Why the CU keep offering you free toasties. -An Atheists’ guide to Christian friends.

Hey boos,

This blog post is for my non-christian friends all over the globe who have christian friends and don’t understand what’s going on with them half the time, don’t worry I’ve got you.

So you’ve got one of these pesky Christians haven’t you? Always sharing something Jesus related on your feed amongst your memes, constantly inviting you for free food with subtle connotations of God chat, and let’s not even get started on the controversial beliefs that you both know they have but both pretend aren’t there. Also, what’s with this glow that they always have? Even. When. They. Are. Sad. Now that the ball is rolling, how on earth do they believe we were created? Helloooo, Evolution.

My name is Gedo Yamusa, your friendly online Christian and I’m here to give you some inside scoops on the thoughts going on in the head of your in-house friendly neighbourhood Christian. 

First of all, just like the whole “one size fits all” trend came and died because we realised, quite quickly, that not one size actually fits all, there is no “one size fits all” for Christians eithe.We come in all different shapes and sizes, all with different personalities and even beliefs. Some of us are baby Christians, some of us have been Christians since we came out of the womb, some of us were Christians and then we weren’t and now we’re Christians, some of us (wait for it..) aren’t even Christians yet (You’ll get there, I see you, right there at the back, don’t be shy, Jesus is knocking, you best open that door). You’ll probably meet many different Christians and they might not have the same ideas as the one outlined in this post and that’s okay, feel free to ask them questions on things they do that you don’t understand, they’ll probably be more than happy to explain it to you!

So why do Christians keep talking about God all the time? Are they trying to shove it down people’s throats?

Well, here’s one thing you must understand about the Christian. Take away God out of the Christian, and the Christian is nothing.

God is their life.

That might sound scary to you because well, as far as you know, your life is your own and you can’t imagine something else being your life. However the Christian understands and accepts that God has blessed them with this life, it’s a gift, but it’s also a gift that they cannot control and a gift they can’t take care of themselves, for example when a parent gives a young child a puppy as a present, the child cant control that puppy and most of the time it’s the parent that ends up taking care of the puppy.

(Where was I going with this?)

Yes, why do Christians talk about God all the time. Frankly, because they understand that without God, they wouldn’t be where they were. They would be way worse off and they probably were before they accepted God into their life. If you had your life changed wouldn’t you be shouting it from the rooftops? Wouldn’t you want your friends in on it too? It’s free, it’s got a lifetime warranty with the added bonus of Heaven for eternity.

And now you’re thinking, yea but Gedo, all that stuff doesn’t exist. This God stuff, it’s not real. You guys have just made it up cause it sounds nice and easy.

Well that’s going into real deep territory bud, I think that’d be a great conversation to have with your Christian. My explanation might not make sense to you but I’ll give it a shot. I know that God is real for 2 main reasons.

a. I know how I was before and how I am now, none of that could have been me. There is no way, something absolutely external had to have come into my heart and changed me because I could not have done it.

b. I look at the everyday miracles around; I’m really drawn to nature, I look at the skies, the trees, the mountains and I just can’t accept that that wasn’t made by God.

I know these aren’t as “scientific” or “evidence-filled” as you would probably like but many really smart people have written really smart books about this and I know a bunch of Christians that have read these books and for themselves compared the evidence for God’s existence and for God’s not existing, and well, they’re Christians now aren’t they?

Lemme let you in a little secret as well; being a Christian is not easy and it doesn’t feel nice all the time. Actually it’s kinda difficult sometimes. The world essentially hates you, people always questioning you and your beliefs and making you the enemy, I mean men in the Bible (which is a genuine historical account) died for this and Christians are still dying for this.

It’s not easy.

Yet we have a God who gives us the things we need to help us with these issues.

And now you’re saying, but you just said being a Christian was good.

Yea well, easy doesn’t mean good now does it? neither does good mean easy.

So we keep talking away about God because he’s the best thing that has ever happened to us and we want you to get on that. We invite you to all these things not because we want to force you into the church. We genuinely want you to just come along and see what’s up, obviously we want you to experience God for yourself but we aren’t going to hate you if you don’t. We are honestly extremely excited if we get so much as a “That was actually fun”. We’re just as stressed about this whole thing as you are, do you know how much Godly boldness and courage it took us to ask you in the first place? Don’t let that confident smile fool you, We’ve been thinking about this for a while.

If your Christian friend invites you to church next time, please don’t freak out. 9/10 it’s not as solemn and silent as you remember it to be, no one is going to look at you weirdly because you aren’t singing, no one expects you to pray, no one is going to judge you for not knowing where the chapter everyone is flipping to is (I don’t even know that) If you don’t want to go, decline. They’ll probably keep asking so go when you feel comfortable enough to and if you do want to go and they haven’t asked you yet, just ask them, they’re probably just scared. Remember also, just like clothes and Christians, Churches aren’t one size fits all, different churches have different personalities so just because you went to a really boring one when you were little, doesn’t mean you’ll have that same experience again.

