Cupid’s laboratory 2

Dont forget to check out Cupid’s lab 1 here Cupid’s laboratory

Again, I can’t figure out the spacing, I’m sorry. 

“Oh wait, you do think it’s real, oh gosh, it feels like telling a kid santa isn’t real but very well, if I must. I’m sorry Rebecca but free will isn’t actually real, it was just made by higher-ups so that the working class feel like they actually get to choose how they run their life, you get people to serve you for longer and harder if you get them to believe that that is what they want, that that is what they chose. Okay, think about your job, the reason you go there every morning is because you believe you can quit whenever you want, the thought of you quitting and everyone caring fuels you on, but you know you won’t quit, you know you can’t, you need the money, you don’t actually want to be there.”

 

“That still doesn’t answer my other questions, you’re stalking and drugging people without their permission or knowledge!” Rebecca cried

 

“I like that you’re empathetic, it’s very important for this job. Darling, everyone knows what we do, we don’t exactly try to hide it, you yourself said you heard about us but you didn’t believe it but that’s not our fault now is it? Everyone knows, they’ve given permission, when you sign up to social media, you click on agree and what does it say in the contract? Your information will be saved and could be passed on to other companies, that’s us, when you sign contracts the fine print about where your data is going, that’s us. Now have I answered your questions? If you’d listen I’d like to make you an offer.”

 

She looked at her watch and grinned.

 

“Oh look!” she said flashing her watch in her face “One of our friends is about to tell their significant other they love them for the first time! Right on time, according to our calculations too. We just keep getting better and better.” she grinned. We stared at the watch she was showing us, in the same blue electric colour as the pills, several numbers and codes flashed on its screen.

 

“How do you know what all these numbers and codes mean?” I asked

 

“Well, I’ve been training for my position since I’ve been about five years old, this role is more of a family role you see? My dad had it and then my grandad and my great grandad, I’m actually the first woman to take up my position and not to toot my own horn or anything but I think I’ve run it better than any of them ever could.”

 

“Now I’ve got something very exciting to offer you, I want to offer you a position here, to work with me, to work with us! I know that you girls are currently the best in your individual fields and the DHCR want nothing but the best, come with me I’ll show you the deparments you’ll be working at, all state of the art technology, Rebecca I know you’re an avid fan of that.”  She said as she walked us back to the elevator.

 

“We’ll train you, we’ll pay you, we’ll take care of you, this job, I won’t lie is a very demanding job so we like to take care of our workers, we’ve got in-house therapists, in-house pets that live with us, we have work parties, work vacations where we travel out to the place of our employee of the month’s picking but because I really like you girls, I’ll let you pick just this once” she winked.

 

“This..” she said walking us through another glass door “is one of our very many labs” Rebecca and I stared in awe.

 

“Take a picture ladies, it’ll last longer. Good morning Cassandra”

 

“Chris, what did I tell you about bullying your co-workers?” Chris was an attractive guy, he too had dark hair that contrasted with his pristine labcoat and electrifying blue eyes that seemed to make with the machinery around him.

 

“This is Chris, my younger brother, he is the manages all of our biology labs” Rebecca and I looked at each other once more.

He can manage me.

 

“Nice to meet you ladies.” He said, giving us both firm hand shakes.

 

“This is Rebecca and this is Rachel, hopefully our newest recruits.” Rebecca snorted and I jabbed her gently in the spine.

 

“How long have you been working here?”

 

“Mh, about 5 years now? Some of us weren’t as lucky as Cassandra here who’s got to work here for how many years now? The entirety of her life?”

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, thank you very much. Shall we finish the tour?”

 

..

“So I would really love it if you came to work for us.” Cassandra said as we stood in front of the exit, I looked at Rebecca who was silent, probably contemplating what a shit show the place was.

 

“Yes, thank you so much for taking the time to show us around. This place is an amazing show of science and technology, it’s an honour that you want us to work for this organisation.”

 

“Amazing! Well we’ll keep in touch! Adios, see you soon!” she said and just like that, we were back to the fresh yet gloomy Edinburgh air. We walked to the train station in silent, each contemplating what we’d seen and heard.

 

“Can we get a drink before we go home?” Rebecca asked and I nodded, we walked to Rebecca’s favourite place in the world, Weatherspoon’s.

 

“What an absolute shit show.” Rebecca said as we sat down. “Can you believe that they are essentially drugging people into love? Drugging Rachel! Drugging! We need to do something, tell the police.”

 

“Don’t be so stupid Rebecca, you heard what she said, it’s not what like what they do is exactly a secret, you heard about it you just didn’t believe it and who’s not to say that they aren’t already working with the police? And what would you say? Hey y’all these guys are essentially making humanity better again and helping people find love and happiness, please arrest them. Don’t you think the police would ask why would say that? Then you’d have to say you went there and they told you about M and S and THEN you’d be breaking confidentiality and GET in trouble.”

 

“Surely you can’t actually see what they’re doing as good? Can you?”

 

“I don’t know Rebecca, so far it seems to me like they aren’t doing anything particularly wrong, they’re helping people obtain true and long lasting happiness, they’re helping people with toxic traits and live better lives. Isn’t that better than the tobacco industry or the fast food industry, I mean for the first time, human beings are actually benefitting and not being the butt of the joke.”

 

“Okay but did you see them literally press drugs into Sara and Mark’s bodies? Explain that!”

 

“Fair enough, I don’t get that but hey listen, would you rather, M spent the rest of his life angry and alone and S, marry a guy that doesn’t treat her or respect her properly and they are both super unhappy or would you rather, they get a little bit of nutrients and they’re happy for the rest of their lives? I don’t know about you but I’d rather M unknowingly gets a little norephineprine for now that for him knowingly being on anti-depressants for the rest of his life.”

 

“Ugh. If I didn’t know you, I’d think you already work for them.” Rebecca rolled her eyes as she downed her drink. I laughed and looked at my watch.

