Nestle had always been a “too” since she was a baby.
She was always too much
or too little.
She was either too small or too big
She was too strong, too rough, too passionate, she had too many edges, she asked too many questions.
Tetley had always been a “to”
He was always in the background.
He was never the subject or the object but simply took his position between them.
In his last year of high school, his 4th girlfriend (he’d had one for every year) had had a conversation with him he had tried to forget, she was trying to break up with him and he was trying to understand why.
“This isn’t about me is it?” he asked, referring to the breakup
“That’s the problem T, this isn’t about you, it’s NEVER about you! It’s always about me, it’s always “how’s YOUR day” or “what do YOU want to do” or “okay if YOU want” It’s like your life does not exist without me, it’s like YOU don’t exist without me, without someone, like you can never be alone because then there is nothing about you. Tell me, have you ever said or done anything that wasn’t completely influenced by someone else?”
And that’s exactly what had brought him to the dodgiest centre he had ever had the displeasure of seeing. 1/2 of the neon letters in its sign had stopped working so instead of being “Bobby’s pleasure centre”, it looked like “Bby’s ere entr”, it looked a bit ominous if T was being honest and the thought of going home had crossed his mind but he swatted it away.
His ex girlfriend’s words had stayed with him even though he was in his third year of University now, he had seen the advertisement for this free ballroom dancing class on gumtree and the conversation he had with her came flooding back to him because he once told her it was something he’d like to do, but she said it was too cringey so he didn’t. He signed up without much thought, that would show her, also the girl he was currently talking to said she really liked boys who did “out of character” things, joining the rugby team at his University was most certainly not an option as his somewhat skinny frame would break if any of the athletic rugby lads so much as looked at him and atleast if he embarrassed himself here, no one would know about it.
She had noticed him first.
He wasn’t exceptionally good looking but Nestle liked that, she didn’t like boys that were goodlooking, she always found them somewhat inauthentic, he had a boyish features and ginger hair, features that she wouldn’t normally find attractive but he worked with them well.
Nestle was certain she had found the love of her life or maybe it’s the dim lighting and the adrenaline from the fact that there is atleast one cute guy here, she smiled at the thought.
Well I hope he doesn’t wear that shirt at our wedding, Nestle laughed silently and rolled her eyes at the thought. I’m so annoying.
T scanned the room, there was a comfortable amount of people, comfortable in that it wasn’t cramped enough to feel claustrophobic but not too few to feel self conscious. There was a good mix of guys and women but it seemed as though most were either couples or friends, everyone seemed to know each other. His eyes stopped at a girl who seemed to be a bit farther away from the crowd, she was a black girl with cool dark blue braids in, T had had enough black friends to know that that probably wasn’t her real hair and to know that commenting on it was probably not the best conversation starter, except maybe if it was a compliment but then she’d probably have heard that a lot. He still thought it was cool though.
She was smiling and maybe it was the lighting but she had a beautiful smile.
The instructor called for everyone to gather in a circle, possibly introduce himself and give some instructions, T wasn’t paying attention.
His eyes looked for hers again.
She was standing right underneath the light this time, directly opposite him. Her eyes were gleaming and she tilted her neck slightly, she stared at the instructor in deep concentration, she was quite cute. His eyes moved downwards, she was wearing a black turtle neck and mid length tartan skirt. He looked down at his own choice of attire, a purple and white plaid shirt and jeans, his favourite.
T was never one to shy away from conversation or from people, he liked talking, he liked making jokes, he liked being around people, it made him feel cool, for lack of better word and under normal circumstances, he would just stroll to her and ask her if she’d be his partner but she made him nervous, like she might look at him and see his whole life and not be interested.
The instructor was now calling for everyone to find partners and everyone was looking to each other, she had moved away from the light.
Waiting to be chosen, she sighed and looked around, she couldn’t understand why people never chose her, why she was always left on the sidelines. She looked at the cute guy who was currently staring at another girl, this always happened to her, she was never going to be chosen.
He wasn’t sure what to do but he knew he didn’t really have much time to think, it was either now or never. His legs started first and before he knew he was right in front of her, he had walked up to her and she couldn’t believe it, she was smiling again, this time with teeth and she was beautiful.
And she was still beautiful when he placed his arm, in the most cutest awkward way she had ever seen, around her waist.