The God chat? Just go with it, they just want to know where you’re at. Be honest but don’t be rude or disrespectful and I’m sure they will endeavour to do the same. Feel free to agree to disagree but let’s not stoop to name calling okay?

Which leads me to the next thing; the controversial opinions. Welp, sorry pal but those are staying. The bible is the bible is the bible is the bible, as I like to say,(…in my head)These are all good chats that your christian would probably love to have with you but are too scared (As you can probably understand why). Listen to what they have to say, you’ll probably disagree. Is this a fun and easy conversation starter? No but it’s a good conversation and you’ll never understand if you don’t talk so let’s keep it civilised. Will you change their mind? probably not. Will they change yours? Let us know how it goes. 

This is all not to say that the Christian community condemns you. We can condemn no one.

I know some people have unfortunately led with hate rather than with love which have given the impressions that Christians hate, we do not. We might not support the decisions made but you will not be shunned or treated like an outsider. You’ll learn soon, if you stick around long enough that Christian and controversy sometimes are hand in hand.

Jesus said some controversial things too back in the day. 

Does your Christian make you feel judged? useless? do you feel like they are treating you with contempt? disgust? or just being plain horrid? I think that’s a point to raise with them. We are not perfect people and sometimes it might feel like we are being judgemental but we really really really don’t want to do that, we honestly just want to help. Bring it up with them, talk about it and whenever you feel like they’re doing that, let them know.

Now let’s talk about this glow, the Godly glow. You know the one I’m talking about. That light? How does your Christian just seem so calm and even when they’re freaking out, they still seem kinda calm? Even when you absolutely dig into them with the toughest religious question you could probably think of to trip them up, they still seem kinda unscathed? That’s some real in the flesh God Glow baby. God scrubs us up so good on the inside that it actually starts showing on the outside, it’s almost the opposite of what the world teaches, scrub up on the outside and you’ll feel good on the inside. Pretty cool stuff ya feel?

The creation stuff, honestly man, I don’t know. I do not know. And yeah, your Christian may not have the answers all the time to your questions, and if they’re honest, which they should be, they should be able to say that.

I don’t know. All I know is that God said he created the earth and honestly, Imma believe it.

And before you write me off for just “believing blindly”. Think about all the things you’ve believed for granted. Maybe the belief that God doesn’t exist? You say science, but has science actually shown that God doesn’t exist or do you just believe that it has? Have you got the proof? Evolution. Have you read about the experiments? Do you actually know what you think you know, or do you just believe it cause everyone else does? 

Right now that we’ve successfully thrown you into an existential crisis, I suppose we can now conclude?

I think what your big take-away from this should be is that your Christian loves you and the God that your Christian believes in, loves you the most. You think your parents love you? Dude, Jesus literally died for you. Like he literally died. He died so that you wouldn’t have to. He died so that wrongdoings could be forgiven and forgotten, so that guilt can be taken away and so that peace can be brought to you.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.- John 14:27

We just want you to know that, so you can now actually start really living the best life you’ve been called to live.

Oh, there I am talking about God again.

Man, us Christians can’t stop, now can we?

Hm..but then again, How could we?

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

 

Even when it hurts

Jennifer heard two bangs that sounded very similar to thunder.

It was going to be a bad day.

They’d been having a lot of bad days lately.

Jennifer listened as the hurricane upstairs destroyed everything in her path.

She was exhausted.

Please God. She begged before taking a deep breathe, softly making her way up the stairs. Jennifer knew it was going to be difficult, she wasn’t an idiot. She had researched, she watched YouTube videos, she had prayed, she had went to church, she had a phd in developmental psychology, she was ready.

Turns out a doctorate doesn’t offer much shelter when facing a hurricane.

“Ronica?” she said softly as she opened the door, bracing herself for the damage.

Veronica was sat with her back to Jennifer and her head in her hands. Her stringy brown hair covering her neck and shoulders. She snapped her head back so quickly, Jennifer was afraid she might have moved something in her neck.

“My name is not Veronica.” she said with venom, she said it slowly like a snake, enunciating every word, making sure Jennifer felt every single shot. Jennifer felt herself crumbling. She opened the door fully and stepped into the room.

Veronica jolted up.

She was in her territory now.

“What’s going on?” Jennifer tried again, dropping the “Veronica”.

“Why do you care?” the girl asked quietly, Jennifer taking this as a sign of withdrawal,  took two more steps. Wrong move.

“You’re not my mother.” she said. Jennifer felt her hands clam up.

“You don’t love me! You don’t know me!” She was shouting now.

Jennifer remembered when she picked Veronica up to bring her home for the first time. She’d had a tiny suitcase and she had worn a grey hoodie with black leggings, her brown hair as stringy as ever. Jennifer had made the decision to love Veronica then, and to love her for the rest of her life.

Jennifer looked at the girl that now stood in front of her, her face was crumpled up like paper and red, her nose flared and her mouth opened and closed. She looked like an angry tomato. Jennifer looked at Veronica’s hands clamped tightly beside her and her feet stomping.

