I don’t know what is going to happen with this post, I just feel led to write it so let’s see where it goes?
So recently I’ve just come to a block with my relationship with God and I’ve come to a realization that I don’t know God and I don’t know how to love him. That’s probably coming off as a total shocker to a lot of people considering how I’m so open about my faith and how much I appreciate God. Let me explain what I mean.
I realized that I don’t really know God for myself and I don’t know how to have a personal relationship with him. In a sense, I’ve been like the Pharisees, you know, when Jesus came because I only do traditions. I don’t pray because I want to talk to God, I pray because I feel like if I don’t, God will hate me or someone who is close to me will die because I haven’t prayed for protection over them and then when I do pray it’s the same monotonous prayer that I always pray because I don’t know how to talk to God.
I realized when I post things on my social media, praising God publically it’s not necessarily because I want to but because I feel like if I don’t, I’m not being a good Christian. I don’t do things or say things or listen to things or watch things because I feel like I’m not being a good Christian. So by doing things not because I love him or because I want to do them but because I feel like if I don’t do them, I will be punished, I have hardened my heart to God. I don’t love him the way I should and I don’t know what it feels like to love him (yet) because I haven’t been spending my time doing things because I love God, I’ve been spending my time in a routine that has just made me harden my heart towards him. I do things because I am afraid of the consequences (this is hard to write).
My mom always used to tell me this all the time about how I see God as a military God who punishes those who don’t live exactly according to his rules with no compassion whatsoever and I didn’t understand at the time, I just didn’t see it but now I’ve come to this realization and it’s hard, to be honest. I’m moving forward now, trying to unlearn my old ways which isn’t easy either but by God’s grace, I’ll stop and this time I’ll not just “know” but I’ll believe as well.
I’ve never really had Christian friends, I’ve had friends that are also Christians but are Christians in their own time if you know what I mean. Like we didn’t really talk about our faith when we hung out. Now though, I’m trying to get more involved with the Christian Union, making Christian friends and it’s great but then I realized that I started feeling insecure about my faith. I felt like I wasn’t a good Christian (again with this good Christian malarky) like my Christian wasn’t Christian enough. I remember there was a blog post I did, I think it was about anxiety or something and I was a bit anxious to post it (wow) because I was afraid that they would read it and not think my belief in God was good enough? I don’t know, but it happened. Now I’m beginning to learn that there is really no such thing as a “good” Christian, or “not being Christian enough”. A relationship with God is a personal thing and just because my relationship with God is different from yours or because the way I pray is different from the way you pray, doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m a bad Christian because, at the end of the day, I’m praying to my God who knows my voice.
I’ve also been feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, today, I watched a video about this 23 year old woman who started a company in the Netherlands and she moved to the United States and her life just looked so great and put together and it led me in a whole spin about the fact that I had no passions and I hadn’t made any accomplishments at the age of 19 and just not really doing anything and it really weighed down on my spirits, so I went to lay in my bed and it just came to mind that I should keep on doing what I’m doing that God was going to lead me somewhere. I kind of ignored it and kept on listening to my “chasing pavements” by Adele cause you know, when Gedo goes in she REALLY goes in but the thought just kept coming into mind and I brought out my journal to complain about how everything I try ends up failing only to end up looking at my goals, I got a little more inspired and went to take a shower and instead had a full heartfelt worship session to God and I really felt like he had a plan for me and that I really do have greater things to come, like I really felt it.
I think what I’m trying to say is Christians go through hardships, everyone goes through hard times and struggle but we have God to cling on to and if we just cling, we can make it.
This is supposed to be a post to encourage and to let you know that we all have our days and our doubts and our low points but God has a greater plan for you, for me, for all of us.
If you were looking for a “sign” to not give up, to stay on it, to keep trying then this is your sign.
Greater things are yet to come.
Have a very blessed day,
Lots of love,