two.

Nestle had always been a “too” since she was a baby.

She was always too much

or too little.

She was either too small or too big

She was too strong, too rough, too passionate, she had too many edges, she asked too many questions.

Tetley had always been a “to”

He was always in the background.

He was never the subject or the object but simply took his position between them.

In his last year of high school, his 4th girlfriend (he’d had one for every year)  had had a conversation with him he had tried to forget, she was trying to break up with him and he was trying to understand why.

“This isn’t about me is it?” he asked, referring to the breakup

“That’s the problem T, this isn’t about you, it’s NEVER about you! It’s always about me, it’s always “how’s YOUR day” or “what do YOU want to do” or “okay if YOU want” It’s like your life does not exist without me, it’s like YOU don’t exist without me, without someone, like you can never be alone because then there is nothing about you. Tell me, have you ever said or done anything that wasn’t completely influenced by someone else?”

And that’s exactly what had brought him to the dodgiest centre he had ever had the displeasure of seeing. 1/2 of the neon letters in its sign had stopped working so instead of being “Bobby’s pleasure centre”, it  looked  like “Bby’s ere entr”, it looked a bit ominous if T was being honest and the thought of going home had crossed his mind but he swatted it away.

His ex girlfriend’s words had stayed with him even though he was in his third year of University now, he had seen the advertisement for this free ballroom dancing class on gumtree and the conversation he  had with her came flooding back to him because he  once told her it was something he’d like to do, but she said it was too cringey so he didn’t. He signed up without much thought, that would show her, also the girl he was currently talking to said she really liked boys who did “out of character” things, joining the rugby team at his University was most certainly not an option as his somewhat skinny frame would break if any of the athletic rugby lads so much as looked at him and atleast if he embarrassed himself here, no one would know about it.

She had noticed him first.

He wasn’t exceptionally good looking but Nestle liked that, she didn’t like boys that were goodlooking, she always found them somewhat inauthentic, he had a boyish features and ginger hair, features that she wouldn’t normally find attractive but he worked with them well.

Nestle was certain she had found the love of her life or maybe it’s the dim lighting and the adrenaline from the fact that there is atleast one cute guy here, she smiled at the thought.

Well I hope he doesn’t wear that shirt at our wedding, Nestle laughed silently and rolled her eyes at the thought. I’m so annoying. 

T scanned the room, there was a comfortable amount of people, comfortable in that it wasn’t cramped enough to feel claustrophobic but not too few to feel self conscious. There was a good mix of guys and women but it seemed as though most were either couples or  friends, everyone seemed to know each other. His eyes stopped at a girl who seemed to be a bit farther away from the crowd, she was a black girl with cool dark blue braids in, T had had enough black friends to know that that probably wasn’t her real hair and to know that commenting on it was probably not the best conversation starter, except maybe if it was a compliment but then she’d probably have heard that a lot. He still thought it was cool though.

She was smiling and maybe it was the lighting but she had a beautiful smile.

The instructor called for everyone to gather in a circle, possibly introduce himself and give some instructions, T wasn’t  paying attention.

His eyes looked for hers again.

She was standing right underneath the light this time, directly opposite him. Her eyes were gleaming and she tilted her neck slightly, she stared at the instructor in deep concentration, she was quite cute. His eyes moved downwards, she was wearing a black turtle neck and mid length tartan skirt. He looked down at his own choice of attire, a purple and white plaid shirt and jeans, his favourite.

T was never one to shy away from conversation or from people, he liked talking, he liked making jokes, he liked being around people, it made him feel cool, for lack of better word and  under normal circumstances, he would just stroll to her and ask her if she’d be his partner but she made him nervous, like she might look at him and see his whole life and not be interested.

The instructor was now calling for everyone to find partners and everyone was looking to each other, she had moved away from the light.

Waiting.

Waiting to be chosen, she sighed and looked around, she couldn’t understand why people never chose her, why she was always left on the sidelines. She looked at the cute guy who was currently staring at another girl, this always happened to her, she was never going to be chosen.

He wasn’t sure what to do but he knew he didn’t really have much time to think, it was either now or never. His legs started first and before he knew he was right in front of her,  he had walked up to her and she couldn’t believe it, she was smiling again, this time with teeth and she was beautiful.

And she was still beautiful when he placed his arm, in the most cutest awkward way she had ever seen, around her waist.

And gosh, was she beautiful when he spun her, because her skirt spun too and she laughed and if this was a ball, she would definitely be the belle.

“So what’s your name?” she asked in the break, her eyes soft but like fire at the same time, piercing, daring almost.

“Well people call me T,” he responded hoping she wouldn’t ask him his full name “What’s yours?”

“Surely, it must come from something,” she laughed “What’s your full name?” she sounded like she actually cared about what he had to say, she looked like she wanted to know everything about him.