She’d been thinking about love a lot lately, about what it meant, what it felt like, if she really had it in her, the word seemed unrecognisable to her now, even when she looked at it, it just seemed odd, incomplete.  She’d mentioned her thoughts to her work friends and they looked at her concerned, then she’d mentioned them to her women’s group and they’d said they would pray for her.

She had appreciated that.

Veronica was now walking towards her, she was pushing.

The thud, thud, thud of Veronica’s hands against her, oddly reminded her of rain, or perhaps when water dripped slowly into a bucket. Veronica’s hands didn’t hurt, there was only so much a ten year old girl could do but the shock from her hands on Jennifer’s chest caused Jennifer to take a step back every time.

“I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t want your love! Just leave me alone! Just go away!”

This hurt. Jennifer preferred the hitting.

“You don’t love me! It’s not true! It’s not!” Jennifer felt her heart in her throat.

“That’s not true.” Jennifer responded, holding Veronica’s hands.

“Don’t say that.” Jennifer knew she was crying, she wished she wasn’t. You weren’t supposed to cry in front of your child. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s not true.” Veronica continued, shouting louder as if trying to drown out Jennifer’s words. Veronica was crying too, crying and hitting and shouting.

“It’s not true.” She said finally before falling to her knees, wailing into her hands.

Jennifer looked down at the child at her feet.

She felt it then.

The love that she had been questioning, it had been there the whole time. She felt it as it made its rounds around her heart and then out of her heart, out of her chest, into her throat and into her arms and down her legs to her toes.

She knelt down and put her arms around her child. She felt her stiffen but she didn’t let go, clinging on tighter. She felt her childs’ ragged breaths and felt her lean her head on her chest. Jennifer looked out the window, the wind blew against the trees, dragging them left and right. Jennifer hugged onto her child tighter.

“I love you.” Jennifer whispered first into her hair. Incomplete.

“I love you.” she said again louder. She waited and listened to the wind outside.

“Even when it hurts.” She added. Complete. It felt complete now.

“Even when it hurts.” She heard Veronica mutter underneath her breath.

Jennifer smiled and kissed her daughter’s stringy brown hair.

They’d been having a lot of bad days lately.

But today was a good one.

 

 

 

The fleeting nature of time.

Hey boos,
How are you?
Look at me go, I’m on a roll this week. I’ve had all my posts ready before they were due but the question is, will my video be ready before Saturday? (ooft, I’m coming for myself)
So Yesterday, I was getting ready to go into town and as I was getting ready, the pictures that I have hanging on my dresser caught my eye. Now, I’ve had these pictures since 2016 and I’ve never really paid much attention to them but yesterday, they caught my eye and I felt an odd pin prickling feeling in my stomach. As I properly stared at these pictures and saw the smiling and laughing faces of many people that I don’t speak to today, I felt the residue of time passing and not realizing it.
It’s been 3 and 3/4 years since I graduated from high school and I’m already half way through my undergraduate degree. Time flies very quickly and it got me thinking, how many days have I spent not doing the things I should be doing, not appreciating the people I should be appreciating, not treasuring the memories I should be treasuring? If I were back in high school, as cringe as it sounds, I’d tell myself to make the absolute moment of every minute of every day because I’m never going to get that time again, I’m never going to get that environment again and I might never have those people again in the way that I had them then.
Time is just so silent, you never know when it’s going to leave you. One day you’re daydreaming about the life you wish you had and then your life continues to move and before you know it, you find that you spent it daydreaming and never actually living it.
I know this all seems very cheesy but I genuinely want us to realise that although you have the rest of your life,  life is going fast. Even the days that seem to go slow in the grand scheme of things are going extremely fast. I want you to think of a memory, maybe your first high school dance? or your graduation, any memory at all, doesn’t it feel like it was just yesterday? Now calculate how many years have passed since then, isn’t that such a large amount of time?
I always used to hear and read and watch influencers who’d been doing their craft for 7 years, 8 years, 5 years and I used to think “wow, that’s such a long amount of time to be doing something” but I’ve been on this blog for 3 years and it’s such a shock to me because it feels like I’ve just started but if my blog was a child, it’d be walking by now.
I’m not sure if this blog post is a warning that time is fleeting and we’ve got to realise this and cherish every day as often as we can, or an encouragement that if you’re going through a difficult time right now, it’s not going to last forever, even though it seems to be dragging on right now, it won’t be that way forever. Perhaps it’s the sign that you needed, perhaps you really want to start something that is beneficial to you, to the environment, to your community but you keep putting it off because you’re afraid. Stop. Go do it.
There’s a significant difference between not doing something because you’re not mentally/emotionally/physically/financially/spiritually ready**** and not doing something because you are afraid. Everyone’s afraid but you don’t see that stopping them from jumping in planes and preaching the gospel, now do you? Paul was afraid many times in the bible and HE was like THE man, he approached God with fear and trembling but he still went and did what needed to be done.
You have every day, even if you don’t treat it with value (some days just suck, you can’t do anything about it) , make sure you value it.
HAVE a BLESSED day.
Lots of love,
Gedo xx
*Now I feel like I need to say this because I don’t want people jumping into things that they certainly aren’t ready for. Time is going fast, yes that is true, does that mean jump into a business that you’re not ready for? no, it means enjoy this time you have right now getting ready for the business .Enjoy the process, it might not be always fun but it’s not all bad either, enjoy this time because you won’t get it again. Does that mean making a spontaneous decision to drop out of school and pursue your passions? No, not necessarily; having an education is important and you can learn a lot but I understand it’s different for everyone so that’s a decision you’ll have to think about, pray about, discuss with people who are close to you and want the best for you, pray some more  and then make.

two.

