How is it going? good? that’s good.
I’ve decided I’m gonna do a series called OVER weight which follows my weight journey. This was supposed to be one blog post but I realised I have a lot to say so it’s gonna be a 3 part series. The next one is gonna go in depth with my relationship with food but this one is more about how it all began and where I’m at now.
Today’s topic is gonna be a hard hitting one but let’s not make it awkward though. Let’s remember that this was then and now is now and I’m more than good now. I think it’s good to talk about these things because someone might be going through it right now and they might see or read something like this and feel better.
Anyway so back then, I didn’t really have a good relationship with my weight, not anyone’s fault, there was no childhood trauma that made me rely on food as a crutch, I had a really great childhood. When I was really young, I did not enjoy eating and it was a struggle for my parents to get me to eat but I had a really bad sweet tooth so it wasn’t long before I started putting on weight.
I don’t remember weight being an issue for me until I got into primary school.
Kids were vicious and I’m not going to play the victim card because I know I was vicious too so again, it was no one’s fault. I got picked on a lot because of my weight (I wore glasses as well so that didn’t really help my situation). I left the school and things got better because I went to a new school where I was appreciated and my weight wasn’t made fun of but the damage had already been done.
My weight became my touchy subject and I always saw myself as overweight even when I wasn’t.
I moved countries and became even more aware of my weight, I had lost most of my baby fat by then but I could not shake off the feeling of being overweight. I remember a girl, my friend, poked my stomach once through my hoodie and I shrinked, I didn’t want her to feel my big stomach. Holland was good for me though, we ate very healthy and biked everywhere, I was probably my most fit then.
It got worse when we moved again though, this time to Aberdeen. Biking didn’t really happen anymore because we took the bus, I had friends again and a wide variety of unhealthy places to go out to eat, we still ate healthy at home though. It got worse because all I could see was how overweight I was (even though I wasn’t really..) and gaining weight was my biggest fear. I used to hate my body, I have this memory of just staring at myself in the mirror and looking at my thighs (so cliche) and just feeling so ugly.
I wanted to be skinny but I couldn’t, I would eat unhealthy things or just too much and then feel guilty then I would try to make myself throw up the food so atleast it wouldn’t be in my stomach (it never stuck, thank God) but I couldn’t get myself to throw up. Now I like to think that it was God helping me out but back then I did not see it like that. I frequently asked if I was gaining weight and I thought, if I could just be thinner then I would be attractive so I would run heavily for two weeks at a time, give up, eat a ton of junk food, feel bad, run again for two weeks and it was a constant cycle.
I would watch youtube videos with girls that looked thin (not on purpose, that’s just what they looked like) then I’d google how to get a flat stomach in 2 weeks.
I just wanted to be thin. I just wanted to be thin fast.
I went to a church camp, came back and I remember looking at myself in the mirror a few weeks after and not feeling that hate that I felt and that was probably the beginning of the end.
It took me a while to learn to exercise not for other people but for myself, and it wasn’t really until this year that I learnt to exercise for health rather than out of desperation.
There are still times when I look at myself when I was younger and feel upset because I was thinner then, there are still times when I binge out and then feel extremely guilty and frustrated at myself.
I’ve learned to appreciate myself through it all though and I’ve seen that growth in myself. Last month I think, I put one of my old graduation dresses on and I couldn’t zip it up all the way, if that were me even just at the beginning of the year, that would have pushed me into despair, I would be upset and sad and disappointed. This time, I was sad for a few minutes, I took off the dress and put it away and decided that if I wanted to fit in that dress again, I had to do it healthily through exercise and good food. It might not happen in a week or a month but through persistence and consistency.
I’m not gonna lie and say I’m no longer affected, if I’m being honest, gaining weight is still a big, big fear. Sometimes I catch myself not eating because I want to lose weight but I know now that, that does not help.
So what changed?
I began to see exercise as something you did for yourself, I see the joy in working out. I’m gonna sound like a #GymLad right now but I feel so good after getting a good work out, to me working out is an easy way to achieve goals. If I tell myself I want to run on the threadmill for 20 minutes and my body surprises me and I run for 30 minutes, I feel proud, I feel happy, I dance around the gym (depending on how many people are there)
I actually enjoy eating healthy. I like the way I feel when I have a salad or when I exercise self control and cook instead of getting a takeaway.
It is something that takes a while especially if you’ve been made fun of as a kid for being fat, that’s the kind of thing that sticks to you but I think once you realize that weight isn’t something that chains you down, you can lose it if you want to, sure it takes effort but you can do it.
Only when you learn to admire yourself, can you really begin to admire yourself in motion. It’s only when you appreciate your legs that you can really love how strong they feel when they’re running and you’ll learn to love the pain because it reminds you that you DID THAT.
Am I still gonna see pretty thin girls, or pretty curvy girls on my instagram and feel bad?
Yea, maybe a little but I’ll remind myself that my body is great too and so is everyone’s. It’s kept me moving this far, it’s taken you from point a to b for this long, there’s beauty in that.
It also helps that the maker of the heavens and earth loves and cherishes me the way I am 🙂
But yeah, this is part one. See you next week Wednesday for part two.
Have a blessed week,
Lots of love,