“Promise you won’t laugh, I hate my name, like I feel like my parents were having a laugh when they named me.” He said smiling, she laughed, he had such a lovely smile and his voice was nothing like anything she thought she would be attracted to but she loved it, she would have never thought that an Irish accent could  be remotely sexy, especially after how many times she had heard it.

“Let’s hear it then.”

“My full name is Tetley,” she couldn’t help laughing at the coincidence, it was just too humorous.

“I told you not to laugh!” he said like a child, which only made her laugh harder. he had an amused expression on his face which made her crush for him intensify and his eyes, his eyes were so piercing, they made her feel like a girl and a woman at the same time.

“No! No!” she said in between giggles “It’s not that, it’s just..” she said

“Just what?” he asked, crossing his arms again like a defensive child.

“My name is Nestle.” He couldn’t contain it himself either and laughed

“Are you serious?” He said through chuckles

“I guess our parents really enjoyed breakfast beverages.”

The conversation rolled on for the rest of the night. She called him Tea and he in return called her Mocha, because that was her favourite coffee. He went to the University of Edinburgh and she went to Heriot Watt, she gave him the facts about why Heriot Watt was superior, he didn’t agree. They both agreed One Direction was the best thing that happened to them  however he was very “After Zayn” and she was “Before Zayn”.

She was different, she had responses.

He listened.

She was fast with her remarks.

He asked questions.

She understood all his references.

He knew his memes.

She even had ones he did not recognise.

There were so many things she could tag him in.

She was funny.

He laughed at her jokes.

She was energetic.

He was grounded.

She was eager.

He was calm.

She asked questions.

He didn’t make her feel like a nuisance.

She was passionate.

He understood.

She was strong.

He was strong.

Even though she was little, her personality was big and she wasn’t afraid.

Even though he was big, he didn’t make her feel little.

She was honest.

He was kind.

She made him feel like he was the most interesting person in the world, he actually started believing he might be.

He made her feel just enough.

 

The class ended too quickly.

She wasn’t ready to go home yet, he had to make her stay.

He had to.

“Anywhere I can take you to?” He asked, grinning.

“Well, I guess I’m not too tired.” She responded.

And so they left together, to find a place for two.

 

Over weight: the food bit

Disclaimer: This post contains themes of like skipping meals, and the unhealthy desire to be skinny. I am not saying that being skinny is wrong, I am say the way I went about it IS. 

Hey boos,

How are you?

So I know this post is very late but listen, but here it is! If you’re a bit confused, the first part is here.

In the last episode, I talked about my story and gave a general overview of where it all began. Today, I’m going to speak about my relationship with food.

I don’t think, until now, I’ve ever had a good relationship with food, I used to see it as something that made me gain weight so on the days I went without it or ate little of it, I felt happy. I used to feel a certain novelty in being able to say I skipped breakfast or I hadn’t eaten lunch. I’m skipping ahead though, let’s start from the very beginning.

When I was very little, my parents told me that it used to be a struggle to feed me because I was very picky with what I ate (I don’t remember this) however that changed and I loved food, but not regular food, unhealthy food. I started eating a lot, and then I started eating, not because I was hungry, but because I was bored and I would eat big portions so obviously I was going to gain weight and I did (I remember this).

I wasn’t obese or anything but I was chubby and visibly bigger than all of my friends, well not friends, I didn’t have many friends in primary school (lol). Most of my female peers were slimmer than I was so that obviously didn’t really help my self-esteem. It also didn’t help that the popular girls in movies and TV were usually skinny and pretty with long hair and I wanted to be popular, so you can imagine I wasn’t exactly pleased with my chubby nature. I wanted to be skinny but I don’t remember ever actually doing anything to actively get me there.

The skipping meals didn’t start until boarding school, at the time I didn’t skip them because I wanted to lose weight, I just skipped it because I didn’t like the food they served so I lost a lot of weight, I lost so much weight. I wish I had a picture but I only have one picture from back then and I don’t even know where that picture is but I was so skinny then (I looked sick, it doesn’t look like me at all) and what is funny now that I think about it, I didn’t know I was skinny, I still thought I was chubby.

I don’t remember when I actively started skipping meals to lose weight, I think somewhere between The Netherlands and Scotland. I would skip meals and try to eat smaller portions and then binge on unhealthy food and feel guilty, it was just that never ending cycle. I didn’t see food as something that nourished my body or helped me grow, I never really saw it as a positive thing. I thought “healthy” meant “few” so the less calories I ate, the better.