Nestle had always been a “too” since she was a baby.

She was always too much

or too little.

She was either too small or too big

She was too strong, too rough, too passionate, she had too many edges, she asked too many questions.

Tetley had always been a “to”

He was always in the background.

He was never the subject or the object but simply took his position between them.

In his last year of high school, his 4th girlfriend (he’d had one for every year)  had had a conversation with him he had tried to forget, she was trying to break up with him and he was trying to understand why.

“This isn’t about me is it?” he asked, referring to the breakup

“That’s the problem T, this isn’t about you, it’s NEVER about you! It’s always about me, it’s always “how’s YOUR day” or “what do YOU want to do” or “okay if YOU want” It’s like your life does not exist without me, it’s like YOU don’t exist without me, without someone, like you can never be alone because then there is nothing about you. Tell me, have you ever said or done anything that wasn’t completely influenced by someone else?”

And that’s exactly what had brought him to the dodgiest centre he had ever had the displeasure of seeing. 1/2 of the neon letters in its sign had stopped working so instead of being “Bobby’s pleasure centre”, it  looked  like “Bby’s ere entr”, it looked a bit ominous if T was being honest and the thought of going home had crossed his mind but he swatted it away.

His ex girlfriend’s words had stayed with him even though he was in his third year of University now, he had seen the advertisement for this free ballroom dancing class on gumtree and the conversation he  had with her came flooding back to him because he  once told her it was something he’d like to do, but she said it was too cringey so he didn’t. He signed up without much thought, that would show her, also the girl he was currently talking to said she really liked boys who did “out of character” things, joining the rugby team at his University was most certainly not an option as his somewhat skinny frame would break if any of the athletic rugby lads so much as looked at him and atleast if he embarrassed himself here, no one would know about it.

She had noticed him first.

He wasn’t exceptionally good looking but Nestle liked that, she didn’t like boys that were goodlooking, she always found them somewhat inauthentic, he had a boyish features and ginger hair, features that she wouldn’t normally find attractive but he worked with them well.

Nestle was certain she had found the love of her life or maybe it’s the dim lighting and the adrenaline from the fact that there is atleast one cute guy here, she smiled at the thought.

Well I hope he doesn’t wear that shirt at our wedding, Nestle laughed silently and rolled her eyes at the thought. I’m so annoying. 

T scanned the room, there was a comfortable amount of people, comfortable in that it wasn’t cramped enough to feel claustrophobic but not too few to feel self conscious. There was a good mix of guys and women but it seemed as though most were either couples or  friends, everyone seemed to know each other. His eyes stopped at a girl who seemed to be a bit farther away from the crowd, she was a black girl with cool dark blue braids in, T had had enough black friends to know that that probably wasn’t her real hair and to know that commenting on it was probably not the best conversation starter, except maybe if it was a compliment but then she’d probably have heard that a lot. He still thought it was cool though.

She was smiling and maybe it was the lighting but she had a beautiful smile.

The instructor called for everyone to gather in a circle, possibly introduce himself and give some instructions, T wasn’t  paying attention.

His eyes looked for hers again.

She was standing right underneath the light this time, directly opposite him. Her eyes were gleaming and she tilted her neck slightly, she stared at the instructor in deep concentration, she was quite cute. His eyes moved downwards, she was wearing a black turtle neck and mid length tartan skirt. He looked down at his own choice of attire, a purple and white plaid shirt and jeans, his favourite.

T was never one to shy away from conversation or from people, he liked talking, he liked making jokes, he liked being around people, it made him feel cool, for lack of better word and  under normal circumstances, he would just stroll to her and ask her if she’d be his partner but she made him nervous, like she might look at him and see his whole life and not be interested.

The instructor was now calling for everyone to find partners and everyone was looking to each other, she had moved away from the light.

Waiting.

Waiting to be chosen, she sighed and looked around, she couldn’t understand why people never chose her, why she was always left on the sidelines. She looked at the cute guy who was currently staring at another girl, this always happened to her, she was never going to be chosen.

He wasn’t sure what to do but he knew he didn’t really have much time to think, it was either now or never. His legs started first and before he knew he was right in front of her,  he had walked up to her and she couldn’t believe it, she was smiling again, this time with teeth and she was beautiful.

And she was still beautiful when he placed his arm, in the most cutest awkward way she had ever seen, around her waist.

And gosh, was she beautiful when he spun her, because her skirt spun too and she laughed and if this was a ball, she would definitely be the belle.