 

“What would make you even say that?”

 

Right on time.

I grinned.

 

This wasn’t the post I wanted to have up today but it won’t be ready till Wednesday so come back Wednesday! I hope you enjoyed this post tho! 

Have a blessed week,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

Kind for kindness sake

“Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Hey boos,

How are you?

I haven’t been on this scene in such a long time, I apologise. I’m probably the worst blogger ever at this point but never fear, I’m genuinely going to try and upload more times a week because I have a lot of thoughts. Shall we try Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 

Today, I want to talk about kindness and why it is so important for us to make sure we show kindness to everyone, every single person.  The definition of kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. We live in a society today, and I say this all the time, where being mean is glorified. It’s worse in Western societies where we have individualistic values, so instead of pouring into the community, pouring into each other, we’d rather pour into ourselves which is good, but not all the time.

I really believe that kindness is often times the right choice, we can’t read each other minds or know what the other person is thinking and because of that, it’s so important to treat each and everyone with kindness and respect.

The things that I remember the most and love to remember the most are kind actions that people have done to me, like once I had to carry my suitcase up some flight of stairs and I remember being a little bit stressed because I had to carry it and this guy, randomly out of nowhere comes and he takes my suitcase and helps me carry it up the flight of stairs, (S/O to you dude, I hope you’re good). I remember when I was ill and my friend went and got paracetamol for me and another time when I was ill and one of my friends helped me get something from the supermarket.

When we put ourselves in the mind of kindness, we make small yet powerful impacts in the lives of others. I truly believe that the world smiles back at us when we are kind,  kind consistently and kind for kindness sake. Call me cheesy but I wholeheartedly believe in the phrase “when you smile at the world, the world smiles back”. When we are kind to other people, we become more positive, life is a little sweeter, we enjoy things a lot more.

Myself for example, I spent a long portion of my life believing that being mean was cool, that if I didn’t smile and if I pretended I was cold and unfeeling, people would respect me and want to get to know me but I wasn’t really content*, the relationships I had never really ran deep, I honestly just wasn’t having a good time. Then I got closer to God and my faith and saw how much God talked about love so I embraced that idea and honestly my life is a lot better, I feel a lot more positive, I’m genuinely excited about life and I genuinely love people (people still annoy me A LOT tho, dont get me wrong)

I’m not saying that there will be one big overnight change, you smile at one person and all of a sudden your anxiety goes away but I think if we take small steps to get outside of our heads, the moment we learn to do things for another person’s benefits; small things like open doors, smile more, be there for friends and family, be encouraging, be more appreciative, rather than thinking about what WE might gain from it, we are one step closer to finding contentedness in this fast paced, over-achieving world.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this tidbit, let me know what you think in the comments below!

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

*Now I’m not saying that everyone is like or should be like me, there are some people who are naturally reserved or really shy or are just not very good at being there for other people. Being kind can be different for everyone depending on who you are and what you’re like, for some people being kind can look like not making someone who looks extremely uncomfortable speaking, speak all the time. It can look like not asking someone to do something for you because you know that they are extremely busy, it can look like giving someone the change they need. Any way in which an action is not necessary and not beneficial to you but beneficial to someone else can be seen as kindness, I reckon.

** If you go to hug someone and they say “no, thank you. I’m not comfortable with hugs.” and you don’t hug them, that’s not kindness, that’s what you should do. If you see them later on and they are looking a bit down and a bit upset, you encouraging them and listening to them not because you want to go talk about them with your friends later or because it’ll make you seem like a good person but simply because they need it, that’s kindness.

Cupid’s laboratory

WordPress won’t let me change the spacing so it all looks chunked together and it annoys me so much but there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m sorry :(( You can bet I won’t be recommending this site to A FRIEND. 

“Welcome to the Department of Human Connections and Relationships, the DHCR,  Cupid’s lab!” The lady grinned, her bright red lipstick overpowering her features, she had dark flowing hair that contrasted with her extremely white labcoat and soft brown eyes.
Rebecca and I looked at each other, essentially with the same thought.

That lipstick is way too red.
“Shall we jump right in? I am certain everything will begin to make sense as we continue,” she said, smiling again, she had a booming voice that sound cheerful with a hint of something else.
“We have very strict policies here because the data we hold is very confidential which is why we made you sign a very hefty confidentiality report, I’m sorry about that but protocol, what can you do, am I right?” she laughed as she led us into a transparent elevator.
“Right, if you’d just stand against these panels.” she smiled, Rebecca and I stared at each other but did as she said. She strapped us in with what seemed like a seat belt before stepping back.

“Safety.” She said before strapping herself opposite us
“Level 236.” As soon as the typed that in, it felt as though we were going down an extremely fast rollercoaster but before we could administer what was going on, we came to a halt.
“We’re here.” she smiled, I made the motion to unstrap myself.
“I wouldn’t do that yet, your body hasn’t adjusted yet and you’ll just fall to the ground like gloop.” She made us stay in the position for 5 minutes before unstrapping us, our legs did feel shaky but solid.
“Technology is amazing isn’t it? Right shall I begin with the boring stuff, so we are the DHCR like I said and we specialise in Human connections and relationships, we work using science, mathematics, psychology and technology to create long lasting relationships.”
“I’ve heard about you..” Rebecca said in disbelief “ but I didn’t think you guys actually existed..” The lady turned around with a gleam in her eyes
“Well, we are very much real,” she said walking us down a glass corridor.
“I’m taking you to one of our libraries, technically I’m not allowed to but I run this place so I can do whatever I like.” she giggled.
“This way.” She said stopping in front a giant steel door. She stopped at the doors and did signals with her hands, it was like she was signing. Rebecca and I stared at each other again.