This bring us to the beginning of last year when I started hanging out more with my friends, the thing about living with people is you get to see their life habits, habits like what they eat and in my case how much they eat. It made me extremely self conscious when my friends would eat half their meal and say they were full when there was me who was still hungry after eating the whole thing. This, interestingly enough, had never been a problem for me so I had no idea how to deal with it. What did I do? I tried to cut down on my eating which as you can imagine just left me hungry and wanting to snack on just about anything and everything, so now not only was I not eating enough nutrients for me, I was also filling the gap with a lot of snacks. I eventually realised that everyone has different needs and everyone has different food habits, that does not necessarily mean that mine are bad. What is good for the goose does not always have to be good for the gander.

My relationship with food is a lot better than it used to be, I try to eat when I am hungry and I try to eat enough to fill me. I try my best to watch what I eat and make healthy alternatives instead of just cutting it out of my diet completely. I try not to beat myself up when I binge on unhealthy food because I know now that this is a process and Rome wasn’t built in a day.

I’m doing these series just in case there might be anyone who could be going through their own health process right now and I would like for them to know that they are not alone and that this is a journey, everyday will not go exactly as you plan it and you need to learn to forgive yourself and let go.

I hope you enjoyed this and I’ll see you next week.

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

Pretty on pink.

TRIGGER WARNING: R*PE!

TRIGGER WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING

…..
Joseph parked his company car on the curb that day slightly annoyed, first of all he was still tired from last night, (although that was something his boss was not to know), secondly, he didn’t know why he had to be the one to drive all the way to this neighbourhood when Nathan could have gone, it was his turn away, the neighbourhood was far away and just full of snotty “upper town folk”. He composed himself before picking up his tool set, this job better be quick, maybe he could get a quick nap before heading back.
Number 11. 
 
The house was a cute house, whoever cared for it really seemed to have a thing for flowers and all things sweet smelling because the front of the house had all sorts of beautiful flowers growing on the front, Lilies, lavender, carnations, roses of all shapes and sizes, a bees heaven.
The sight made Joseph smile, he was quite the gardener himself and could always take the time to appreciate a perfectly perfect gardening job and this job, he must admit was perfectly perfect.
He pressed the doorbell and waited, the windows were wide open and Joseph could see the entire parlour.
It was very..
well..
pink.
Not Joseph’s taste but who was Joseph to judge, people were allowed to like what they like. The sofa although white was covered in all sorts of pink throw pillows, feathery ones, shiny ones, soft ones. The couch itself was something one would find in perharps an antique shop, it was one of those that ladies back in the day laid on to complain about all the suitors they had turn down that day or something silly like that, a fainting couch. Before he could judge the rest of the decor, the door opened and before him stood a young-ish woman, he would say perhaps 23 at most, wearing a pink gingham dress and pink gardening gloves.
She must really like pink. 
 