“So what’s your name?” she asked in the break, her eyes soft but like fire at the same time, piercing, daring almost.

“Well people call me T,” he responded hoping she wouldn’t ask him his full name “What’s yours?”

“Surely, it must come from something,” she laughed “What’s your full name?” she sounded like she actually cared about what he had to say, she looked like she wanted to know everything about him.

“Promise you won’t laugh, I hate my name, like I feel like my parents were having a laugh when they named me.” He said smiling, she laughed, he had such a lovely smile and his voice was nothing like anything she thought she would be attracted to but she loved it, she would have never thought that an Irish accent could  be remotely sexy, especially after how many times she had heard it.

“Let’s hear it then.”

“My full name is Tetley,” she couldn’t help laughing at the coincidence, it was just too humorous.

“I told you not to laugh!” he said like a child, which only made her laugh harder. he had an amused expression on his face which made her crush for him intensify and his eyes, his eyes were so piercing, they made her feel like a girl and a woman at the same time.

“No! No!” she said in between giggles “It’s not that, it’s just..” she said

“Just what?” he asked, crossing his arms again like a defensive child.

“My name is Nestle.” He couldn’t contain it himself either and laughed

“Are you serious?” He said through chuckles

“I guess our parents really enjoyed breakfast beverages.”

The conversation rolled on for the rest of the night. She called him Tea and he in return called her Mocha, because that was her favourite coffee. He went to the University of Edinburgh and she went to Heriot Watt, she gave him the facts about why Heriot Watt was superior, he didn’t agree. They both agreed One Direction was the best thing that happened to them  however he was very “After Zayn” and she was “Before Zayn”.

She was different, she had responses.

He listened.

She was fast with her remarks.

He asked questions.

She understood all his references.

He knew his memes.

She even had ones he did not recognise.

There were so many things she could tag him in.

She was funny.

He laughed at her jokes.

She was energetic.

He was grounded.

She was eager.

He was calm.

She asked questions.

He didn’t make her feel like a nuisance.

She was passionate.

He understood.

She was strong.

He was strong.

Even though she was little, her personality was big and she wasn’t afraid.

Even though he was big, he didn’t make her feel little.

She was honest.

He was kind.

She made him feel like he was the most interesting person in the world, he actually started believing he might be.

He made her feel just enough.

 

The class ended too quickly.

She wasn’t ready to go home yet, he had to make her stay.

He had to.

“Anywhere I can take you to?” He asked, grinning.

“Well, I guess I’m not too tired.” She responded.

And so they left together, to find a place for two.

 

Pretty on pink.

TRIGGER WARNING: R*PE!

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Joseph parked his company car on the curb that day slightly annoyed, first of all he was still tired from last night, (although that was something his boss was not to know), secondly, he didn’t know why he had to be the one to drive all the way to this neighbourhood when Nathan could have gone, it was his turn away, the neighbourhood was far away and just full of snotty “upper town folk”. He composed himself before picking up his tool set, this job better be quick, maybe he could get a quick nap before heading back.
Number 11. 
 
The house was a cute house, whoever cared for it really seemed to have a thing for flowers and all things sweet smelling because the front of the house had all sorts of beautiful flowers growing on the front, Lilies, lavender, carnations, roses of all shapes and sizes, a bees heaven.
The sight made Joseph smile, he was quite the gardener himself and could always take the time to appreciate a perfectly perfect gardening job and this job, he must admit was perfectly perfect.
He pressed the doorbell and waited, the windows were wide open and Joseph could see the entire parlour.
It was very..
well..
pink.
Not Joseph’s taste but who was Joseph to judge, people were allowed to like what they like. The sofa although white was covered in all sorts of pink throw pillows, feathery ones, shiny ones, soft ones. The couch itself was something one would find in perharps an antique shop, it was one of those that ladies back in the day laid on to complain about all the suitors they had turn down that day or something silly like that, a fainting couch. Before he could judge the rest of the decor, the door opened and before him stood a young-ish woman, he would say perhaps 23 at most, wearing a pink gingham dress and pink gardening gloves.
She must really like pink. 
 