“I’m scared.” I mouthed, Rebecca nodded.
“Oh you have nothing to be scared of Rachel, you’re not going to get hurt, I promise, it’s all really exciting really!” the lady said

“My name is Cassandra by the way, but you two are allowed to call me C, now shall we head?” she said nodding at the open door. In front of us lay a big dim room  with a huge screen, around it were rows and rows and rows of glowing blue pills held in glass circular containers.
“We’ve managed to condense information of the people that live in the district, from their genetic information to the last thing they watched on the internet onto those little pods.” She typed up a code on the screen and entered it and in a matter of nanoseconds, she had one of the little snow globes in her hand.
“So what you do is..” she said “You type in the code that is complementary to the numbers you saw me type on the screen, everyone that works in the library has to know these numbers by heart as that is the only thing we do not keep record of.”
“But there are tons here,” Rebecca said looking around
“We get them young.” she smiled “and then voila..” the snowglobe opened up and in it was the little pill, she carefully took it out and placed it into a slot on the screen. A lot of numbers in the same electric blue colour popped up on the screen.
“This is everyone that lives on that street” she said touching the screen, enlarging it.
“Pick a number, any number.” Rebecca and I looked at each other again before she stepped forward confidently and picked the third one to the right.
“Good choice, just click on it.” Rebecca clicked on it and what came up seemed a bit like a facebook profile. There was a name and last name, Mark Schatcher, a profile picture, timeline, about, friends and more, a bit underwhelming.
“Mark Schatcher is actually one of my favourites, he’s truly a special one. To be honest though, I think they’re all special, Mark came up on our radar,” she said clicking timeline and scrolling down “When he moved to this district at about 25, and the poor thing, all he really wanted was love but he was struggling with a lot of anger, it would have been a toxic relationship. So over the years we’ve been helping him with his hormone levels, inserting mostly serotonin and GABA to help him calm down and melatonin to help sleep. Looks like he’s due for a dose right now actually.” she said squinting into the screen before typing in another set of numbers.
“Our devices are linked with the electronic devices and plumbing of everyone that lives in this district, we have access to microwaves, taps, television, air vents, small things like that.”
“He’s been doing really well,” she said turning back to us, “as you can see..” she said pulling up a chart “the rate of his outbursts has sufficiently decreased since he moved here and his satisfaction with life is a lot better.”
“Is this legal?”
“Ofcourse it is! We have the best intentions for our friends and we deem them of highest regard, which is why we have such a heavy confidentiality protocol, we don’t want their information getting into the wrong hands.” she beamed again.
“Now this is where the magic really happens.” She typed in another code that caused for another snow globe to pop out from the bottom of the screen, she popped in another blue pill in another slot.
“So do you just type out the individual code to one of these balls and the computer recognises it and gets it?”
“Yes, our library devices are linked to all our libraries or databases so really all we need to know is the code and we can get the pill from anywhere in the world.”
“In the world?” Rebecca asked
“Ofcourse, we have millions of bases all over the world.”
“This is Sara” she said pulling up her profile next to his “She’s incredibly fun and in many ways very unlike Mark, you’d think they wouldn’t get on very well but according to our probability calculations, their relationship has the best outcome,  the lowest cost but the highest benefit ratio.”
“Essentially what we do is, we take a look at everyone’s genetic information, their interests, their neurochemistry, background and then we calculate what relationships are more likely to last the longest, to produce the best offspring and be of greater benefit to society. We also calculate when the two people are most likely to meet or collide I suppose, whilst we do that we get rid of any particular chemical imbalances, health, behavioural and relationship issues that might get in the way of the relationship or their life in general, in Mike’s case anger, then we move on to phase two which is very exciting!”
“What? Love at first sight?” Rebecca scoffed, Cassandra turned to face her, indignant.
“Ofcourse not! Love at first sight does not exist, but I’ll tell you what does, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin, these group of neurotransmitters make up attraction, we inject just a little bit more of that every time the pair see each other, I try to prolong it as long as possible because that’s my favourite part but we work strictly according to our calculations and today is an exciting day because today Mark is going to walk past Sara for the very first time.”
“How does that even happen? You can’t just plan people bumping into each other?” I said
“That is true..” she said before pulling up a map, some dots were pink, some dots were blue and a few of them were purple.
“These are the routes Sara and Mark have taken this month and the parts that are marked purple are the routes they’ve both taken, now according to our calculations, they are both most likely to be boarding this shuttle to central in about a few seconds, I’m so excited! Let’s watch!” she said pulling up a video
“Do you see them, right there!” she said zooming in on their faces, Mark was standing whilst Sara was sat in between and old woman and a child.
“Now watch.” we watched as Mark walked past Sara and that was it.
“Is that it?” Rebecca asked “He didn’t even look at her!”
“You weren’t focusing on the right things, now I’ll slow it down, watch again, watch the child the guy Mark has to scoot past to get out.” She slows down the video and zooms into the hand of the child, it’s extremely tiny but we see it, it’s a tiny pill, he rests his hand by the girl’s thigh and gently pushes it in, it almost looks as if he just had a slight twitch.
“That’s him injecting her with just a little of the transmitters, it breaks down into the epidermis  and dissolves into the bloodstream to the brain, now look at the guy beside Mark.” The man looks as if he’s going to grab hold on to rail, wedged in between his fingers is the pill but he clutches Mark’s hand to by accident, Mark removes his hand and moves towards the door past Sara, she zooms into his head as he walks past, we see his eyes move towards Sara’s direction, he does look at her just in the most inconspicuous way possible.
“In about 2 months, May 7th at 5:39 pm, ” she said pulling up Mark’s timeline again, “M is going to meet Esme, one of our on-ground workers, they do more of the hands on work, she’s going to act as M and S’s mutual friend, 7 months after that, December 27th, Esme will introduce M and S at a get-together and in 3 years, 6 months and approximately 17 days, M will pluck up the courage to ask S out, Beautiful isn’t it?” she smiled
“Why are you showing us this?” Rebecca asked, looking at me horrified “You’re stalking people and drugging them all without their knowledge and free wil-”
“Oh Rebecca,” Cassandra said taking out the blue pill and putting it back in its casing “people don’t want free will, they just like the idea of it, they just like the sound of it, I mean surely you don’t think you actually have free will do you?” she laughed

two.

Nestle had always been a “too” since she was a baby.

She was always too much

or too little.

She was either too small or too big

She was too strong, too rough, too passionate, she had too many edges, she asked too many questions.

Tetley had always been a “to”

He was always in the background.

He was never the subject or the object but simply took his position between them.

In his last year of high school, his 4th girlfriend (he’d had one for every year)  had had a conversation with him he had tried to forget, she was trying to break up with him and he was trying to understand why.

“This isn’t about me is it?” he asked, referring to the breakup

“That’s the problem T, this isn’t about you, it’s NEVER about you! It’s always about me, it’s always “how’s YOUR day” or “what do YOU want to do” or “okay if YOU want” It’s like your life does not exist without me, it’s like YOU don’t exist without me, without someone, like you can never be alone because then there is nothing about you. Tell me, have you ever said or done anything that wasn’t completely influenced by someone else?”

And that’s exactly what had brought him to the dodgiest centre he had ever had the displeasure of seeing. 1/2 of the neon letters in its sign had stopped working so instead of being “Bobby’s pleasure centre”, it  looked  like “Bby’s ere entr”, it looked a bit ominous if T was being honest and the thought of going home had crossed his mind but he swatted it away.

His ex girlfriend’s words had stayed with him even though he was in his third year of University now, he had seen the advertisement for this free ballroom dancing class on gumtree and the conversation he  had with her came flooding back to him because he  once told her it was something he’d like to do, but she said it was too cringey so he didn’t. He signed up without much thought, that would show her, also the girl he was currently talking to said she really liked boys who did “out of character” things, joining the rugby team at his University was most certainly not an option as his somewhat skinny frame would break if any of the athletic rugby lads so much as looked at him and atleast if he embarrassed himself here, no one would know about it.

She had noticed him first.

He wasn’t exceptionally good looking but Nestle liked that, she didn’t like boys that were goodlooking, she always found them somewhat inauthentic, he had a boyish features and ginger hair, features that she wouldn’t normally find attractive but he worked with them well.

Nestle was certain she had found the love of her life or maybe it’s the dim lighting and the adrenaline from the fact that there is atleast one cute guy here, she smiled at the thought.

Well I hope he doesn’t wear that shirt at our wedding, Nestle laughed silently and rolled her eyes at the thought. I’m so annoying. 

T scanned the room, there was a comfortable amount of people, comfortable in that it wasn’t cramped enough to feel claustrophobic but not too few to feel self conscious. There was a good mix of guys and women but it seemed as though most were either couples or  friends, everyone seemed to know each other. His eyes stopped at a girl who seemed to be a bit farther away from the crowd, she was a black girl with cool dark blue braids in, T had had enough black friends to know that that probably wasn’t her real hair and to know that commenting on it was probably not the best conversation starter, except maybe if it was a compliment but then she’d probably have heard that a lot. He still thought it was cool though.

She was smiling and maybe it was the lighting but she had a beautiful smile.

The instructor called for everyone to gather in a circle, possibly introduce himself and give some instructions, T wasn’t  paying attention.

His eyes looked for hers again.

She was standing right underneath the light this time, directly opposite him. Her eyes were gleaming and she tilted her neck slightly, she stared at the instructor in deep concentration, she was quite cute. His eyes moved downwards, she was wearing a black turtle neck and mid length tartan skirt. He looked down at his own choice of attire, a purple and white plaid shirt and jeans, his favourite.

T was never one to shy away from conversation or from people, he liked talking, he liked making jokes, he liked being around people, it made him feel cool, for lack of better word and  under normal circumstances, he would just stroll to her and ask her if she’d be his partner but she made him nervous, like she might look at him and see his whole life and not be interested.

The instructor was now calling for everyone to find partners and everyone was looking to each other, she had moved away from the light.

Waiting.

Waiting to be chosen, she sighed and looked around, she couldn’t understand why people never chose her, why she was always left on the sidelines. She looked at the cute guy who was currently staring at another girl, this always happened to her, she was never going to be chosen.

He wasn’t sure what to do but he knew he didn’t really have much time to think, it was either now or never. His legs started first and before he knew he was right in front of her,  he had walked up to her and she couldn’t believe it, she was smiling again, this time with teeth and she was beautiful.

And she was still beautiful when he placed his arm, in the most cutest awkward way she had ever seen, around her waist.

And gosh, was she beautiful when he spun her, because her skirt spun too and she laughed and if this was a ball, she would definitely be the belle.

“So what’s your name?” she asked in the break, her eyes soft but like fire at the same time, piercing, daring almost.

“Well people call me T,” he responded hoping she wouldn’t ask him his full name “What’s yours?”

“Surely, it must come from something,” she laughed “What’s your full name?” she sounded like she actually cared about what he had to say, she looked like she wanted to know everything about him.

“Promise you won’t laugh, I hate my name, like I feel like my parents were having a laugh when they named me.” He said smiling, she laughed, he had such a lovely smile and his voice was nothing like anything she thought she would be attracted to but she loved it, she would have never thought that an Irish accent could  be remotely sexy, especially after how many times she had heard it.

“Let’s hear it then.”

“My full name is Tetley,” she couldn’t help laughing at the coincidence, it was just too humorous.

“I told you not to laugh!” he said like a child, which only made her laugh harder. he had an amused expression on his face which made her crush for him intensify and his eyes, his eyes were so piercing, they made her feel like a girl and a woman at the same time.

“No! No!” she said in between giggles “It’s not that, it’s just..” she said

“Just what?” he asked, crossing his arms again like a defensive child.

“My name is Nestle.” He couldn’t contain it himself either and laughed

“Are you serious?” He said through chuckles

“I guess our parents really enjoyed breakfast beverages.”

The conversation rolled on for the rest of the night. She called him Tea and he in return called her Mocha, because that was her favourite coffee. He went to the University of Edinburgh and she went to Heriot Watt, she gave him the facts about why Heriot Watt was superior, he didn’t agree. They both agreed One Direction was the best thing that happened to them  however he was very “After Zayn” and she was “Before Zayn”.

She was different, she had responses.

He listened.

She was fast with her remarks.

He asked questions.

She understood all his references.

He knew his memes.

She even had ones he did not recognise.

There were so many things she could tag him in.

She was funny.

He laughed at her jokes.

She was energetic.

He was grounded.

She was eager.

He was calm.

She asked questions.

He didn’t make her feel like a nuisance.

She was passionate.

He understood.

She was strong.

He was strong.

Even though she was little, her personality was big and she wasn’t afraid.

Even though he was big, he didn’t make her feel little.

She was honest.

He was kind.

She made him feel like he was the most interesting person in the world, he actually started believing he might be.

He made her feel just enough.

 

The class ended too quickly.

She wasn’t ready to go home yet, he had to make her stay.

He had to.

“Anywhere I can take you to?” He asked, grinning.

“Well, I guess I’m not too tired.” She responded.

And so they left together, to find a place for two.

 

OVER weight: my story

Hey boos,

How is it going? good? that’s good.

I’ve decided I’m gonna do a series called OVER weight which follows my weight journey. This was supposed to be one blog post but I realised I have a lot to say so it’s gonna be a 3 part series. The next one is gonna go in depth with my relationship with food but this one is more about how it all began and where I’m at now.

Today’s topic is gonna be a hard hitting one but let’s not make it awkward though. Let’s remember that this was then and now is now and I’m more than good now. I think it’s good to talk about these things because someone might be going through it right now and they might see or read something like this and feel better.

Anyway so back then, I didn’t really have a good relationship with my weight, not anyone’s fault, there was no childhood trauma that made me rely on food as a crutch, I had a really great childhood. When I was really young, I did not enjoy eating and it was a struggle for my parents to get me to eat but I had a really bad sweet tooth so it wasn’t long before I started putting on weight.

I don’t remember weight being an issue for me until I got into primary school.

Kids were vicious and I’m not going to play the victim card because I know I was vicious too so again, it was no one’s fault. I got picked on a lot because of my weight (I wore glasses as well so that didn’t really help my situation). I left the school and things got better because I went to a new school where I was appreciated and my weight wasn’t made fun of  but the damage had already been done.

My weight became my touchy subject and I always saw myself as overweight even when I wasn’t.

I moved countries and became even more aware of my weight, I had lost most of my baby fat by then but I could not shake off the feeling of being overweight. I remember a girl, my friend, poked my stomach once through my hoodie and I shrinked, I didn’t want her to feel my big stomach. Holland was good for me though, we ate very healthy and biked everywhere, I was probably my most fit then.

It got worse when we moved again though, this time to Aberdeen. Biking didn’t really happen anymore because we took the bus, I had friends again and a wide variety of unhealthy places to go out to eat, we still ate healthy at home though. It got worse because all I could see was how overweight I was (even though I wasn’t really..) and gaining weight was my biggest fear. I used to hate my body, I have this memory of just staring at myself in the mirror and looking at my thighs (so cliche) and just feeling so ugly.

I wanted to be skinny but I couldn’t, I would eat unhealthy things or just too much and then feel guilty then I would try to make myself throw up the food so atleast it wouldn’t be in my stomach (it never stuck, thank God) but I couldn’t get myself to throw up. Now I like to think that it was God helping me out but back then I did not see it like that. I frequently asked if I was gaining weight and I thought, if I could just be thinner then I would be attractive so I would run heavily for two weeks at a time, give up, eat a ton of junk food, feel bad, run again for two weeks and it was a constant cycle.

I would watch youtube videos with girls that looked thin (not on purpose, that’s just what they looked like) then I’d google how to get a flat stomach in 2 weeks.

I just wanted to be thin. I just wanted to be thin fast.

I went to a church camp, came back and I remember looking at myself in the mirror a few weeks after and not feeling that hate that I felt and that was probably the beginning of the end.

It took me a while to learn to exercise not for other people but for myself, and it wasn’t really until this year that I learnt to exercise for health rather than out of desperation.

There are still times when I look at myself when I was younger and feel upset because I was thinner then, there are still times when I binge out and then feel extremely guilty and frustrated at myself.

I’ve learned to appreciate myself through it all though and I’ve seen that growth in myself.  Last month I think, I put one of my old graduation dresses on and I couldn’t zip it up all the way, if that were me even just at the beginning of the year, that would have pushed me into despair, I would be upset and sad and disappointed.  This time, I was sad for a few minutes, I took off the dress and put it away and decided that if I wanted to fit in that dress again, I had to do it healthily through exercise and good food. It might not happen in a week or a month but through persistence and consistency.

I’m not gonna lie and say I’m no longer affected, if I’m being honest, gaining weight is still a big, big fear. Sometimes I catch myself not eating because I want to lose weight but I know now that, that does not help.

So what changed?

Me.

I changed.

I began to see exercise as something you did for yourself, I see the joy in working out. I’m gonna sound like a #GymLad right now but I feel so good after getting a good work out, to me working out is an easy way to achieve goals. If I tell myself I want to run on the threadmill for 20 minutes and my body surprises me and I run for 30 minutes, I feel proud, I feel happy, I dance around the gym (depending on how many people are there)

I actually enjoy eating healthy. I like the way I feel when I have a salad or when I exercise self control and cook instead of getting a takeaway.

It is something that takes a while especially if you’ve been made fun of as a kid for being fat, that’s the kind of thing that sticks to you but I think once you realize that  weight isn’t something that chains you down, you can lose it if you want to, sure it takes effort but you can do it.