She had a very warm smile
“Hello there,” she said, and an even warmer voice.
“Hello,” he responded smiling back “you called for plumbing.” She look puzzled at first but it cleared away and was replaced with the same warm smile she greeted him with.
“Yes, yes, come in, I did do that didn’t I?” She said ushering him in, her house was as clean as anything and smelt delicious, like she had just been baking.
“You have a lovely home madam, do you garden?” she laughed and Joseph found himself smiling too
“Thank you so much! And yes, I love plants! Can I offer you something to drink? It’s quite warm today don’t you think? Water? Coke? I also have lemonade somewhere, homemade.”
“Homemade lemonade? I haven’t heard that about in a long time, it’s all commercial now, everything is now.”
“Yes, I make it myself, would you like some?” He couldn’t help himself, and that was Joseph’s biggest problem.
“Yes please.”
“Would you like to wait in the living room? the plumbing work is actually out in the…” her voice trailing off, as she went into the kitchen. Joseph took off his shoes and stepped into the living room, feeling out of place immediately. Everything seemed so pretty and cute, he wondered if she lived alone.
He found pictures of people everywhere he turned, there were pictures of her with people of different shapes and sizes. As he gazed around the room, a picture caught his eyes, it was a picture of two women, this woman he assumed, and someone familiar, he moved closer to inspect the picture.
Yes, he was right.
Cherry from High school, Cherry and him went to high school together but how is it possible? Could the woman be older than him? No, she couldn’t be, there is no way.
He must be a lot more tired than he thought, he reckoned.
“Here we are,” he turned around swiftly almost knocking the picture from its place on her shelf.
“Thank you,” he said picking up the drink. “You seem to know a lot of people.” he laughed referring to the many pictures before taking a gulp
“Yes,” she smiled “Family is very important to me.”
He felt uneasy but laughed it away, he must be tired, this job and he would take the rest of the day off.
He finished the drink in a few gulps, it was very sweet but very refreshing.
“Thank you, it tasted very good ma’am.”
“No problem, yes now, if you would like to follow me, the leak is actually down here.”
She directed him to a set of stairs, the walls were filled with pictures and antique things, cat clocks and interesting frames, everything pink of course.
His stomach ached.
“Right down here.”
“Did you know Cherry, Joseph?” she asked,  he didn’t remember telling her his name.
he was starting to feel dizzy.
“Yes, we went to high school together.” He couldn’t remember much of high school, it was never a good time for him, he was unhappy with his life and he took it out on others, which he should not have but high school was a deadly game and you had to play to live.
“That’s nice.”
Joseph felt his heart race go up, he felt  like he had been sprinting many miles.
“Are you a gardener Mr. Joseph?”
“Yes.” He stopped trying to catch his breathe
“What are your favourite flowers?”
“Hydrangeas ma’am” he gasped “blue ones, they remind me of my mum.”
“How lovely, do you want to know mine?”
Something wasn’t right. Something was very not right.
“They’re called Cobra Lilies.”
He tried to turn around , he was trying to go back the way he came but he couldn’t remember how he started.
“Their scientific name is darlingtonia Californica, how cute.”
“What did you do to me?” he screamed, he felt as though he had gone blind and was trying to claw his way through the house.
“It lures insects into its pitcher with its sweet smell.” her voice was drifting off now. Everything was beginning to feel hazy like on a hot summers day when the air felt slow and heavy.
“Let me out! Let me out!” he cried, a bright light seemed to come from a certain direction but every time he ran towards it, it divided itself into two.
“And it’s interesting,” her voice continued, still maintaining its warm nature but very far away now “because its closed pitchers have numerous, see through, false exits that exhausts its desperate victims as they try to escape.”
“Please,” he begged, panting “Let me out.” his heart was beating so hard in his chest, he thought it might explode.
“Family is very important to me.”
“What did you do to Cherry?” he could see her now, she was there, in the same pink outfit, looking as sweet as ever.
“Nothing, we went to high school together.”
“What did you do to Cherry?” she asked again, all of a sudden, he was there, he was in that room.
The smell got to him first.
“No” he whispered.
He could see himself, his younger self.
He could hear her.
He could hear him.
“Stop! Stop! Stop!”
“What did you do to Cherry?”
“Nothing, Nothing, I didn’t do anything.” the screams got louder. He tried to close his eyes but they wouldn’t close, he tried to move his hands to cover his ears but they wouldn’t budge.
The smell, the ghastly smell.
“Stop! stop!”
“What did you do?”
“I raped her, I raped her, I raped her” he cried, “I took advantage of her, she was looking for help and I took advantage of her.” His legs gave way, landing on his hands and knees, the tears continue to stream heavily.
 He was crying heavily and he couldn’t stop, he cried and he cried and he cried.
 It was him, it was him, it had always been him.
He wasn’t sure how long he had been crying for or even how long he had been there for, it could have been a minute, it could have been an hour, it could have been years however all of a sudden, everything stopped.
He was at the bottom of the staircase now, the woman facing him, smiling that same warm smile.
He could feel a dampness in his trousers and his eyes were painful but it no longer felt like there was an eagle flapping about in his chest.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” he begged  “I’m sorry. Please let me go, I’m sorry, I’m a good man now, I would never, please let me go, I never drank alcohol again ever since, I donate to charities, I make sure women never go out alone, last night at the work party, I made sure I left last so everyone could get home safely, I always do, please, I’m sorry.”
He turned around and ran, he was close.
He was so close.
There was the door handle, all he needed to do was turn it and he would be free.
He reached out to grasp it but he couldn’t, he tried again and again.
“I really would Joseph..” he sank to the floor, crying.
“But Family is very important to me.”
..
The lady picked out blue hydrangeas seeds from her selection of flowers seeds.
“You’ll fit perfectly in my garden,” she smiled and set to work immediately.

How to achieve/set goals in 2019

Hey boos,

Yay! Here we are in 2019, Happy new year! We all made it and I am proud of every single one of us, glad we all made it safe. I’d like to say a special welcome to all those that joined us in 2018, I’m glad you’re here and I’m excited to see where we will all go this year!

Today, the first Wednesday of the year, I would like to give you 5 helpful tips on how you can set and achieve your goals in 2019!

Let’s get right into it.

1. Be diligent

I don’t think a lot of people pay a lot of care when they make their goals, I think they just think of things they would like and then write that down.

People sometimes write their goals without any intention of actually following through with them so they don’t spend a lot of time properly thinking about what they actually want to achieve.

My tip is to take time and think about what you want to achieve, what do you actually really want to achieve? is it realistic? is it a continuous goal or is something you can complete during the course of this year? What aspects of your life do you want to see change? How many aspects of your life would you like to work on this year compared to last year? How do you intend on carrying out these goals?