She had a very warm smile
“Hello there,” she said, and an even warmer voice.
“Hello,” he responded smiling back “you called for plumbing.” She look puzzled at first but it cleared away and was replaced with the same warm smile she greeted him with.
“Yes, yes, come in, I did do that didn’t I?” She said ushering him in, her house was as clean as anything and smelt delicious, like she had just been baking.
“You have a lovely home madam, do you garden?” she laughed and Joseph found himself smiling too
“Thank you so much! And yes, I love plants! Can I offer you something to drink? It’s quite warm today don’t you think? Water? Coke? I also have lemonade somewhere, homemade.”
“Homemade lemonade? I haven’t heard that about in a long time, it’s all commercial now, everything is now.”
“Yes, I make it myself, would you like some?” He couldn’t help himself, and that was Joseph’s biggest problem.
“Yes please.”
“Would you like to wait in the living room? the plumbing work is actually out in the…” her voice trailing off, as she went into the kitchen. Joseph took off his shoes and stepped into the living room, feeling out of place immediately. Everything seemed so pretty and cute, he wondered if she lived alone.
He found pictures of people everywhere he turned, there were pictures of her with people of different shapes and sizes. As he gazed around the room, a picture caught his eyes, it was a picture of two women, this woman he assumed, and someone familiar, he moved closer to inspect the picture.
Yes, he was right.
Cherry from High school, Cherry and him went to high school together but how is it possible? Could the woman be older than him? No, she couldn’t be, there is no way.
He must be a lot more tired than he thought, he reckoned.
“Here we are,” he turned around swiftly almost knocking the picture from its place on her shelf.
“Thank you,” he said picking up the drink. “You seem to know a lot of people.” he laughed referring to the many pictures before taking a gulp
“Yes,” she smiled “Family is very important to me.”
He felt uneasy but laughed it away, he must be tired, this job and he would take the rest of the day off.
He finished the drink in a few gulps, it was very sweet but very refreshing.
“Thank you, it tasted very good ma’am.”
“No problem, yes now, if you would like to follow me, the leak is actually down here.”
She directed him to a set of stairs, the walls were filled with pictures and antique things, cat clocks and interesting frames, everything pink of course.
His stomach ached.
“Right down here.”
“Did you know Cherry, Joseph?” she asked,  he didn’t remember telling her his name.
he was starting to feel dizzy.
“Yes, we went to high school together.” He couldn’t remember much of high school, it was never a good time for him, he was unhappy with his life and he took it out on others, which he should not have but high school was a deadly game and you had to play to live.
“That’s nice.”
Joseph felt his heart race go up, he felt  like he had been sprinting many miles.
“Are you a gardener Mr. Joseph?”
“Yes.” He stopped trying to catch his breathe
“What are your favourite flowers?”
“Hydrangeas ma’am” he gasped “blue ones, they remind me of my mum.”
“How lovely, do you want to know mine?”
Something wasn’t right. Something was very not right.
“They’re called Cobra Lilies.”
He tried to turn around , he was trying to go back the way he came but he couldn’t remember how he started.
“Their scientific name is darlingtonia Californica, how cute.”
“What did you do to me?” he screamed, he felt as though he had gone blind and was trying to claw his way through the house.
“It lures insects into its pitcher with its sweet smell.” her voice was drifting off now. Everything was beginning to feel hazy like on a hot summers day when the air felt slow and heavy.
“Let me out! Let me out!” he cried, a bright light seemed to come from a certain direction but every time he ran towards it, it divided itself into two.
“And it’s interesting,” her voice continued, still maintaining its warm nature but very far away now “because its closed pitchers have numerous, see through, false exits that exhausts its desperate victims as they try to escape.”
“Please,” he begged, panting “Let me out.” his heart was beating so hard in his chest, he thought it might explode.
“Family is very important to me.”
“What did you do to Cherry?” he could see her now, she was there, in the same pink outfit, looking as sweet as ever.
“Nothing, we went to high school together.”
“What did you do to Cherry?” she asked again, all of a sudden, he was there, he was in that room.
The smell got to him first.
“No” he whispered.
He could see himself, his younger self.
He could hear her.
He could hear him.
“Stop! Stop! Stop!”
“What did you do to Cherry?”
“Nothing, Nothing, I didn’t do anything.” the screams got louder. He tried to close his eyes but they wouldn’t close, he tried to move his hands to cover his ears but they wouldn’t budge.
The smell, the ghastly smell.
“Stop! stop!”
“What did you do?”
“I raped her, I raped her, I raped her” he cried, “I took advantage of her, she was looking for help and I took advantage of her.” His legs gave way, landing on his hands and knees, the tears continue to stream heavily.
 He was crying heavily and he couldn’t stop, he cried and he cried and he cried.
 It was him, it was him, it had always been him.
He wasn’t sure how long he had been crying for or even how long he had been there for, it could have been a minute, it could have been an hour, it could have been years however all of a sudden, everything stopped.
He was at the bottom of the staircase now, the woman facing him, smiling that same warm smile.
He could feel a dampness in his trousers and his eyes were painful but it no longer felt like there was an eagle flapping about in his chest.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” he begged  “I’m sorry. Please let me go, I’m sorry, I’m a good man now, I would never, please let me go, I never drank alcohol again ever since, I donate to charities, I make sure women never go out alone, last night at the work party, I made sure I left last so everyone could get home safely, I always do, please, I’m sorry.”
He turned around and ran, he was close.
He was so close.
There was the door handle, all he needed to do was turn it and he would be free.
He reached out to grasp it but he couldn’t, he tried again and again.
“I really would Joseph..” he sank to the floor, crying.
“But Family is very important to me.”
..
The lady picked out blue hydrangeas seeds from her selection of flowers seeds.
“You’ll fit perfectly in my garden,” she smiled and set to work immediately.

to all the girls that yet to fall

This one is straight from my journal and I feel like since we are all friends here I can share, and I know this does not pertain to ALL the guys in the world and all of that, but yea I wont continue to explain myself so I don’t ruin the magic for you.
So enjoy, this is “to all the girls that are yet to fall”

My dearest love,
Darling child
You will be lost but you will find yourself again
so tuck your hair behind your ear and be strong.

The first boy will be…..a boy
He will know the right words to say
and kiss you softly on the lips
He will leave a warm smile on your face
and make you feel like the only girl
but you are not.
and the reason he has all the right words is because he has practiced them
time
and
time
again.

The second boy will be quiet
He is shrouded in mystery
and he never answers questions directly
He doesn’t talk                                  much
Yet he has mastered the language of the eyes
He will tell you he wants you
and needs you
and loves you
all without speaking

He will make you feel like words are useless
but you will soon come to realise the repetition in his language
and you will begin to wonder if his mystery is just another word for nothing.

The third boy will be your favourite boy.
He is everyone’s favourite.
He will make you laugh till you bend
With him, everything is new, everything is bright, everything is an adventure.
With him all sorrows are forgotten and all worries are lost.
But soon the jokes will no longer be funny
and you’ll try to find something concrete
Something you can grasp on to but it’ll all be dust
as things that are forgotten can be remembered and things that are lost can always be found.

Now the fourth boy, you’ll know to run away from yet he will draw you like a LIGHT attracts a MOTH.
He will smell of smoke, risk and expensive perfume
It will scare you but it will be so exhilarating.
He will paint pictures of Paris, London, Milan to you and drink the most expensive champagne to your name
You will argue.

At first, it’ll be one of the things you love about him but then it’ll become all that you do.

Soon Paris will no longer be as beautiful and la vie en rose will be a sad, sad song.

The last boy.
The one right under your nose.
You will ask him how his day was and he will tell you.
He will cuddle you and ask you if you got home safe.
He will kiss the tears of your eyelids and hold your hand as you rant to him about how bad your day was.
It will be so easy and you won’t know what to do because you’ve always been on fight mode
You’ve always been on try hard mode

Ride or die mode
Ride until it dies mode
and it always dies mode.
It might not be explosive.
glittery.
and blinding.

but he will be good to you.
and that will be just fine.

August recap: Break, University, Self-reinvention

Hey boos,

It’s ya girl next door, how are you? (My flatmates are currently getting ready to go out and I can hear them discussing outfits, s/o to you sisters)

So it’s been very quiet on my end lately, both social media, youtube and blogging wise that’s because I have in fact moved back into University for my second year and I am currently juggling 2 jobs, education, social life and good life habits and let me tell you something it is not easy. I like it though I feel like now I have less time for idleness.

Anyway, my August recap, I feel like August was a really good month for me, I drew closer to God and was able to stick to the tasks I wanted to stick to. It’s hard to believe that summer is over though, a bit mad isn’t it?

I have decided that I am going to re-invent myself to become a better woman and to be have and portray myself in the way that God wants me to be and it’s a lot easier said than done especially at University when there is so much going on all at one time, you’re working and you’re making sure you’re eating right and seeing your friends and deadlines but I am really going to try my best to be the best I can be.

I think I might start doing something like a goal of the month where I set one goal for different categories in my life and blog about it to let you know how it goes.

How would you guys feel about that?

I’ve also been thinking about my purpose, and I think I might know what it is finally. Funnily enough, it was written in one of my old agendas and I read it and remembering thinking wow, 12 year old me had such a strong sense of purpose, because I wrote it down so well and beautifully that I feel like it couldn’t have been me that thought of it.

I will write about it when God has given me 100% confirmation but I feel as though that is what it is.

I am going to sign out now because I need to write out a grocery list for this weekend as well as meal prep ideas, then I need to read and write out some notes, respond to some emails AND come up with a schedule so that my days are as productive but spaced out as possible. The whole point is so to be productive, not burnt out.

Thank you for reading and let me know what your goals are for the month of September.

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

SINGLE FOR A YEAR

Hey boos!

I hope everything is well with you! Mondays can be hard but you’ve got this!

Let’s just jump straight into what we are discussing today, relationships! (juicy..).

So I’ve been completely single, by completely single I mean, no flings, no physical (u know what I mean) contact, not even romantically talking, I’ve just been single. I’ve only had 1 “serious” relationship in my life which ended completely in 2016. From then on, nothing really happened, I spoke to boys but it never really lasted that long. After the last guy I spoke to, I had enough and in an offhandish manner, I told myself that I would spend a year away from boys, and it happened (not necessarily because I was staying away from them lol).

Whilst on this year long break, I discovered quite a lot both generally and specific to me. I thought I’d disclose them..

  1. Feelings change quickly.

I realised that feelings can develop unexpectedly, quickly and deeply but one can also fall out of them just as unexpectedly and quickly. This may be the reason why a good amount of people get ghosted, because feelings change quickly and unexpectedly and its easier to ghost someone than explain to them that your feelings have changed and you no longer really want to know them. It’s important to not only use your feelings to guage your interest in someone, use your head as well; if they were wearing a red shirt instead of a black one would you still like them? if you saw them in a different environment like walking on the street, would you go up and talk to them?

2. One hardly regrets relationships that never happened.

Let me explain, you meet someone. You think they’re gorg, you slide into their dms. You have a few conversations, you really “imagine” you two would get on well in a relationship, nothing happens still, the feelings fade and on reflection, you find that actually, you’re quite glad nothing happened because once the rose tinted sunglasses come off, then what?

3. Relationships are overrated but then so is being single.

You know when you see someone drink a coke or you smell cake or you watch someone have a doughnut and for the rest of the day, you crave whatever it is you saw the person have? You’re not hungry or anything, you don’t need the cake, the doughnut or the coke but you crave it and most of the time you eventually give into your craving and get it. That’s almost what it’s like looking at couples on instagram or watching them on youtube or even just seeing your friends in relationships. You actually begin to crave it, even when the last thing you actually need is a relationship and you yourself know it but then you get into one and realise it’s actually a lot of work, usually a lot more work than you have time for/are willing to spend.

Singleness is also overrated, people like to believe that singleness is peace of mind and only having to look after your own needs, which it is to some extent but people tend not to talk about the despicable feeling of feeling unwanted, loneliness and even simple things like wanting to share a meme with someone at the end of the day, or an embarrassing story that happened to you, sometimes even just a hug, a deep and meaningful hug.

 

I actually learnt quite a lot this year and I could do a part 2 if you wanted me to.

Thank you for reading.

Like, comment and follow if you enjoyed it and dont forget to follow me on my socials if you wish.

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

Dispensable and Dispense-ABLE

Hey boos,

How are you all doing??

I know, I know, I know, and like the prodigal son I return but I promise you I haven’t been spending your money on girls and gambling and alcohol (atleast I don’t think I have), it’s just that when you slip off the rock, even just a little, you become too lazy to climb it again, that has been what has been happening to me, even with my youtube I’ve been slipping a little but it has given me some time to think.

I’ve been thinking about friendships and how it works and I’ve come to realise how strong yet inherently weak a connection can be, hear me out. At the end of the day, you are dispensable and dispense-able.

This is primarily for the people who are currently in a toxic relationship or have currently been broken up with and feel like they can’t move on or like they will never be able to find a connection like the one they just lost/about to lose.

Listen babe, there are 7 billion people in the world, you could speak to thousands of people every single day and still not speak to everyone in the world. There will always be someone else who can give you the same connection, maybe even better, it’s just down to you finding each other, say you don’t want to leave because you’ve known each other for years, you will find someone else who can give you that time back. When you think about relationships from that perspective, it leaves you with a sense of ambivalence, you’re happy because it means that you can leave that toxic relationship with the knowledge that there is something out there better for you however it leaves a sense of sadness and dread because it means that you are dispensable.

I think the reason why a lot of people find it hard letting go is because they focus on the other person, they make that person their world and forget that there is a whole world out there and that’s a good thing when the relationship is a stable and healthy but once it turns toxic it seems as though we are stuck in that mindset, completely stuck in their world, it’s in those times that we need to broaden our scope and remember that there is a whole world out there, we just need to look up and see it.

I have a lot in the works guys and I’m really going to try and conquer my self-sabotaging self (something else I’m going to talk about) so I can feel get myself where I should be.

Thank you for reading.

Have a blessed weekend,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

What’s in my draft 3

Hey boos

Here’s a what’s in my draft, I think this might be the third one I’ve posted on this page, I’m not sure. Anyway, this one is titled “The AfterMatt”  which is a 13 part poetry/story series that I’ve actually completed. I don’t know, for some reason I’m actually quite proud of this one.

So here you go, you’re reading “The AfterMatt”

JANUARY -SHOCK
He doesn’t need to say anything.
I can tell.
He tries to hide it, maybe he thinks I don’t notice. I watch him as he moves things around. he starts by rearranging the magazines on the table before deciding he does not want them on the table and puts them on the floor.
I brace myself.
He fluffs the pillows and folds the blanket lying carelessly on the floor.
I feel like I am being marched to the guillotine, I try to pull a brave face. I grin at him and blow him a kiss. I am a martyr not a criminal.
He grins back and it’s almost real, but it lasts too long.
In psychology there is this term called affective forecasting, the process by which people predict their emotional reactions to future events. 
He finally sits opposite me, he does not look at me.
I am aware of our toes slightly touching.
I am aware that I am leaning towards him and he is slouched against the chair.
I am aware that the loud but small clock I got him from his birthday is not ticking.
People routinely overestimate the joys of falling in love. 
I don’t know where I get the courage to speak.
“It’s not working is it”
and the pain of falling out of it. 
My voice does not shake.
He looks at me, not surprised or shocked at all. He just casts me a sad smile and shakes his head.
“I’ve been preparing but dreading this day. I wrote a whole draft. Liza, I-” his voice freezes in his throat.
I smile.
It’s ironic.
I get up to leave.
The walk to his door is longer than I remember it.
I feel like I am being marched to the guillotine.
“I’m sorry.”
 I try to pull a brave face.
“I’m sorry too.”
I am a martyr not a criminal.