And gosh, was she beautiful when he spun her, because her skirt spun too and she laughed and if this was a ball, she would definitely be the belle.
“So what’s your name?” she asked in the break, her eyes soft but like fire at the same time, piercing, daring almost.
“Well people call me T,” he responded hoping she wouldn’t ask him his full name “What’s yours?”
“Surely, it must come from something,” she laughed “What’s your full name?” she sounded like she actually cared about what he had to say, she looked like she wanted to know everything about him.
“Promise you won’t laugh, I hate my name, like I feel like my parents were having a laugh when they named me.” He said smiling, she laughed, he had such a lovely smile and his voice was nothing like anything she thought she would be attracted to but she loved it, she would have never thought that an Irish accent could be remotely sexy, especially after how many times she had heard it.
“Let’s hear it then.”
“My full name is Tetley,” she couldn’t help laughing at the coincidence, it was just too humorous.
“I told you not to laugh!” he said like a child, which only made her laugh harder. he had an amused expression on his face which made her crush for him intensify and his eyes, his eyes were so piercing, they made her feel like a girl and a woman at the same time.
“No! No!” she said in between giggles “It’s not that, it’s just..” she said
“Just what?” he asked, crossing his arms again like a defensive child.
“My name is Nestle.” He couldn’t contain it himself either and laughed
“Are you serious?” He said through chuckles
“I guess our parents really enjoyed breakfast beverages.”
The conversation rolled on for the rest of the night. She called him Tea and he in return called her Mocha, because that was her favourite coffee. He went to the University of Edinburgh and she went to Heriot Watt, she gave him the facts about why Heriot Watt was superior, he didn’t agree. They both agreed One Direction was the best thing that happened to them however he was very “After Zayn” and she was “Before Zayn”.
She was different, she had responses.
She was fast with her remarks.
He asked questions.
She understood all his references.
He knew his memes.
She even had ones he did not recognise.
There were so many things she could tag him in.
She was funny.
He laughed at her jokes.
She was energetic.
He was grounded.
She was eager.
He was calm.
She asked questions.
He didn’t make her feel like a nuisance.
She was passionate.
She was strong.
He was strong.
Even though she was little, her personality was big and she wasn’t afraid.
Even though he was big, he didn’t make her feel little.
She was honest.
He was kind.
She made him feel like he was the most interesting person in the world, he actually started believing he might be.
He made her feel just enough.
The class ended too quickly.
She wasn’t ready to go home yet, he had to make her stay.
He had to.
“Anywhere I can take you to?” He asked, grinning.
“Well, I guess I’m not too tired.” She responded.
And so they left together, to find a place for two.
TRIGGER WARNING: R*PE!
This one is straight from my journal and I feel like since we are all friends here I can share, and I know this does not pertain to ALL the guys in the world and all of that, but yea I wont continue to explain myself so I don’t ruin the magic for you.
So enjoy, this is “to all the girls that are yet to fall”
My dearest love,
You will be lost but you will find yourself again
so tuck your hair behind your ear and be strong.
The first boy will be…..a boy
He will know the right words to say
and kiss you softly on the lips
He will leave a warm smile on your face
and make you feel like the only girl
but you are not.
and the reason he has all the right words is because he has practiced them
The second boy will be quiet
He is shrouded in mystery
and he never answers questions directly
He doesn’t talk much
Yet he has mastered the language of the eyes
He will tell you he wants you
and needs you
and loves you
all without speaking
He will make you feel like words are useless
but you will soon come to realise the repetition in his language
and you will begin to wonder if his mystery is just another word for nothing.
The third boy will be your favourite boy.
He is everyone’s favourite.
He will make you laugh till you bend
With him, everything is new, everything is bright, everything is an adventure.
With him all sorrows are forgotten and all worries are lost.
But soon the jokes will no longer be funny
and you’ll try to find something concrete
Something you can grasp on to but it’ll all be dust
as things that are forgotten can be remembered and things that are lost can always be found.
Now the fourth boy, you’ll know to run away from yet he will draw you like a LIGHT attracts a MOTH.
He will smell of smoke, risk and expensive perfume
It will scare you but it will be so exhilarating.
He will paint pictures of Paris, London, Milan to you and drink the most expensive champagne to your name
You will argue.
At first, it’ll be one of the things you love about him but then it’ll become all that you do.
Soon Paris will no longer be as beautiful and la vie en rose will be a sad, sad song.
The last boy.
The one right under your nose.
You will ask him how his day was and he will tell you.
He will cuddle you and ask you if you got home safe.
He will kiss the tears of your eyelids and hold your hand as you rant to him about how bad your day was.
It will be so easy and you won’t know what to do because you’ve always been on fight mode
You’ve always been on try hard mode
Ride or die mode
Ride until it dies mode
and it always dies mode.
It might not be explosive.
but he will be good to you.
and that will be just fine.
It’s ya girl next door, how are you? (My flatmates are currently getting ready to go out and I can hear them discussing outfits, s/o to you sisters)
So it’s been very quiet on my end lately, both social media, youtube and blogging wise that’s because I have in fact moved back into University for my second year and I am currently juggling 2 jobs, education, social life and good life habits and let me tell you something it is not easy. I like it though I feel like now I have less time for idleness.
Anyway, my August recap, I feel like August was a really good month for me, I drew closer to God and was able to stick to the tasks I wanted to stick to. It’s hard to believe that summer is over though, a bit mad isn’t it?
I have decided that I am going to re-invent myself to become a better woman and to be have and portray myself in the way that God wants me to be and it’s a lot easier said than done especially at University when there is so much going on all at one time, you’re working and you’re making sure you’re eating right and seeing your friends and deadlines but I am really going to try my best to be the best I can be.
I think I might start doing something like a goal of the month where I set one goal for different categories in my life and blog about it to let you know how it goes.
How would you guys feel about that?
I’ve also been thinking about my purpose, and I think I might know what it is finally. Funnily enough, it was written in one of my old agendas and I read it and remembering thinking wow, 12 year old me had such a strong sense of purpose, because I wrote it down so well and beautifully that I feel like it couldn’t have been me that thought of it.
I will write about it when God has given me 100% confirmation but I feel as though that is what it is.
I am going to sign out now because I need to write out a grocery list for this weekend as well as meal prep ideas, then I need to read and write out some notes, respond to some emails AND come up with a schedule so that my days are as productive but spaced out as possible. The whole point is so to be productive, not burnt out.
Thank you for reading and let me know what your goals are for the month of September.
Have a blessed day,
Lots of love,
I hope everything is well with you! Mondays can be hard but you’ve got this!
Let’s just jump straight into what we are discussing today, relationships! (juicy..).
So I’ve been completely single, by completely single I mean, no flings, no physical (u know what I mean) contact, not even romantically talking, I’ve just been single. I’ve only had 1 “serious” relationship in my life which ended completely in 2016. From then on, nothing really happened, I spoke to boys but it never really lasted that long. After the last guy I spoke to, I had enough and in an offhandish manner, I told myself that I would spend a year away from boys, and it happened (not necessarily because I was staying away from them lol).
Whilst on this year long break, I discovered quite a lot both generally and specific to me. I thought I’d disclose them..
- Feelings change quickly.
I realised that feelings can develop unexpectedly, quickly and deeply but one can also fall out of them just as unexpectedly and quickly. This may be the reason why a good amount of people get ghosted, because feelings change quickly and unexpectedly and its easier to ghost someone than explain to them that your feelings have changed and you no longer really want to know them. It’s important to not only use your feelings to guage your interest in someone, use your head as well; if they were wearing a red shirt instead of a black one would you still like them? if you saw them in a different environment like walking on the street, would you go up and talk to them?
2. One hardly regrets relationships that never happened.
Let me explain, you meet someone. You think they’re gorg, you slide into their dms. You have a few conversations, you really “imagine” you two would get on well in a relationship, nothing happens still, the feelings fade and on reflection, you find that actually, you’re quite glad nothing happened because once the rose tinted sunglasses come off, then what?
3. Relationships are overrated but then so is being single.
You know when you see someone drink a coke or you smell cake or you watch someone have a doughnut and for the rest of the day, you crave whatever it is you saw the person have? You’re not hungry or anything, you don’t need the cake, the doughnut or the coke but you crave it and most of the time you eventually give into your craving and get it. That’s almost what it’s like looking at couples on instagram or watching them on youtube or even just seeing your friends in relationships. You actually begin to crave it, even when the last thing you actually need is a relationship and you yourself know it but then you get into one and realise it’s actually a lot of work, usually a lot more work than you have time for/are willing to spend.
Singleness is also overrated, people like to believe that singleness is peace of mind and only having to look after your own needs, which it is to some extent but people tend not to talk about the despicable feeling of feeling unwanted, loneliness and even simple things like wanting to share a meme with someone at the end of the day, or an embarrassing story that happened to you, sometimes even just a hug, a deep and meaningful hug.
I actually learnt quite a lot this year and I could do a part 2 if you wanted me to.
Thank you for reading.
Like, comment and follow if you enjoyed it and dont forget to follow me on my socials if you wish.
Have a blessed day,
Lots of love,
How are you all doing??
I know, I know, I know, and like the prodigal son I return but I promise you I haven’t been spending your money on girls and gambling and alcohol (atleast I don’t think I have), it’s just that when you slip off the rock, even just a little, you become too lazy to climb it again, that has been what has been happening to me, even with my youtube I’ve been slipping a little but it has given me some time to think.
I’ve been thinking about friendships and how it works and I’ve come to realise how strong yet inherently weak a connection can be, hear me out. At the end of the day, you are dispensable and dispense-able.
This is primarily for the people who are currently in a toxic relationship or have currently been broken up with and feel like they can’t move on or like they will never be able to find a connection like the one they just lost/about to lose.
Listen babe, there are 7 billion people in the world, you could speak to thousands of people every single day and still not speak to everyone in the world. There will always be someone else who can give you the same connection, maybe even better, it’s just down to you finding each other, say you don’t want to leave because you’ve known each other for years, you will find someone else who can give you that time back. When you think about relationships from that perspective, it leaves you with a sense of ambivalence, you’re happy because it means that you can leave that toxic relationship with the knowledge that there is something out there better for you however it leaves a sense of sadness and dread because it means that you are dispensable.
I think the reason why a lot of people find it hard letting go is because they focus on the other person, they make that person their world and forget that there is a whole world out there and that’s a good thing when the relationship is a stable and healthy but once it turns toxic it seems as though we are stuck in that mindset, completely stuck in their world, it’s in those times that we need to broaden our scope and remember that there is a whole world out there, we just need to look up and see it.
I have a lot in the works guys and I’m really going to try and conquer my self-sabotaging self (something else I’m going to talk about) so I can feel get myself where I should be.
Thank you for reading.
Have a blessed weekend,
Lots of love,
Here’s a what’s in my draft, I think this might be the third one I’ve posted on this page, I’m not sure. Anyway, this one is titled “The AfterMatt” which is a 13 part poetry/story series that I’ve actually completed. I don’t know, for some reason I’m actually quite proud of this one.
So here you go, you’re reading “The AfterMatt”
Yes I’m back to the “hey boos” that is something I can NEVER get rid of, that’s my thing now. How has your day been going? Mine has been going pretty well, I got up really early today, 6 AM to be exact and I haven’t taken a nap yet even though I’m really tired.
Anyway enough about me (funny cause all I’m going to do for the rest of this blog is talk about…well..me..) I’ve decided to do something quite scary but at the same time really exciting this summer, I’m going to churn out content every day for a month this summer, well churn out content every day for the whole summer but I’m telling myself a month because that’s easier for my brain to comprehend. I really hope I do this and don’t just give up after 3 days, so make sure you come back to this place everyday for content!
Today I’m going to be discussing something that I’ve really been noticing about myself this year and that’s the feeling of change, I can feel myself slowly changing and I can’t lie it’s a bit of an uncomfortable feeling because it’s not something that can be easily explained. I can feel myself changing, I can feel my thoughts little by little, I am very very slowly becoming the type of person I want to be.
I can feel my thoughts changing extremely slowly from wanting popularity and wanting every single person to love me and want to be my friend to wanting success in my future, to wanting my children to have the best in life. I realize that the things that used to make me very upset, still make me upset but just not as much as it usually would. Let me give you an example, in my psychology class I can confidently say I have NO friends, I come into class, I sit alone, I take my notes, close my laptop and leave and younger me would have hated it, younger me would have tried to force people to make friends with but now I actually prefer not knowing anyone, I love walking into class without feeling the pressure of “oh I don’t really feel like talking to anyone today but I don’t want to be rude..” When I first got into University, the fact that I didn’t have any friends in my psychology class really bothered me but now I just do not care. I also don’t really mind that much when people don’t invite me to things, I mean it still stings a little but I don’t dwell on it like I would have when I was younger.
I find myself being attracted to and being drawn to people that are successful and are dedicated in helping other people succeed, I just keep finding myself attracting stuff like that even when I try to avoid it because 1. Self-help books bore me and 2. Watching people who are more successful than me makes me feel like I’m not, yet it just seems to attract me whether through a video format or an Instagram ad or just something.
I feel like there is something great stirring inside but I’m not sure what it is or how to wake it up properly.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my accomplishments and how I don’t really have that much (heheh) but that is going to change soon, and how I want to make my parents proud and make all the sacrifices they’ve made worth it, I want them to be able to say with full confidence that it was all worth it in the end.
I also find myself becoming more aware when it comes to achieving goals, I’m no longer just writing out resolutions for the new year and never looking at them again, I’m actually trying this time, researching, failing but getting back up again and not giving up. An example of this would be that I’ve always wanted to be someone who was organized and woke up early in the morning and had money and ate well and had a good relationship with God, day by day I’m getting more aware about what I eat, I’m trying to read more books about God, I’m setting alarms and looking at my goals and just actually trying this time.
I suppose it’s all just to do with maturing and growing, I just never knew that you could be aware of the maturing process.
But that’s just my opinion.
Let me know if you feel like this, if you’re at this point where you can feel yourself growing and what does it feel like to you?
Have a blessed day,
Lots of love,
So it’s currently 2:46 am right now, in the middle of exam season, this is probably the latest I have stayed up in A WHILE, my skin is itchy but I am still happy.
SOOOOO I am binge watching this show (that I love dont get me wrong) and I have come to realize that this show follows the general trend of most shows and I am tiredt not just tired with a “d” but with a “t” for extra emphasis.
I am tiredT of shows that start off with a girl right, you know, not the general standard of beauty. She’s funny, smart, intelligent, crazy family, good friends you know relatable? it starts off with her having “relationship” issues like “uh no person will ever love me, im ugly bla bla bla whatever” and then OFCOURSE just like that, the attractive guy of her dreams comes into her life and falls in love with her followed by several attractive guys who want to date said relatable girl and OFCOURSEEE she is stubborn and gives attitude to ALL OF THEM and they just EAT IT UP, they are loving every SINGLE moment of it, it’s one of the things they “LOVE” about her.
Listen, I am tired okay? because that is a lie. That is not the fact of life, guys hardly ever notice the funny, stubborn, intelligent ones and if they do they tend to be friendZONED. Yea! I said it! and no one should dare hop into my dms talkm’bout oh you’re so pretty, that’s so not true, please stop, I’ve heard enough of that to last me a lifetime. Personally, I could not care less if guys notice me or not, I really am not concerned anymore, I’m not going to waste my time and effort but I am just tired of that particular plot.
You know a plot I’d like to see? One where the regular girl, the protagonist does NOT end up with some random hot guy who suddenly is in love with her stubbornness but instead she just learns to deal with the fact that guys DONT come up to her and NO ONE tells her they like her, guys DONT comment on her Instagram pictures and certainly NO guy is “secretly” falling in love with her behind the scenes. She is most definitely NOT in competition with the “hot” girl she knows who happen to be everything she’s not, ACTUALLY I want them to be friends, not just fake friends but real good friends and I want the “hot” girl to hype her best friend up like no other BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, THAT.IS.THE.REALITY.
I sound so pressed right now and YEA I AM, I AM FREAKING PRESSED. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Let me explain to you why I’m so pressed, imagine watching this show right thinking wow I can so relate to this, I can relate to this character and then she or even HE is getting all this attention for the same characteristics that you have and you really want to see yourself in this character but you can’t, it affects self-esteem! You start thinking about your own life and experiences and how they don’t match at all. Now imagine how harmful this can be for younger viewers who are still growing and learning about confidence and how the opposite sex really isn’t the start, the middle or the end of the world, how is that supposed to make them feel?
We already live in a world that projects “perfection” in almost everything, social media, youtube, the celebrity life so please, please show me something real, something that I can at least relate to? if I want to be transferred to a whole new world, I’ll watch Gossip Girl but if you want to give me a relatable character, make her relatable all the way. That is all I ask, please and thanks.
I just really felt the need to get that off my chest because I know, I’m not the only one that feels that way and sure I sound like a bitter single girl right now but you know what? it’s the truth and THAT’S the tea sister.
Have a blessed day,
Lots of love,