2. Less is more.

The few goals you have, the more diligently you can work on them. Think about all the aspects in your life you would like to work on and have a few goals for each. For example, I have categorised my goals in 6 sections, faith, health, appearance, inner self, business and academic and in each section I have an average of 2 goals (apart from my faith goals where I have 4).  This way when I look at my goals, I don’t feel overwhelmed and having few gives me the ability to make in depth plans on how to achieve them.

3. Be Measurable.

Let your goals be measurable, because this way at the end of the year when you look back to see how you did, you can have tangible results. For example, under my business goals, I have the goal to reach 500 followers on my blog and this is measurable because at the end of the year, I can look at my blog followers and see how well I did. Under academics, for another example, I have the goal to study an hour everyday separate to the time I spend doing coursework. This is different from saying “at the end of the year, I want to study more” because I could study for one second more and call that an achievement and it’s also not very accountable because at any given day I could study for 5 minutes and tell myself I’m accomplishing my goal but 5 minutes won’t really make any difference (to me personally) in what I’ve learnt.

4. Put your goals everywhere.

Put your goals everywhere and I mean it, everywhere. It’s very easy to forget things in the world we live in, there is so much information floating around catching our attention that we forget things so easily. It’s very easy to write the goals and then put them in a journal that you’re never going to open until the end of the year. Write these goals and put them in places you look at often (your mirrors, your refrigerator, maybe as your wallpaper on your phone, at your desk) put it everywhere and even if you do get desensitised to it and you dont notice yourself reading it, it is still in your brain subconsciously.

5. Switch up the wording. 

If you are moving some of your goals from last year into this year, I would suggest that you change the wording or add something to it to make it interesting and new. You don’t want to start of the year bored of your goals is essentially what I am trying to say.

If your goal for the last ten years has been to lose tummy fat, switch up the words, you could for example do your research as to what types of food  increases fat building around your stomach and set yourself a challenge to stay away from those foods.(I am not saying that you should quit eating bread or dairy or whatever it is, as I’m not a dietitian I can’t make those claims), what I am saying is, do your research and set a challenge for yourself. You might not quit anything but instead decide to do a workout catered to abs and weight loss a certain amount of times per week, I don’t know, that’s at your discretion.

Those are my tips for goals and I hope that this really helps everyone achieve their goals this year! Let me know what some of your goals are and how you plan on achieving them. Don’t forget to like, comment and follow and come back next week Wednesday for another post!

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

OVER weight: my story

Hey boos,

How is it going? good? that’s good.

I’ve decided I’m gonna do a series called OVER weight which follows my weight journey. This was supposed to be one blog post but I realised I have a lot to say so it’s gonna be a 3 part series. The next one is gonna go in depth with my relationship with food but this one is more about how it all began and where I’m at now.

Today’s topic is gonna be a hard hitting one but let’s not make it awkward though. Let’s remember that this was then and now is now and I’m more than good now. I think it’s good to talk about these things because someone might be going through it right now and they might see or read something like this and feel better.

Anyway so back then, I didn’t really have a good relationship with my weight, not anyone’s fault, there was no childhood trauma that made me rely on food as a crutch, I had a really great childhood. When I was really young, I did not enjoy eating and it was a struggle for my parents to get me to eat but I had a really bad sweet tooth so it wasn’t long before I started putting on weight.

I don’t remember weight being an issue for me until I got into primary school.

Kids were vicious and I’m not going to play the victim card because I know I was vicious too so again, it was no one’s fault. I got picked on a lot because of my weight (I wore glasses as well so that didn’t really help my situation). I left the school and things got better because I went to a new school where I was appreciated and my weight wasn’t made fun of  but the damage had already been done.

My weight became my touchy subject and I always saw myself as overweight even when I wasn’t.

I moved countries and became even more aware of my weight, I had lost most of my baby fat by then but I could not shake off the feeling of being overweight. I remember a girl, my friend, poked my stomach once through my hoodie and I shrinked, I didn’t want her to feel my big stomach. Holland was good for me though, we ate very healthy and biked everywhere, I was probably my most fit then.

It got worse when we moved again though, this time to Aberdeen. Biking didn’t really happen anymore because we took the bus, I had friends again and a wide variety of unhealthy places to go out to eat, we still ate healthy at home though. It got worse because all I could see was how overweight I was (even though I wasn’t really..) and gaining weight was my biggest fear. I used to hate my body, I have this memory of just staring at myself in the mirror and looking at my thighs (so cliche) and just feeling so ugly.

I wanted to be skinny but I couldn’t, I would eat unhealthy things or just too much and then feel guilty then I would try to make myself throw up the food so atleast it wouldn’t be in my stomach (it never stuck, thank God) but I couldn’t get myself to throw up. Now I like to think that it was God helping me out but back then I did not see it like that. I frequently asked if I was gaining weight and I thought, if I could just be thinner then I would be attractive so I would run heavily for two weeks at a time, give up, eat a ton of junk food, feel bad, run again for two weeks and it was a constant cycle.

I would watch youtube videos with girls that looked thin (not on purpose, that’s just what they looked like) then I’d google how to get a flat stomach in 2 weeks.

I just wanted to be thin. I just wanted to be thin fast.

I went to a church camp, came back and I remember looking at myself in the mirror a few weeks after and not feeling that hate that I felt and that was probably the beginning of the end.

It took me a while to learn to exercise not for other people but for myself, and it wasn’t really until this year that I learnt to exercise for health rather than out of desperation.

There are still times when I look at myself when I was younger and feel upset because I was thinner then, there are still times when I binge out and then feel extremely guilty and frustrated at myself.

I’ve learned to appreciate myself through it all though and I’ve seen that growth in myself.  Last month I think, I put one of my old graduation dresses on and I couldn’t zip it up all the way, if that were me even just at the beginning of the year, that would have pushed me into despair, I would be upset and sad and disappointed.  This time, I was sad for a few minutes, I took off the dress and put it away and decided that if I wanted to fit in that dress again, I had to do it healthily through exercise and good food. It might not happen in a week or a month but through persistence and consistency.

I’m not gonna lie and say I’m no longer affected, if I’m being honest, gaining weight is still a big, big fear. Sometimes I catch myself not eating because I want to lose weight but I know now that, that does not help.

So what changed?

Me.

I changed.

I began to see exercise as something you did for yourself, I see the joy in working out. I’m gonna sound like a #GymLad right now but I feel so good after getting a good work out, to me working out is an easy way to achieve goals. If I tell myself I want to run on the threadmill for 20 minutes and my body surprises me and I run for 30 minutes, I feel proud, I feel happy, I dance around the gym (depending on how many people are there)

I actually enjoy eating healthy. I like the way I feel when I have a salad or when I exercise self control and cook instead of getting a takeaway.

It is something that takes a while especially if you’ve been made fun of as a kid for being fat, that’s the kind of thing that sticks to you but I think once you realize that  weight isn’t something that chains you down, you can lose it if you want to, sure it takes effort but you can do it.

Only when you learn to admire yourself, can you really begin to admire yourself in motion. It’s only when you appreciate your legs that you can really love how strong they feel when they’re running and you’ll learn to love the pain because it reminds you that you DID THAT.

Am I still gonna see pretty thin girls, or pretty curvy girls on my instagram and feel bad?

Yea, maybe a little but I’ll remind myself that my body is great too and so is everyone’s. It’s kept me moving this far, it’s taken you from point a to b for this long, there’s beauty in that.

It also helps that the maker of the heavens and earth loves and cherishes me the way I am 🙂

But yeah, this is part one. See you next week Wednesday for part two.

Have a blessed week,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

You’re doing great.

Hey boos,

I haven’t done this in a while and it almost feels foreign, which is kind of sad. The days fly by so fast and before you know it, it’s 3 am a week before your semester exams and you’re half way through second year? It’s all a bit mad.

First, a quick update.

I don’t really know what to say, I guess I’m still transitioning into myself and that’s fine. I definitely do see growth in the way I act and in the way I respond to things,  there aren’t massive changes but I know they are steps in the right direction. Rome wasn’t built in a day and even though my slow pace can be frustrating at times, I know I will get to where I need to get to eventually.

I also had dinner with my friends last week, where I attempted to make Nigerian food and we spoke about Christianity and it was good, I think good chats came out of it but we’ll leave the rest in the hands of God.

I have exams literally next week, next week Tuesday. Don’t start.

Anyway, I’ve been noticing that as December is approaching, people seem to be burning out. I’ve heard a lot of complaints about tiredness and overthinking and going through it. Personally, I think it’s the year coming to an end and exams and everything seems to be taking its toll.

I was watching a video and at the end of it, the person says “You’re doing great” and I honestly almost started crying and I instantaneously felt better, it was then that I realised no one really says that anymore. When was the last time you told someone that they were doing great? When was the last time someone told you, you were doing great?

I think, as people, we’ve become so good at acting and so good at deciding for others. We’ve become so good at acting because we go on pretending as if everything is okay and as if we are perfectly perfect when we aren’t so no one ever thinks to give us any sort of reassurance. We’ve become so good at deciding for other people in that, we see someone and we instantly think they do not want or need reassurance.

I’m here to tell you that I am so proud of you.

Yea, you.

You’ve come so far from when you first began and I see it even when you don’t and I am so so proud of you for that.

I love watching the person you’re becoming, and even though you are tired and feeling a bit or very burned out and everything just seems like noise.