Only when you learn to admire yourself, can you really begin to admire yourself in motion. It’s only when you appreciate your legs that you can really love how strong they feel when they’re running and you’ll learn to love the pain because it reminds you that you DID THAT.

Am I still gonna see pretty thin girls, or pretty curvy girls on my instagram and feel bad?

Yea, maybe a little but I’ll remind myself that my body is great too and so is everyone’s. It’s kept me moving this far, it’s taken you from point a to b for this long, there’s beauty in that.

It also helps that the maker of the heavens and earth loves and cherishes me the way I am 🙂

But yeah, this is part one. See you next week Wednesday for part two.

Have a blessed week,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

You’re doing great.

Hey boos,

I haven’t done this in a while and it almost feels foreign, which is kind of sad. The days fly by so fast and before you know it, it’s 3 am a week before your semester exams and you’re half way through second year? It’s all a bit mad.

First, a quick update.

I don’t really know what to say, I guess I’m still transitioning into myself and that’s fine. I definitely do see growth in the way I act and in the way I respond to things,  there aren’t massive changes but I know they are steps in the right direction. Rome wasn’t built in a day and even though my slow pace can be frustrating at times, I know I will get to where I need to get to eventually.

I also had dinner with my friends last week, where I attempted to make Nigerian food and we spoke about Christianity and it was good, I think good chats came out of it but we’ll leave the rest in the hands of God.

I have exams literally next week, next week Tuesday. Don’t start.

Anyway, I’ve been noticing that as December is approaching, people seem to be burning out. I’ve heard a lot of complaints about tiredness and overthinking and going through it. Personally, I think it’s the year coming to an end and exams and everything seems to be taking its toll.

I was watching a video and at the end of it, the person says “You’re doing great” and I honestly almost started crying and I instantaneously felt better, it was then that I realised no one really says that anymore. When was the last time you told someone that they were doing great? When was the last time someone told you, you were doing great?

I think, as people, we’ve become so good at acting and so good at deciding for others. We’ve become so good at acting because we go on pretending as if everything is okay and as if we are perfectly perfect when we aren’t so no one ever thinks to give us any sort of reassurance. We’ve become so good at deciding for other people in that, we see someone and we instantly think they do not want or need reassurance.

I’m here to tell you that I am so proud of you.

Yea, you.

You’ve come so far from when you first began and I see it even when you don’t and I am so so proud of you for that.

I love watching the person you’re becoming, and even though you are tired and feeling a bit or very burned out and everything just seems like noise.

You are so loved and so appreciated and so well looked upon by your friends and family and you might be feeling lonely right now, but listen to me,  you aren’t. Trust me you are not. You have your friends and you have your family and you have me, always!

You may be feeling like you’re not beautiful or you are not attractive or smart or nobody loves you, but listen to me, you are beautiful.

You are beautiful and okay so maybe I don’t know what you look like but do you know what I know? I know that you’re beautiful in your soul, in your heart, in the thing that keeps you alive, you are beautiful there. You may not be able to see it, but the people around you do.

Maybe you’re not in a relationship and everyone around you is, so you feel like you’re not good enough, but you are. You don’t want to be with just anybody, you want to be with someone who loves you, every single bit of you, not just you when you look attractive but also you at 6 am in the morning when you haven’t taken a shower in 3 days (please take a shower) and don’t know what you’re doing with your life and you’re not going to find that in just anybody, it takes time. You take time. You are so worth that time.

You might not feel smart because everyone around you seems to be getting better grades than you, even though you try your hardest and you’re just tired. Listen, you are smart and maybe it takes you a little bit more effort than everyone else, that doesn’t make you stupid. You are smart and it’s okay if you’re smart in a different way, that’s still smart.

Please stop hating yourself.

You don’t deserve that.

Get to know yourself more, become friends with you. Do you even know what you like? what are your hobbies? what’s your favourite colour?

Get to know you, I’m sure you’ll surprise yourself.

Like I said Rome wasn’t built in a day, no good relationship just happens like that. A relationship with you is just like any other relationship, it needs time and nurturing. Become acquaintances first, talk about the weather and all that boring stuff then hang out with yourself, take yourself to see a movie, take a walk, talk to yourself.

You’re doing so well, my love. Be proud of yourself.

tldr: You’re doing great.

You’re doing so, so well.

Recommended song to listen with post: It is well (live) by Kirsten Dimarco, Bethel Music

Greater things by Mack Brock

 

to all the girls that yet to fall

This one is straight from my journal and I feel like since we are all friends here I can share, and I know this does not pertain to ALL the guys in the world and all of that, but yea I wont continue to explain myself so I don’t ruin the magic for you.
So enjoy, this is “to all the girls that are yet to fall”

My dearest love,
Darling child
You will be lost but you will find yourself again
so tuck your hair behind your ear and be strong.

The first boy will be…..a boy
He will know the right words to say
and kiss you softly on the lips
He will leave a warm smile on your face
and make you feel like the only girl
but you are not.
and the reason he has all the right words is because he has practiced them
time
and
time
again.

The second boy will be quiet
He is shrouded in mystery
and he never answers questions directly
He doesn’t talk                                  much
Yet he has mastered the language of the eyes
He will tell you he wants you
and needs you
and loves you
all without speaking

He will make you feel like words are useless
but you will soon come to realise the repetition in his language
and you will begin to wonder if his mystery is just another word for nothing.

The third boy will be your favourite boy.
He is everyone’s favourite.
He will make you laugh till you bend
With him, everything is new, everything is bright, everything is an adventure.
With him all sorrows are forgotten and all worries are lost.
But soon the jokes will no longer be funny
and you’ll try to find something concrete
Something you can grasp on to but it’ll all be dust
as things that are forgotten can be remembered and things that are lost can always be found.

Now the fourth boy, you’ll know to run away from yet he will draw you like a LIGHT attracts a MOTH.
He will smell of smoke, risk and expensive perfume
It will scare you but it will be so exhilarating.
He will paint pictures of Paris, London, Milan to you and drink the most expensive champagne to your name
You will argue.

At first, it’ll be one of the things you love about him but then it’ll become all that you do.

Soon Paris will no longer be as beautiful and la vie en rose will be a sad, sad song.

The last boy.
The one right under your nose.
You will ask him how his day was and he will tell you.
He will cuddle you and ask you if you got home safe.
He will kiss the tears of your eyelids and hold your hand as you rant to him about how bad your day was.
It will be so easy and you won’t know what to do because you’ve always been on fight mode
You’ve always been on try hard mode

Ride or die mode
Ride until it dies mode
and it always dies mode.
It might not be explosive.
glittery.
and blinding.

but he will be good to you.
and that will be just fine.

ALEXA PLAY RECKLESS LOVE BY CORY ASBURY (I CRIED whilst writing this)

“What is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?” Psalm 8:4

hey boos,

How are you? I’ve literally been working on this blog post for a while now, trying to get it right but I’m going to let God take reign and let him tell me what he wants me to write.

Basically, I wanted to speak about God’s love because I feel like sometimes we forget, sometimes we get so wrapped up in the mediocrities of life that we forget about the wider picture, the blessings, God even.

I was at church a couple weeks back for a programme called peniel, it’s held every year during the summer and this year was my first time attending. One of the preachers in the programme said something along the lines of, God sits of the throne with millions of angels who praise him perfectly, exactly as they should yet when one person, one person who’s voice cannot even match the quality of your favourite singers much less the angels, God tells them to stop so he can listen to that one person. Can you imagine a love like that? telling a great room of the best singing you have ever heard in your life to stop singing so you can hear one human voice?

Who am I that God should love me? the creator of things that I cannot even begin to understand, who created the dots on strawberries and causes dew to fall on the grass in the early morning, who am I that he should love me?

“Greater love has no one than this; to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” John 15:13

It’s hard to understand this because as humans we’re a bit selfish, although we boast about loyalty and “ride or dies” when it comes to it, there would only be a small population of people who would actually die for their friends. Do you know who did? and who would again a 100 million times if he had to? Jesus Christ. Did you know that the night before Jesus died on the cross, his heart was heavy? Do you want to know why? Because he was dreading it. Matthew 26:39 says “Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will but you will” then he goes on to pray “My father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” (Matthew 26:42)

Basically he’s saying, “God I dont really want to go through it but if it’s your will for me, if this is what I have to do then I’ll do it”. Have you ever seen such an amazing display of self sacrifice? to first be betrayed by someone you love and called your own and sold for money, then publicly taken away only to have the very person promising he would never deny you, deny you three times, to then have the public choose to free a criminal over you, to carry your cross AND then be nailed to it and be left there for three days whilst the guards make fun of you?

Jesus did all that, for you.

For you.

And your parents and your siblings and your friends and your grandparents.

He did it so we could all get a chance to God’s real real children, to be tight with God, to be Gods’ daughters and sons, to be brothers and sisters with Jesus.

He did it, so you could be family.

So do you understand now why the price if you don’t believe in God is so high? someone had to die a despicable death for it.

“The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.” Psalm 121: 5-6

Soften your hearts and hear me, look at this, the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night, look at this love. Do you know what that means? it means that even at your most vulnerable stage, when you are not conscious and when you cannot do anything for yourself, God is protecting you, he is there, his angels are there, they are guarding you and keeping you safe. (Man I’ve teared up so many times with this post)

“The Lord will keep you from ALL harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord with watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121: 7-8

Not some, not a few, but ALL, meaning every single harm, and not just today and tomorrow but for ALL of your life. Is that not love? Is that not real love?

“When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared” -Proverbs 3: 26

Do you know what he is saying here? he says do not be anxious, he says do not be afraid, I know there are a lot of people who get anxious at night, anxious for life, anxious that they might die in their sleep, anxious that something bad will happen and here God is, God is “saying hey, hey listen, don’t worry about that, don’t be anxious about that, I got your back, just sleep, I got you”. Is that not real love?

What do you know about the God that leaves 99 sheep for the one that was left behind? What do you know about the God that says bring ALL of your burdens to me and take my own because mine is lighter? (I’m crying now) What do you know about the God that says I will carry you on my back and have my wings protect you? What do you know about the God that says “look I know you, I know you inside out, I know your weak points, I know the things you’ve done, I know you’ve said and done some things that hurt me and hurt yourself and the people around you, and even though the people might not have forgiven you, even though you may not have forgiven yourself, I forgive you.

I. Forgive. You.

I forgive you and I still love you.

To me, you are perfect, to me you are whole and you are clean and you are worth it and I love you.”

What do you know about that God? About my God? about Your God?

What do you know about the God that genuinely wants the best for you? That even in times of trial, he holds your hand, he tries to help it be as smooth as possible for you?

What do you know (I am quite literally bawling my eyes out, I’m gonna insert a picture to prove it) about the God that feels your pain? That feels your heaviness? The God that sees you crying in your pillow at 3 AM because your heart hurts and feels that pain?

38955243_1716462005129660_7486544256568393728_n (crying me x, in this house we love God and cry when we write about him, Alexa play reckless love by Cory Asbury)

I don’t know what people have tried to tell you, I don’t know what you’ve heard or what you’ve read but if you take one thing away from this, I want it to be this;

In all that noise, in all that white noise, people talking, shouting, hustle and bustle, traffic, hardships, heartbreaks, God is there. God is there and he loves you. God sees you and he sees your pain and he pats your back and he says,

“My child, the storm is coming to an end, I’m here, I’m right here. I love you and I’m right here.”

Thank you God.

I could probably write on forever but I need to keep this a readable length.

(It was cloudy and immediately I ended this blog post, the dark clouds went away and the Sun shone, like immediately, if that’s not a sign of someone’s breakthrough, of someone’s rainy days coming to an end then I dont know what is)

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

SINGLE FOR A YEAR

Hey boos!

I hope everything is well with you! Mondays can be hard but you’ve got this!

Let’s just jump straight into what we are discussing today, relationships! (juicy..).

So I’ve been completely single, by completely single I mean, no flings, no physical (u know what I mean) contact, not even romantically talking, I’ve just been single. I’ve only had 1 “serious” relationship in my life which ended completely in 2016. From then on, nothing really happened, I spoke to boys but it never really lasted that long. After the last guy I spoke to, I had enough and in an offhandish manner, I told myself that I would spend a year away from boys, and it happened (not necessarily because I was staying away from them lol).

Whilst on this year long break, I discovered quite a lot both generally and specific to me. I thought I’d disclose them..

  1. Feelings change quickly.

I realised that feelings can develop unexpectedly, quickly and deeply but one can also fall out of them just as unexpectedly and quickly. This may be the reason why a good amount of people get ghosted, because feelings change quickly and unexpectedly and its easier to ghost someone than explain to them that your feelings have changed and you no longer really want to know them. It’s important to not only use your feelings to guage your interest in someone, use your head as well; if they were wearing a red shirt instead of a black one would you still like them? if you saw them in a different environment like walking on the street, would you go up and talk to them?

2. One hardly regrets relationships that never happened.

Let me explain, you meet someone. You think they’re gorg, you slide into their dms. You have a few conversations, you really “imagine” you two would get on well in a relationship, nothing happens still, the feelings fade and on reflection, you find that actually, you’re quite glad nothing happened because once the rose tinted sunglasses come off, then what?

3. Relationships are overrated but then so is being single.

You know when you see someone drink a coke or you smell cake or you watch someone have a doughnut and for the rest of the day, you crave whatever it is you saw the person have? You’re not hungry or anything, you don’t need the cake, the doughnut or the coke but you crave it and most of the time you eventually give into your craving and get it. That’s almost what it’s like looking at couples on instagram or watching them on youtube or even just seeing your friends in relationships. You actually begin to crave it, even when the last thing you actually need is a relationship and you yourself know it but then you get into one and realise it’s actually a lot of work, usually a lot more work than you have time for/are willing to spend.

Singleness is also overrated, people like to believe that singleness is peace of mind and only having to look after your own needs, which it is to some extent but people tend not to talk about the despicable feeling of feeling unwanted, loneliness and even simple things like wanting to share a meme with someone at the end of the day, or an embarrassing story that happened to you, sometimes even just a hug, a deep and meaningful hug.

 

I actually learnt quite a lot this year and I could do a part 2 if you wanted me to.

Thank you for reading.

Like, comment and follow if you enjoyed it and dont forget to follow me on my socials if you wish.

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

A tired and slightly annoyed girl

Hey boos,

So it’s currently 2:46 am right now, in the middle of exam season, this is probably the latest I have stayed up in A WHILE, my skin is itchy but I am still happy.

SOOOOO I am binge watching this show (that I love dont get me wrong) and I have come to realize that this show follows the general trend of most shows and I am tiredt not just tired with a “d” but with a “t” for extra emphasis.

I am tiredT of shows that start off with a girl right, you know, not the general standard of beauty. She’s funny, smart, intelligent, crazy family, good friends you know relatable? it starts off with her having “relationship” issues like “uh no person will ever love me, im ugly bla bla bla whatever” and then OFCOURSE just like that, the attractive guy of her dreams comes into her life and falls in love with her followed by several attractive guys who want to date said relatable girl and OFCOURSEEE she is stubborn and gives attitude to ALL OF THEM and they just EAT IT UP, they are loving every SINGLE moment of it, it’s one of the things they “LOVE” about her.

Listen, I am tired okay? because that is a lie. That is not the fact of life, guys hardly ever notice the funny, stubborn, intelligent ones and if they do they tend to be friendZONED. Yea! I said it! and no one should dare hop into my dms talkm’bout oh you’re so pretty, that’s so not true, please stop, I’ve heard enough of that to last me a lifetime. Personally, I could not care less if guys notice me or not, I really am not concerned anymore, I’m not going to waste my time and effort but I am just tired of that particular plot.

You know a plot I’d like to see? One where the regular girl, the protagonist does NOT end up with some random hot guy who suddenly is in love with her stubbornness but instead she just learns to deal with the fact that guys DONT come up to her and NO ONE tells her they like her, guys DONT comment on her Instagram pictures and certainly NO guy is “secretly” falling in love with her behind the scenes. She is most definitely NOT in competition with the “hot” girl she knows who happen to be everything she’s not, ACTUALLY I want them to be friends, not just fake friends but real good friends and I want the “hot” girl to hype her best friend up like no other BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, THAT.IS.THE.REALITY. 

I sound so pressed right now and YEA I AM, I AM FREAKING PRESSED. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Let me explain to you why I’m so pressed, imagine watching this show right thinking wow I can so relate to this, I can relate to this character and then she or even HE is getting all this attention for the same characteristics that you have and you really want to see yourself in this character but you can’t, it affects self-esteem! You start thinking about your own life and experiences and how they don’t match at all. Now imagine how harmful this can be for younger viewers who are still growing and learning about confidence and how the opposite sex really isn’t the start, the middle or the end of the world, how is that supposed to make them feel?

We already live in a world that projects “perfection” in almost everything, social media, youtube, the celebrity life so please, please show me something real, something that I can at least relate to? if I want to be transferred to a whole new world, I’ll watch Gossip Girl but if you want to give me a relatable character, make her relatable all the way. That is all I ask, please and thanks.

I just really felt the need to get that off my chest because I know, I’m not the only one that feels that way and sure I sound like a bitter single girl right now but you know what? it’s the truth and THAT’S the tea sister.

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx