That’s him injecting her with just a little of the transmitters, it breaks down into the epidermis  and dissolves into the bloodstream to the brain, now look at the guy beside Mark.” The man looks as if he’s going to grab hold on to rail, wedged in between his fingers is the pill but he clutches Mark’s hand to by accident, Mark removes his hand and moves towards the door past Sara, she zooms into his head as he walks past, we see his eyes move towards Sara’s direction, he does look at her just in the most inconspicuous way possible.
“In about 2 months, May 7th at 5:39 pm, ” she said pulling up Mark’s timeline again, “M is going to meet Esme, one of our on-ground workers, they do more of the hands on work, she’s going to act as M and S’s mutual friend, 7 months after that, December 27th, Esme will introduce M and S at a get-together and in 3 years, 6 months and approximately 17 days, M will pluck up the courage to ask S out, Beautiful isn’t it?” she smiled
“Why are you showing us this?” Rebecca asked, looking at me horrified “You’re stalking people and drugging them all without their knowledge and free wil-”
“Oh Rebecca,” Cassandra said taking out the blue pill and putting it back in its casing “people don’t want free will, they just like the idea of it, they just like the sound of it, I mean surely you don’t think you actually have free will do you?” she laughed

two.

Nestle had always been a “too” since she was a baby.

She was always too much

or too little.

She was either too small or too big

She was too strong, too rough, too passionate, she had too many edges, she asked too many questions.

Tetley had always been a “to”

He was always in the background.

He was never the subject or the object but simply took his position between them.

In his last year of high school, his 4th girlfriend (he’d had one for every year)  had had a conversation with him he had tried to forget, she was trying to break up with him and he was trying to understand why.

“This isn’t about me is it?” he asked, referring to the breakup

“That’s the problem T, this isn’t about you, it’s NEVER about you! It’s always about me, it’s always “how’s YOUR day” or “what do YOU want to do” or “okay if YOU want” It’s like your life does not exist without me, it’s like YOU don’t exist without me, without someone, like you can never be alone because then there is nothing about you. Tell me, have you ever said or done anything that wasn’t completely influenced by someone else?”

And that’s exactly what had brought him to the dodgiest centre he had ever had the displeasure of seeing. 1/2 of the neon letters in its sign had stopped working so instead of being “Bobby’s pleasure centre”, it  looked  like “Bby’s ere entr”, it looked a bit ominous if T was being honest and the thought of going home had crossed his mind but he swatted it away.

His ex girlfriend’s words had stayed with him even though he was in his third year of University now, he had seen the advertisement for this free ballroom dancing class on gumtree and the conversation he  had with her came flooding back to him because he  once told her it was something he’d like to do, but she said it was too cringey so he didn’t. He signed up without much thought, that would show her, also the girl he was currently talking to said she really liked boys who did “out of character” things, joining the rugby team at his University was most certainly not an option as his somewhat skinny frame would break if any of the athletic rugby lads so much as looked at him and atleast if he embarrassed himself here, no one would know about it.

She had noticed him first.

He wasn’t exceptionally good looking but Nestle liked that, she didn’t like boys that were goodlooking, she always found them somewhat inauthentic, he had a boyish features and ginger hair, features that she wouldn’t normally find attractive but he worked with them well.

Nestle was certain she had found the love of her life or maybe it’s the dim lighting and the adrenaline from the fact that there is atleast one cute guy here, she smiled at the thought.

Well I hope he doesn’t wear that shirt at our wedding, Nestle laughed silently and rolled her eyes at the thought. I’m so annoying. 

T scanned the room, there was a comfortable amount of people, comfortable in that it wasn’t cramped enough to feel claustrophobic but not too few to feel self conscious. There was a good mix of guys and women but it seemed as though most were either couples or  friends, everyone seemed to know each other. His eyes stopped at a girl who seemed to be a bit farther away from the crowd, she was a black girl with cool dark blue braids in, T had had enough black friends to know that that probably wasn’t her real hair and to know that commenting on it was probably not the best conversation starter, except maybe if it was a compliment but then she’d probably have heard that a lot. He still thought it was cool though.

She was smiling and maybe it was the lighting but she had a beautiful smile.

The instructor called for everyone to gather in a circle, possibly introduce himself and give some instructions, T wasn’t  paying attention.

His eyes looked for hers again.

She was standing right underneath the light this time, directly opposite him. Her eyes were gleaming and she tilted her neck slightly, she stared at the instructor in deep concentration, she was quite cute. His eyes moved downwards, she was wearing a black turtle neck and mid length tartan skirt. He looked down at his own choice of attire, a purple and white plaid shirt and jeans, his favourite.

T was never one to shy away from conversation or from people, he liked talking, he liked making jokes, he liked being around people, it made him feel cool, for lack of better word and  under normal circumstances, he would just stroll to her and ask her if she’d be his partner but she made him nervous, like she might look at him and see his whole life and not be interested.

The instructor was now calling for everyone to find partners and everyone was looking to each other, she had moved away from the light.

Waiting.

Waiting to be chosen, she sighed and looked around, she couldn’t understand why people never chose her, why she was always left on the sidelines. She looked at the cute guy who was currently staring at another girl, this always happened to her, she was never going to be chosen.

He wasn’t sure what to do but he knew he didn’t really have much time to think, it was either now or never. His legs started first and before he knew he was right in front of her,  he had walked up to her and she couldn’t believe it, she was smiling again, this time with teeth and she was beautiful.

And she was still beautiful when he placed his arm, in the most cutest awkward way she had ever seen, around her waist.

And gosh, was she beautiful when he spun her, because her skirt spun too and she laughed and if this was a ball, she would definitely be the belle.

“So what’s your name?” she asked in the break, her eyes soft but like fire at the same time, piercing, daring almost.

“Well people call me T,” he responded hoping she wouldn’t ask him his full name “What’s yours?”

“Surely, it must come from something,” she laughed “What’s your full name?” she sounded like she actually cared about what he had to say, she looked like she wanted to know everything about him.

“Promise you won’t laugh, I hate my name, like I feel like my parents were having a laugh when they named me.” He said smiling, she laughed, he had such a lovely smile and his voice was nothing like anything she thought she would be attracted to but she loved it, she would have never thought that an Irish accent could  be remotely sexy, especially after how many times she had heard it.

“Let’s hear it then.”

“My full name is Tetley,” she couldn’t help laughing at the coincidence, it was just too humorous.

“I told you not to laugh!” he said like a child, which only made her laugh harder. he had an amused expression on his face which made her crush for him intensify and his eyes, his eyes were so piercing, they made her feel like a girl and a woman at the same time.

“No! No!” she said in between giggles “It’s not that, it’s just..” she said

“Just what?” he asked, crossing his arms again like a defensive child.

“My name is Nestle.” He couldn’t contain it himself either and laughed

“Are you serious?” He said through chuckles

“I guess our parents really enjoyed breakfast beverages.”

The conversation rolled on for the rest of the night. She called him Tea and he in return called her Mocha, because that was her favourite coffee. He went to the University of Edinburgh and she went to Heriot Watt, she gave him the facts about why Heriot Watt was superior, he didn’t agree. They both agreed One Direction was the best thing that happened to them  however he was very “After Zayn” and she was “Before Zayn”.

She was different, she had responses.

He listened.

She was fast with her remarks.

He asked questions.

She understood all his references.

He knew his memes.

She even had ones he did not recognise.

There were so many things she could tag him in.

She was funny.

He laughed at her jokes.

She was energetic.

He was grounded.

She was eager.

He was calm.

She asked questions.

He didn’t make her feel like a nuisance.

She was passionate.

He understood.

She was strong.

He was strong.

Even though she was little, her personality was big and she wasn’t afraid.

Even though he was big, he didn’t make her feel little.

She was honest.

He was kind.

She made him feel like he was the most interesting person in the world, he actually started believing he might be.

He made her feel just enough.

 

The class ended too quickly.

She wasn’t ready to go home yet, he had to make her stay.

He had to.

“Anywhere I can take you to?” He asked, grinning.

“Well, I guess I’m not too tired.” She responded.

And so they left together, to find a place for two.

 

OVER weight: my story

Hey boos,

How is it going? good? that’s good.

I’ve decided I’m gonna do a series called OVER weight which follows my weight journey. This was supposed to be one blog post but I realised I have a lot to say so it’s gonna be a 3 part series. The next one is gonna go in depth with my relationship with food but this one is more about how it all began and where I’m at now.

Today’s topic is gonna be a hard hitting one but let’s not make it awkward though. Let’s remember that this was then and now is now and I’m more than good now. I think it’s good to talk about these things because someone might be going through it right now and they might see or read something like this and feel better.

Anyway so back then, I didn’t really have a good relationship with my weight, not anyone’s fault, there was no childhood trauma that made me rely on food as a crutch, I had a really great childhood. When I was really young, I did not enjoy eating and it was a struggle for my parents to get me to eat but I had a really bad sweet tooth so it wasn’t long before I started putting on weight.

I don’t remember weight being an issue for me until I got into primary school.

Kids were vicious and I’m not going to play the victim card because I know I was vicious too so again, it was no one’s fault. I got picked on a lot because of my weight (I wore glasses as well so that didn’t really help my situation). I left the school and things got better because I went to a new school where I was appreciated and my weight wasn’t made fun of  but the damage had already been done.

My weight became my touchy subject and I always saw myself as overweight even when I wasn’t.

I moved countries and became even more aware of my weight, I had lost most of my baby fat by then but I could not shake off the feeling of being overweight. I remember a girl, my friend, poked my stomach once through my hoodie and I shrinked, I didn’t want her to feel my big stomach. Holland was good for me though, we ate very healthy and biked everywhere, I was probably my most fit then.

It got worse when we moved again though, this time to Aberdeen. Biking didn’t really happen anymore because we took the bus, I had friends again and a wide variety of unhealthy places to go out to eat, we still ate healthy at home though. It got worse because all I could see was how overweight I was (even though I wasn’t really..) and gaining weight was my biggest fear. I used to hate my body, I have this memory of just staring at myself in the mirror and looking at my thighs (so cliche) and just feeling so ugly.

I wanted to be skinny but I couldn’t, I would eat unhealthy things or just too much and then feel guilty then I would try to make myself throw up the food so atleast it wouldn’t be in my stomach (it never stuck, thank God) but I couldn’t get myself to throw up. Now I like to think that it was God helping me out but back then I did not see it like that. I frequently asked if I was gaining weight and I thought, if I could just be thinner then I would be attractive so I would run heavily for two weeks at a time, give up, eat a ton of junk food, feel bad, run again for two weeks and it was a constant cycle.

I would watch youtube videos with girls that looked thin (not on purpose, that’s just what they looked like) then I’d google how to get a flat stomach in 2 weeks.

I just wanted to be thin. I just wanted to be thin fast.

I went to a church camp, came back and I remember looking at myself in the mirror a few weeks after and not feeling that hate that I felt and that was probably the beginning of the end.

It took me a while to learn to exercise not for other people but for myself, and it wasn’t really until this year that I learnt to exercise for health rather than out of desperation.

There are still times when I look at myself when I was younger and feel upset because I was thinner then, there are still times when I binge out and then feel extremely guilty and frustrated at myself.

I’ve learned to appreciate myself through it all though and I’ve seen that growth in myself.  Last month I think, I put one of my old graduation dresses on and I couldn’t zip it up all the way, if that were me even just at the beginning of the year, that would have pushed me into despair, I would be upset and sad and disappointed.  This time, I was sad for a few minutes, I took off the dress and put it away and decided that if I wanted to fit in that dress again, I had to do it healthily through exercise and good food. It might not happen in a week or a month but through persistence and consistency.

I’m not gonna lie and say I’m no longer affected, if I’m being honest, gaining weight is still a big, big fear. Sometimes I catch myself not eating because I want to lose weight but I know now that, that does not help.

So what changed?

Me.

I changed.

I began to see exercise as something you did for yourself, I see the joy in working out. I’m gonna sound like a #GymLad right now but I feel so good after getting a good work out, to me working out is an easy way to achieve goals. If I tell myself I want to run on the threadmill for 20 minutes and my body surprises me and I run for 30 minutes, I feel proud, I feel happy, I dance around the gym (depending on how many people are there)

I actually enjoy eating healthy. I like the way I feel when I have a salad or when I exercise self control and cook instead of getting a takeaway.

It is something that takes a while especially if you’ve been made fun of as a kid for being fat, that’s the kind of thing that sticks to you but I think once you realize that  weight isn’t something that chains you down, you can lose it if you want to, sure it takes effort but you can do it.

Only when you learn to admire yourself, can you really begin to admire yourself in motion. It’s only when you appreciate your legs that you can really love how strong they feel when they’re running and you’ll learn to love the pain because it reminds you that you DID THAT.

Am I still gonna see pretty thin girls, or pretty curvy girls on my instagram and feel bad?

Yea, maybe a little but I’ll remind myself that my body is great too and so is everyone’s. It’s kept me moving this far, it’s taken you from point a to b for this long, there’s beauty in that.

It also helps that the maker of the heavens and earth loves and cherishes me the way I am 🙂

But yeah, this is part one. See you next week Wednesday for part two.

Have a blessed week,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

What’s in my drafts 2

Hey boos!
Merry Christmas and Happy new year!
I know I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve just been very busy. Here is another what’s in my drafts post for you and if you’re new, what’s in my drafts is when I go into my notes and pick out whatever story I’m working on. You can find the first one here.
I hope you enjoy this one, this story is copyrighted and all rights are reserved.
Everyone had their talent and every superhero had their weapon, Delilah’s was manipulation  It was her talent, her craft, her skill and just as people worked to progress in their various fields, Delilah worked to progress in her manipulation. She took inspiration where she could and of course her favorite character was Iago from Othello. His ability to cause so much chaos with just a few words always managed to amuse her. 
Delilah first recognized it really was her talent when she was eight years old, in school all the girls in her class and even some in the class above raved about a certain pack of glitter pens that could erase themselves. If Delilah managed to get her hands on them, she would become the most popular girl in her class and all the girls and guys who come to like her and play the games she wanted to play and ask for her permission before doing certain things like they did with Susan at the time, she wanted that. Her problem was that, even at that young age, Delilah knew that her dad was a fickle man with a very tight fist, asking him outright to buy her the pens like some children could do would get her in a lot of trouble. Her mother, on the other hand, adored her children but she always stood firmly by her husband, if her dad said it was a no, then it was staying a no. She wasn’t the smartest child, she knew that, her eldest brother was so she couldn’t entice her dad with good results, plus she was eight, he wouldn’t take her seriously and she wasn’t the sportiest either, that was her bigger sister and she most certainly wasn’t the prettiest or the cutest like her youngest sister was, it seemed like the odds were against but Delilah wouldn’t give in. 
Delilah observed her parents for weeks, looking for some sort of crack and she finally found one. Her father, although she absolutely loved him, was an arrogant man and liked to be reminded of his accomplishments and how good looking he was and how good of a job he was doing, she knew that because whenever her mother praised him, he always had a twinkle in his eyes and smile that would last the entire day all the way till the next day. Her mother adored her children and that was her problem, she adored them too much, she couldn’t stand to see any of them sad and if they were she would do her absolute best to make them happy again. Delilah waited for another week before putting her plan into action. She approached her father when they were without their mother, she sat next to him whilst the others were engrossed by the television. 
“Dad, do you know something?” he looked at his daughter, letting her know she could go on. 
“My teacher gave us this assignment to write about the best person in the world and she told us that whoever wrote the best one would get a star with their name on it” her father nodded
“I wrote about you,” Delilah paused as she watched his face light up “and she gave me a star, she told me it was so convincing and good and that I must have put a lot of effort in my work, and I told her that it wasn’t hard at all because my dad is easily the best person in the world.” Her dad laughed, the twinkling back in his eyes. He picked her up and gave her a peck on the cheek
“You’re easily the best girl in the world” and she smiled, her other siblings looked at her before turning back to the television, she was planning something but they didn’t say anything because their parents wouldn’t believe them anyway. They had always known she was mischievous but it seemed like no one else saw it, they tried not to mind too much, after all she was the reason why they all got an increase in pocket money and for that, they would be eternally grateful. 
Delilah didn’t mention anything more for another two weeks and then she would say something that would tickle his ego, she did this cycle continuously, asking him questions that he definitely knew the answers to and then praising him afterward, something she’d noticed her mom do whenever she wanted to ask for something. Doing this typically everyday man is on the block! made him forget whatever rude or bad thing she had done giving him only good memories of her behavior. 
She waited for a few more days and went to her mother and told her about these new gels pens that were going about the school but she didn’t say more than that and quickly changed the topic. There was no way she, herself could ask her dad for something, he’d fish her out immediately, no, she had to go through her mother. After her mother picked her up from school, she would usually ask her for a cookie from the cookie jar, which her mother would typically grant to her. However on that very day, Delilah went straight to her room, she purposefully broke two of her absolute favourite pens, it hurt her to do it at the time but she was determined to get those gel pens. She broke them, sat down and began to cry. About 5 minutes later, her mother noticing that she didn’t come down to ask for a cookie, walked into her room to find out what the matter was and of course, like any mother would agree, her daughter crying caused her great distress. 
“Delilah? What’s wrong?” her mother said at the door, she pretended not to hear and sobbed loudly. 
“Delilah?” her mother came closer, she quickly wiped her tears away and turned around. 
“Oh mommy, I didn’t see you there.” 
“What’s wrong chicken?” her mother asked and just as she had planned, Delilah broke down. 
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to come off as ungrateful..”
“Tell mommy what’s wrong?”
“All the girls in my school have gel pens and I don’t and I didn’t care because I had these two special pens” she said showing her mother “and now they’re broken” crying more, her mother knowing how much she loved those pens couldn’t bear to see her daughter in such distress. 
“It’s okay, it’s okay, we’ll get you new pens”
“It won’t be the same” she wailed “These pens are special”
“We’ll get you new ones, the best ones, what about those erasable gel pens I heard about? those sound nice” Delilah shook her head
“I don’t want them.” 
“Oh come on, you’ll love them” by now, Delilah’s wails turned to murmurs, she cleared her nose and looked at her hands and then asked 
“Can I get a cookie as well please?” her mother chuckled 
Okay hunny.” 
“two?” she asked, outstepping the boundaries
“Okay, but only because you’ve had such a rubbish day.” Delilah smiled and just like that, 2 days later, Delilah stepped into school proudly with her gel pens and a pretty new bow that her dad had bought for her because she was being such a good girl. 
As she sat there, proudly whilst the girls looked at her pens sat neatly on her desk, Delilah felt even prouder than the fastest, most intelligent, prettiest person in the world. 
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Make sure to comment, like and follow! And if you still can’t get enough of me my social media links are on the right.
Lots of love,
Have a blessed day,
Gedo xx

What’s in my drafts: 1

Hey boos,

I haven’t written in exactly 15 days (not that I’ve been counting, it’s just that wordpress let’s you know how many days ago you made your last post.)

It’s not like I haven’t been writing, I have been writing just not blog-y stuff, I just haven’t had the motivation to but I’m going to try my hardest to get it back. Anyway though, I decided since we’re best friends and I love you all. Why don’t I share some of the writing that I have been working? Since I’ve been spending all my time doing it instead of blogging, I might as well show you what I’ve been working on.

Before we start though, I know you guys noticed something a little different *coughTHEFEATUREDIMAGEHASCHANGEDcough* What do we think? I quite like it, I think it pops out at you which is exactly what I want and it’s very all in your face (like me lol) So what do we think? Which one do you guys prefer? My really, really old one (The ones who were here from the beginning will know), the one with the girl illustration on it or this one?

Okay back to the matter at hand.

So the first draft I’m going to show you, hasn’t actually got a title yet, it’s all still very much in the works. So here’s what I have so far, also don’t destroy me about grammar okay? We all know writers aren’t the best at grammar (lol we don’t all know this and I’m pretty sure it’s just me.)

“Hey, I love you.” 
“Yea, yea, can I go now?”
…………………………..
“Where are you going?” I gasped dropping my backpack on the floor and the contents spilling out, phone, charger, my wallet, snacks. 
“You scared me, nowhere,” I said picking up my stuff, I looked up at him and ran my fingers through my hair “Nowhere, I’m just going for a drive.”
He stared at me for a very long time, his sharp blue eyes moving back at forth from my bag back to my face as if he was looking for something. After a while, his facial expressions fell and the usual tired one that hadn’t left his face these past few days returned. 
“Okay,” he said, finally “Just, make sure you come back.” I gave him a small smile and turned my back on him before releasing a small sigh. 
“Will you call me?” he asked, I turned to face him again, slightly shocked. He gave me a tired smile. 
“I don’t know,” I responded, this was the first conversation we had had since he flew down about a week ago, we didn’t know how to talk anymore. He was always the cheerful uncle, the happy uncle, the uncle that brought good news. He wasn’t prepared for any of it, but then again who could really blame him, it wasn’t like this had ever happened before. 
“Well, see ya when you get back? Maybe then we’ll talk.” I nodded before turning my back on him again and slipping out the back door. It was about 4 am and the air stung my cheeks. The sun was just rising and had painted the sky a beautiful purple and pink shade, the trees at the back huddled together and instead of giving me the comfort like they usually did, they looked threateningly inauspicious. I shivered before walking through the back gate to the front of the house, where my car was parked. I passed the back because I wanted to avoid the telltale front door, it would have creaked and woken everybody up and then I  would have had a lot of explaning to do.
 
I opened the door to my car, an old second hand toyota that had one too many repairs and was a lot more work than it was worth but I couldn’t just give Olivia up like that, we had an inexplicable bond. I got into the car and sat for a moment, not turning on the car, just sitting. I gazed at my neighbourhood, a place that had once held countless happy memories, summers of bike rides and when my hot neighbour moved in, all clouded by just this one. I squeezed the stirring wheel of the car so tightly that it left a red mark on my palm. I looked at the house that was sitting beside mine, the lights were turned off except for the one, the one in Callum’s bedroom. Callum was a certified night-owl, who’s light only went off when the sun light seeped into his window. I hadn’t said anything to him, in fact I hadn’t said anything to anybody but he knew, they all did somehow.
He had come, he brought flowers, and for the first time since he moved here he noticed me but I didn’t care anymore. He hugged me as well, at a point in my life I would have lost sleep over it but then, when it happened, after everything, I couldn’t wait to get out of it. 
I hesitated for a minute before starting the car.
I drove and drove and drove and drove and didn’t stop driving until my street became just another line on google maps. 
…………………………….
Sooooo what are we thinking? do we like? do we not like? What is she running away from? And who’s this Callum guy anyway, is he important??? is he the hot neighbour??? (I can answer this one right now and tell you, yes, yes he is.)
Let me know what you think, would you like to read more? Would like to see more of what’s in my draft? Lemme know in the comments below or dm me by hitting me up on one of social medias, everything available on the cute little isle on the side.
Have a blessed day,
Lots of love,
Gedo xx
p.s. it’s copyrighted, don’t steal thx

killjoy

Hey boos,

for this post, I decided to post this continuation of “Killjoy”, I hope you enjoy.

 

. . . . . . . . .

Ejura yawned and scrolled down Instagram idly. She was on summer break and had nothing to do, her father had come back to visit 3 days ago and her brother was due to arrive at London any minute now, her parents had just gone to the airport to pick him up. Her parents had said when they got back they had something important to speak about. Ejura wasn’t too bothered, it was probably about her report card, she hadn’t done too well in a few subjects, C’s scattered round here and there but she already knew how to handle her parents with a formula her brother had taught her.

“Yes I’m sorry I did badly in …… I think it was because of my ………, I think if I do …………………… and …………………. And got a tutor in …………………………… I will get better grades” then after a couple of weeks complain that the tutor is teaching something a different method than your actual teacher at school is teaching you or your tutor told you this but your teacher told you that if you did it that way during the final exams you won’t get any points on it, after a couple of weeks your parents are bound to give up on the tutor. Several minutes, Poe began barking and Ejura knew someone was at the door, seconds  later the doorbell rang

“Right as always Poe” she said and opened the door

“Ugbede!” she said and opened her arms to hug him, she’d never admit it but she secretly enjoyed it whenever he came to visit, the house would be less quiet and finally there’d be someone else available to take Poe on his walks.

“Jurior” Ejura cringed, he’d been calling her that since she was an enfant, when he was seven he thought he was smart and put together Jur, her nickname and Junior together and it’s never left him. Not to mention, he was only 6 years older than her.

“shut up, where’s mommy and daddy”

“they’re coming” he wheeled in his bag and took it into his room, her dad and her mother followed after

“welcome back” she said to her parents

“ah, Ejura,  A  egbó?” her father responded in her native language

“Lafia” Ejura couldn’t speak her native language, she could understand it and she knew the basic greetings but she could not speak it, something she would grow to regret.

“Go and call your brother, we have something to discuss with the both of you” her mother said

“Now? We just got back home, Ugbede hasn’t even sat down”

“Sooner than later, they need to know, I’m tired, he can sit down afterwards” her mother responded

“Okay, go and call your brother Ejura” Ejura walked to her brother’s room, she was very confused, why were they involving her brother, wasn’t it just her grades?

“Ugbede” she called for him as she entered into his room. He looked at her annoyed

“Can’t you knock?” Ejura ignored him and looked over his shoulder, he was facetiming someone, a girl.

“Who is that? Who are you talking to? Is that a girl?” she walked in closer to get a better look, completely forgetting what her mother had called her to do.

“It’s none of your business” her brother said, defensively, blocking her.

“Oh defensive, defensive” she responded, she could hear a little laugh coming from his phone.

“Is that your girlfriend?” she asked

“Maybe, shut up, don’t tell mom and dad, I’ll tell them myself”  he replied lowering his voice so the girl wouldn’t hear. Ejura suddenly remembered why she was there.

“Mom and dad are calling you; they say they have something to tell us”

“Okay go then, let me finish this call, and close the door after you” Ejura shrugged and left his room, closing the door after her but she did not leave, she stuck her ear through the keyhole and listened.

“Sorry, yeah that was Jurior, I mean Ejura, yeah okay I have to go, my parents need me, yeah, okay, yeah, love you” Ejura’s eyes widened, her brother just told a girl he loved her. Flashbacks of him in high school crossed her mind, girls coming to meet her to ask if her brother had spoken about them, if they knew who he liked, if they could get his number from her. He had made her quite popular at their school. She never thought she would see the day where she heard him say the words “I love you” to a girl. Strange things truly were happening.

She walked to the living room where her parents had already made themselves comfortable. Her dad sat on the massage chair at the end of the room whilst her mother sat on the sofa next to him. Ejura took the chair opposite them; Poe came and sat at her feet whilst Ugbede took the seat next to her.

Her dad cleared his throat, Ugbede and Ejura looked at each other. They both knew that their father clearing his throat before speaking was a bad omen. The last time he cleared his throat was when he was announcing the death of their grandfather, Ugbede’s best friend at the time.  Ejura became uncomfortable in her cushioned chair.

…………………..

Have a blessed day,

Gedo xx

Killjoy

Killjoy is a novel that I’m slowly chipping away at, here is a little bit of an excerpt from it. I hope you enjoy and comment below your thoughts. 

Ejura sat cushioned wooden seat and stared at the woman through the mirror in front of her. She watched as the woman carefully sectioned her hair doing it over and over again till there was a distinct straight line. The woman had the potential to be pretty, she had the cheekbones and the defined jawline and she was a beautiful shade of black. If she was born under the right circumstances, was at the right place at the right time, God touched her life, she could have been a model, a successful one at that. Ejura wondered if she was aware of this, aware that she could be a successful model. She wondered if the woman dreamt about being famous and signing autographs like Sarafina. She looked at the woman again whose face was filled with concentration as she braided the attachment into her hair. Ejura remembered being confused when she got back from school that fateful Friday and her mother told her that the next day she would be going to the salon to get her hair braided. Braiding her hair was not the surprising element as she had her hair braided every month but what surprised her was the fact she was going to the salon to do it. Her mother had never let her go to salon to get her hair done, not since they arrived London 10 years ago.

She asked her mother why once and all she got was “why waste money and time when I can do it for you myself in the comforts of my own home, instead of you to be grateful that I can do it here for you you’re asking me stupid questions, let’s see who will do your hair for you now” and that was the end of that.

That wasn’t the only surprising thing that had happened in the past month. Everyone in their family knew that Ejura’s mother was a woman of steel, the woman that never showed any weakness and never cried but just the other night, Ejura was walking past her parent’s room to the kitchen because she was thirsty and she could hear soft sobbing from the room. There was nobody else in there but her mother and she was sure of it because her dad moved back to Nigeria two years before and her brother Ugbede had gone to University the year before, it was just her, her mother and Poe, her dog who was sleeping in her bed. Ejura remembered going to bed unable to sleep and confused as ever. Not to mention, little by little things of hers began to go missing. Three days ago she was looking for this cute top that she distinctly remembered putting in the washing machine but she couldn’t find it anywhere and even though she asked her mother about it, she didn’t get a response, she could have also sworn that her closet was looking smaller and smaller everyday.

Ejura sighed and picked up her phone, she just could not understand what was happening. Even her brother was acting suspicious, he usually never bothered her but now every other day he would text her asking her if everything was okay and if she was feeling well, she just could not understand what was going on. Ejura looked at her phone and her face lit up,  she had received a Snapchat from her best friend Gloria, Gloria had moved back to Nigeria 3 months ago and was now in boarding school where she wasn’t allowed to have her mobile phone so Ejura had to wait for holidays before she could talk to her. She opened the chat to see a picture of Gloria’s face with the caption “finally homeeeee”. Gloria was seriously losing weight, Ejura quickly responded to her with a snapchat of her lap and added a caption asking her how she was and how boarding school was treating her.  Ejura missed Gloria dearly, Gloria was her best friend in the entire world and she would have done anything to see her again however she couldn’t help but be glad that she wasn’t the one moving back to Nigeria, she wouldn’t have been able to handle it. She hadn’t been back to Nigeria since she had left there 10 years ago when she was 6 and now she was sixteen.

“do you want me to put it in hot water for you?” the woman asked breaking Ejura’s train of thought

“do you want me to put it in hot water for you?” the woman asked again, small irritation hidden in her voice.

“yes please” Ejura looked at the hair on her head, the braids were shorter than she was used to, stopping at her collar bone but they suited her so she could not complain. Taking up her phone again, she dialled her mom’s number to tell her that she was done with the hair and they were just putting it in hot water now. She looked back at the woman that made her hair who was now pouring the boiled water into a bowl. Ejura then noticed the huge scar running from the back of her neck to the front, she shook her head in pity, they would never let her be a model with such a hideous scar.

Lots of love,

Gedo xx