You are so loved and so appreciated and so well looked upon by your friends and family and you might be feeling lonely right now, but listen to me,  you aren’t. Trust me you are not. You have your friends and you have your family and you have me, always!

You may be feeling like you’re not beautiful or you are not attractive or smart or nobody loves you, but listen to me, you are beautiful.

You are beautiful and okay so maybe I don’t know what you look like but do you know what I know? I know that you’re beautiful in your soul, in your heart, in the thing that keeps you alive, you are beautiful there. You may not be able to see it, but the people around you do.

Maybe you’re not in a relationship and everyone around you is, so you feel like you’re not good enough, but you are. You don’t want to be with just anybody, you want to be with someone who loves you, every single bit of you, not just you when you look attractive but also you at 6 am in the morning when you haven’t taken a shower in 3 days (please take a shower) and don’t know what you’re doing with your life and you’re not going to find that in just anybody, it takes time. You take time. You are so worth that time.

You might not feel smart because everyone around you seems to be getting better grades than you, even though you try your hardest and you’re just tired. Listen, you are smart and maybe it takes you a little bit more effort than everyone else, that doesn’t make you stupid. You are smart and it’s okay if you’re smart in a different way, that’s still smart.

Please stop hating yourself.

You don’t deserve that.

Get to know yourself more, become friends with you. Do you even know what you like? what are your hobbies? what’s your favourite colour?

Get to know you, I’m sure you’ll surprise yourself.

Like I said Rome wasn’t built in a day, no good relationship just happens like that. A relationship with you is just like any other relationship, it needs time and nurturing. Become acquaintances first, talk about the weather and all that boring stuff then hang out with yourself, take yourself to see a movie, take a walk, talk to yourself.

You’re doing so well, my love. Be proud of yourself.

tldr: You’re doing great.

You’re doing so, so well.

Recommended song to listen with post: It is well (live) by Kirsten Dimarco, Bethel Music

Greater things by Mack Brock

 

I finally did it

I am buzzing lads.

I don’t even have time for my usual greeting, I am way too excited for that.

Y’all notice anything different though?

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Anything?

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ANYTHING AT ALL?

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WE HAVE A DOMAIINNNNNN

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I know! I KNOW! 

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I can’t believe that I’ve actually done it guys, like ugh join me in thanking God. I didn’t even think I was going to do it today! It’s currently 2:40 AM and I’m sat in this cute little nook I made for myself, sniffling in my satin pyjamas and I need to go to bed so I’ll finish this blog post off tomorrow but I just wanted to say that God did it.

On October 27th, 2:30 AM in the morning, Gedo made her very first investment towards her blog. On this day, she went from .wordpress.com to just .com. SHOOKETH.

Okay bed time now.

Hey boos,

So it’s a reasonable time now and I’m finishing up this post, still sniffling in my satin pyjamas. I just wanted to say that this is feels like a big milestone, just a couple weeks ago I finally hit  100 followers (currently on 112 now) and it feels like things are coming together.

I know this post is extremely jumbled up and definitely not a”perfect” post but honestly not all posts will be. I am far from being the “perfect” “put together” human being that people on social media love to be, and honestly I don’t know if I ever want my posts to be all perfect and fancy and put together and lacking personality, do you know what I mean?

My blog posts are me and when people read them I want the experience to feel like a conversation with their best friend, I want people to feel like they are getting a bit of me,  and I want them to feel like “oh well she doesn’t seem perfect and she’s doing it, so maybe I can too”.

Anyway, I am going way off topic but I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though this blog will continue to improve and get cuter and bigger, I’m going to try really hard to make sure it stays sincere, honest and raw.

So yea, cheers to .com.

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Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

to all the girls that yet to fall

This one is straight from my journal and I feel like since we are all friends here I can share, and I know this does not pertain to ALL the guys in the world and all of that, but yea I wont continue to explain myself so I don’t ruin the magic for you.
So enjoy, this is “to all the girls that are yet to fall”

My dearest love,
Darling child
You will be lost but you will find yourself again
so tuck your hair behind your ear and be strong.

The first boy will be…..a boy
He will know the right words to say
and kiss you softly on the lips
He will leave a warm smile on your face
and make you feel like the only girl
but you are not.
and the reason he has all the right words is because he has practiced them
time
and
time
again.

The second boy will be quiet
He is shrouded in mystery
and he never answers questions directly
He doesn’t talk                                  much
Yet he has mastered the language of the eyes
He will tell you he wants you
and needs you
and loves you
all without speaking

He will make you feel like words are useless
but you will soon come to realise the repetition in his language
and you will begin to wonder if his mystery is just another word for nothing.

The third boy will be your favourite boy.
He is everyone’s favourite.
He will make you laugh till you bend
With him, everything is new, everything is bright, everything is an adventure.
With him all sorrows are forgotten and all worries are lost.
But soon the jokes will no longer be funny
and you’ll try to find something concrete
Something you can grasp on to but it’ll all be dust
as things that are forgotten can be remembered and things that are lost can always be found.

Now the fourth boy, you’ll know to run away from yet he will draw you like a LIGHT attracts a MOTH.
He will smell of smoke, risk and expensive perfume
It will scare you but it will be so exhilarating.
He will paint pictures of Paris, London, Milan to you and drink the most expensive champagne to your name
You will argue.

At first, it’ll be one of the things you love about him but then it’ll become all that you do.

Soon Paris will no longer be as beautiful and la vie en rose will be a sad, sad song.

The last boy.
The one right under your nose.
You will ask him how his day was and he will tell you.
He will cuddle you and ask you if you got home safe.
He will kiss the tears of your eyelids and hold your hand as you rant to him about how bad your day was.
It will be so easy and you won’t know what to do because you’ve always been on fight mode
You’ve always been on try hard mode

Ride or die mode
Ride until it dies mode
and it always dies mode.
It might not be explosive.
glittery.
and blinding.

but he will be good to you.
and that will be just fine.

August recap: Break, University, Self-reinvention

Hey boos,

It’s ya girl next door, how are you? (My flatmates are currently getting ready to go out and I can hear them discussing outfits, s/o to you sisters)

So it’s been very quiet on my end lately, both social media, youtube and blogging wise that’s because I have in fact moved back into University for my second year and I am currently juggling 2 jobs, education, social life and good life habits and let me tell you something it is not easy. I like it though I feel like now I have less time for idleness.

Anyway, my August recap, I feel like August was a really good month for me, I drew closer to God and was able to stick to the tasks I wanted to stick to. It’s hard to believe that summer is over though, a bit mad isn’t it?

I have decided that I am going to re-invent myself to become a better woman and to be have and portray myself in the way that God wants me to be and it’s a lot easier said than done especially at University when there is so much going on all at one time, you’re working and you’re making sure you’re eating right and seeing your friends and deadlines but I am really going to try my best to be the best I can be.

I think I might start doing something like a goal of the month where I set one goal for different categories in my life and blog about it to let you know how it goes.

How would you guys feel about that?

I’ve also been thinking about my purpose, and I think I might know what it is finally. Funnily enough, it was written in one of my old agendas and I read it and remembering thinking wow, 12 year old me had such a strong sense of purpose, because I wrote it down so well and beautifully that I feel like it couldn’t have been me that thought of it.

I will write about it when God has given me 100% confirmation but I feel as though that is what it is.

I am going to sign out now because I need to write out a grocery list for this weekend as well as meal prep ideas, then I need to read and write out some notes, respond to some emails AND come up with a schedule so that my days are as productive but spaced out as possible. The whole point is so to be productive, not burnt out.

Thank you for reading and let me know what your goals are for the month of September.

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

5 TIPS FOR MOVING INTO HALLS!

Hey boos,

How are you? I know I haven’t written on this blog in what feels like a while, but I have just been really busy lately. I am going back to University very soon (yupp, summer came and went so quickly) so I’ve been preparing for that.

I know a lot of people, like me, will be preparing for University so I thought I would make a guide to make your moving in as easy and as stress free as possible.

  1. You don’t need half of what you’re taking.

When I moved into halls during first year, I definitely took a lot of things, games, bits and bobs, decoration pieces that I felt were cute but in retrospect, all they did was take space and collect dust. Try to pack minimally, there is nothing wrong with a few decorative pieces here and there to make your room feel homely but do you really need two rugs?

2. You don’t need to take all your clothes.

The closet space at University tends to be smaller than what you’re used to and there is a big likelihood you’ll buy more things whilst you are there so don’t take all of your clothes with you no matter how tempted you are to do so, I would suggest taking 1/3 of your current closet.

3. Remember that this isn’t your forever home.

Remember that you will be packing up all your stuff again at the end of (1st year) so don’t fill it up with big furniture and big plants because you will have to pack it all away again and you do not need that extra hassle, trust me.

4. Keep the boxes.

I know this isn’t the most aesthetically pleasing suggestion but try to keep some of the boxes you used perhaps under your bed or on top of your closet so that when you move out again at the end of the year, you don’t need to scramble around looking for where to pack your stuff into.

5. Make lists and then make them again.

People always says this, but it is so important to make lists and then make them again! I say make them again because you might forget some things and if you revise your list again you might find some things you don’t need.

I hope this has helped you even if it’s just a little bit!

Make sure to check my youtube channel (theshenarrative) because I will be posting a lot more University content on there!

Have a blessed weekend,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx