Even when it hurts

Jennifer heard two bangs that sounded very similar to thunder.

It was going to be a bad day.

They’d been having a lot of bad days lately.

Jennifer listened as the hurricane upstairs destroyed everything in her path.

She was exhausted.

Please God. She begged before taking a deep breathe, softly making her way up the stairs. Jennifer knew it was going to be difficult, she wasn’t an idiot. She had researched, she watched YouTube videos, she had prayed, she had went to church, she had a phd in developmental psychology, she was ready.

Turns out a doctorate doesn’t offer much shelter when facing a hurricane.

“Ronica?” she said softly as she opened the door, bracing herself for the damage.

Veronica was sat with her back to Jennifer and her head in her hands. Her stringy brown hair covering her neck and shoulders. She snapped her head back so quickly, Jennifer was afraid she might have moved something in her neck.

“My name is not Veronica.” she said with venom, she said it slowly like a snake, enunciating every word, making sure Jennifer felt every single shot. Jennifer felt herself crumbling. She opened the door fully and stepped into the room.

Veronica jolted up.

She was in her territory now.

“What’s going on?” Jennifer tried again, dropping the “Veronica”.

“Why do you care?” the girl asked quietly, Jennifer taking this as a sign of withdrawal,  took two more steps. Wrong move.

“You’re not my mother.” she said. Jennifer felt her hands clam up.

“You don’t love me! You don’t know me!” She was shouting now.

Jennifer remembered when she picked Veronica up to bring her home for the first time. She’d had a tiny suitcase and she had worn a grey hoodie with black leggings, her brown hair as stringy as ever. Jennifer had made the decision to love Veronica then, and to love her for the rest of her life.

Jennifer looked at the girl that now stood in front of her, her face was crumpled up like paper and red, her nose flared and her mouth opened and closed. She looked like an angry tomato. Jennifer looked at Veronica’s hands clamped tightly beside her and her feet stomping.

She’d been thinking about love a lot lately, about what it meant, what it felt like, if she really had it in her, the word seemed unrecognisable to her now, even when she looked at it, it just seemed odd, incomplete.  She’d mentioned her thoughts to her work friends and they looked at her concerned, then she’d mentioned them to her women’s group and they’d said they would pray for her.

She had appreciated that.

Veronica was now walking towards her, she was pushing.

The thud, thud, thud of Veronica’s hands against her, oddly reminded her of rain, or perhaps when water dripped slowly into a bucket. Veronica’s hands didn’t hurt, there was only so much a ten year old girl could do but the shock from her hands on Jennifer’s chest caused Jennifer to take a step back every time.

“I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t care! I don’t want your love! Just leave me alone! Just go away!”

This hurt. Jennifer preferred the hitting.

“You don’t love me! It’s not true! It’s not!” Jennifer felt her heart in her throat.

“That’s not true.” Jennifer responded, holding Veronica’s hands.

“Don’t say that.” Jennifer knew she was crying, she wished she wasn’t. You weren’t supposed to cry in front of your child. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s not true.” Veronica continued, shouting louder as if trying to drown out Jennifer’s words. Veronica was crying too, crying and hitting and shouting.

“It’s not true.” She said finally before falling to her knees, wailing into her hands.

Jennifer looked down at the child at her feet.

She felt it then.

The love that she had been questioning, it had been there the whole time. She felt it as it made its rounds around her heart and then out of her heart, out of her chest, into her throat and into her arms and down her legs to her toes.

She knelt down and put her arms around her child. She felt her stiffen but she didn’t let go, clinging on tighter. She felt her childs’ ragged breaths and felt her lean her head on her chest. Jennifer looked out the window, the wind blew against the trees, dragging them left and right. Jennifer hugged onto her child tighter.

“I love you.” Jennifer whispered first into her hair. Incomplete.

“I love you.” she said again louder. She waited and listened to the wind outside.

“Even when it hurts.” She added. Complete. It felt complete now.

“Even when it hurts.” She heard Veronica mutter underneath her breath.

Jennifer smiled and kissed her daughter’s stringy brown hair.

They’d been having a lot of bad days lately.

But today was a good one.

 

 

 

3 positive affirmations you deserve to hear

Hey boos,

I am now officially on Summer break! You know what that means, I can actually pay attention to things! (YEEAAAA BOIIIII!)

So this week hasn’t been the easiest of weeks mentally, it’s not been bad but it’s not been great either and sometimes, actually very often, I watch ASMR to help me sleep (and it really helps me, some people think its really creepy but like get that negativity away from me, thank u x) anyway, at the end of this specific video, the youtuber said something along the lines of “You are loved, you are strong and I am proud of you.” and that really gave me comfort and joy. I think in this time, a lot of us still have exams, a lot of us are graduating, summer is coming and a lot of us don’t really know what we are going to be doing, we could all do with some positive affirmations. The bible has so many, like God’s word just encourages me so much and gives me so much comfort, it’s great.

  1. You are loved.

Romans 8; 37-39, possibly one of my favourite verses says “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I love this passage so much because sometimes you think, how can God ever love someone like me? or you think that you’ve made him so angry and he doesn’t love you anymore, you think now that he’s seen how filthy my heart is, he wants nothing to do with me. This passage always comforts, and is like nah, there is nothing in creation that can separate us from God’s love, that can stop God from loving us, no matter how grimy and dirty you are, your heart is, how disobedient and stubborn your spirit is, God still loves you and you can’t stop that. It’s insane to think that even when you feel like no one in this universe loves you or cares for you, the creator of everything in this universe and more loves you. (happy reacts only) 

Not only has God loved you, he has also given you people that love you. “No one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age; homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields -along with persecutions-and in the age to come eternal life” -Mark 10; 29-30

God has given us so many Christian brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers that love us and are there for us*****, it truly is amazing. You have so many people in Christ that support you and love you and want the best for you. (I also put the rest of the verse because I wanted us all to see that Christianity is not all sunshine and rainbows but like its fine, our strength is in God)

2. There will be hard, trying times but the hard times don’t last.

Sometimes when you’re in a hard situation, in a rut, it’s just so hard to see the end of it. You feel like you might never leave there and just the thought of that is almost too hard to bear. Have no fear, you won’t be there forever.

“This is what the Lord Almighty says: “The fasts of fourth, fifth, seventh and tenth months will become joyful and glad occasions and happy festivals for Judah. Therefore love truth and peace” Zechariah 8;19. From my understanding, those fasts and times were times of mourning for Judah but God put an end to those fasts of mourning and turned them into glad and happy occasions, much like whatever it is you might be going through in this time. These days of sadness for you will be turned into days of joy and happiness, by God; in Jesus’s name, Amen.

“In that day I will restore the fallen house of David. I will repair its damaged walls. From the ruins I will rebuild it and restore its former glory” Amos 9;11****

God is will rebuild you from the ground up and restore whatever it is you think you might have lost. I can honestly say, it’s going to be fine. (..that is, if you let God come into your life and do the work that needs to be done in you to restore you and be pruned, you can’t grow and be better if you don’t let yourself get pruned)

3.  You’re not weak for asking for help.

So my friends and I were taking our love languages test the other day (well I was forcing everyone to take it, but that’s a different story) and the least love language sign for me was acts of service, which is like when someone helps you out. No surprise because I have always felt bad asking for help, I feel like when I ask for help, I am weak, that’s just my human pride speaking and not letting me get better and I need to work on it.

Accepting help does not make you weak at all. 

In fact Matthew 10: 9-11, Jesus urges his disciples to accept help from others.

“Do not get any gold or silver or copper to take with you in your belts- no bag for the journey or extra shirt or sandal of staff, for the worker is worth his keep. Whatever town or village you enter, search for some worthy person and stay at their house until you leave.”

There is no shame in asking for help when you need it, sometimes you need that extra support and that’s fine, that’s what the rest of us are here for.

In 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4, it says “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ……….who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” God has helped us and we are here to help you with the help God has given us, it’s all good darling.

So those are the 3 positive affirmations, I think this is very important and I will be posting more on my blog as the Lord continues to reveal more to me. I plan on making another blog post on how the Word of God has comforted and confronted the beliefs I had about myself and I’m excited to put that up, should be good.

I hope we are all enjoying the lovely sun? (It’s so sunny in Edinburgh right now, I am absolutely THRIVING, Golden hour is literally the best time of my day)

Anyway, have a blessed weekend.

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

*****Also I am aware that not everyone is currently surrounded by people that truly mean and want the best for them and that’s sad because God obviously want us to have that comfort and I think church is a really good place to get that so I’d say a good first step is to get plugged in to a good church where you’re fed and loved (even if you aren’t a christian, I find a lot of joy and comfort and love just being at church, you can go on your own or ask your local friendly neighbourhood christian friend)  and of course, I’m always down to listen to anyone that needs a-listening.

****** That’s the version in my personal bible, the NIV says “I will restore David’s fallen shelter- I will repair its broken walls and restore its ruins- and will rebuild it as it used to be, so that they may possess the remnant of Edom and all the nations that bear my name”

Cupid’s laboratory 2

Dont forget to check out Cupid’s lab 1 here Cupid’s laboratory

Again, I can’t figure out the spacing, I’m sorry. 

“Oh wait, you do think it’s real, oh gosh, it feels like telling a kid santa isn’t real but very well, if I must. I’m sorry Rebecca but free will isn’t actually real, it was just made by higher-ups so that the working class feel like they actually get to choose how they run their life, you get people to serve you for longer and harder if you get them to believe that that is what they want, that that is what they chose. Okay, think about your job, the reason you go there every morning is because you believe you can quit whenever you want, the thought of you quitting and everyone caring fuels you on, but you know you won’t quit, you know you can’t, you need the money, you don’t actually want to be there.”

 

“That still doesn’t answer my other questions, you’re stalking and drugging people without their permission or knowledge!” Rebecca cried

 

“I like that you’re empathetic, it’s very important for this job. Darling, everyone knows what we do, we don’t exactly try to hide it, you yourself said you heard about us but you didn’t believe it but that’s not our fault now is it? Everyone knows, they’ve given permission, when you sign up to social media, you click on agree and what does it say in the contract? Your information will be saved and could be passed on to other companies, that’s us, when you sign contracts the fine print about where your data is going, that’s us. Now have I answered your questions? If you’d listen I’d like to make you an offer.”

 

She looked at her watch and grinned.

 

“Oh look!” she said flashing her watch in her face “One of our friends is about to tell their significant other they love them for the first time! Right on time, according to our calculations too. We just keep getting better and better.” she grinned. We stared at the watch she was showing us, in the same blue electric colour as the pills, several numbers and codes flashed on its screen.

 

“How do you know what all these numbers and codes mean?” I asked

 

“Well, I’ve been training for my position since I’ve been about five years old, this role is more of a family role you see? My dad had it and then my grandad and my great grandad, I’m actually the first woman to take up my position and not to toot my own horn or anything but I think I’ve run it better than any of them ever could.”

 

“Now I’ve got something very exciting to offer you, I want to offer you a position here, to work with me, to work with us! I know that you girls are currently the best in your individual fields and the DHCR want nothing but the best, come with me I’ll show you the deparments you’ll be working at, all state of the art technology, Rebecca I know you’re an avid fan of that.”  She said as she walked us back to the elevator.

 

“We’ll train you, we’ll pay you, we’ll take care of you, this job, I won’t lie is a very demanding job so we like to take care of our workers, we’ve got in-house therapists, in-house pets that live with us, we have work parties, work vacations where we travel out to the place of our employee of the month’s picking but because I really like you girls, I’ll let you pick just this once” she winked.

 

“This..” she said walking us through another glass door “is one of our very many labs” Rebecca and I stared in awe.

 

“Take a picture ladies, it’ll last longer. Good morning Cassandra”

 

“Chris, what did I tell you about bullying your co-workers?” Chris was an attractive guy, he too had dark hair that contrasted with his pristine labcoat and electrifying blue eyes that seemed to make with the machinery around him.

 

“This is Chris, my younger brother, he is the manages all of our biology labs” Rebecca and I looked at each other once more.

He can manage me.

 

“Nice to meet you ladies.” He said, giving us both firm hand shakes.

 

“This is Rebecca and this is Rachel, hopefully our newest recruits.” Rebecca snorted and I jabbed her gently in the spine.

 

“How long have you been working here?”

 

“Mh, about 5 years now? Some of us weren’t as lucky as Cassandra here who’s got to work here for how many years now? The entirety of her life?”

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, thank you very much. Shall we finish the tour?”

 

..

“So I would really love it if you came to work for us.” Cassandra said as we stood in front of the exit, I looked at Rebecca who was silent, probably contemplating what a shit show the place was.

 

“Yes, thank you so much for taking the time to show us around. This place is an amazing show of science and technology, it’s an honour that you want us to work for this organisation.”

 

“Amazing! Well we’ll keep in touch! Adios, see you soon!” she said and just like that, we were back to the fresh yet gloomy Edinburgh air. We walked to the train station in silent, each contemplating what we’d seen and heard.

 

“Can we get a drink before we go home?” Rebecca asked and I nodded, we walked to Rebecca’s favourite place in the world, Weatherspoon’s.

 

“What an absolute shit show.” Rebecca said as we sat down. “Can you believe that they are essentially drugging people into love? Drugging Rachel! Drugging! We need to do something, tell the police.”

 

“Don’t be so stupid Rebecca, you heard what she said, it’s not what like what they do is exactly a secret, you heard about it you just didn’t believe it and who’s not to say that they aren’t already working with the police? And what would you say? Hey y’all these guys are essentially making humanity better again and helping people find love and happiness, please arrest them. Don’t you think the police would ask why would say that? Then you’d have to say you went there and they told you about M and S and THEN you’d be breaking confidentiality and GET in trouble.”

 

“Surely you can’t actually see what they’re doing as good? Can you?”

 

“I don’t know Rebecca, so far it seems to me like they aren’t doing anything particularly wrong, they’re helping people obtain true and long lasting happiness, they’re helping people with toxic traits and live better lives. Isn’t that better than the tobacco industry or the fast food industry, I mean for the first time, human beings are actually benefitting and not being the butt of the joke.”

 

“Okay but did you see them literally press drugs into Sara and Mark’s bodies? Explain that!”

 

“Fair enough, I don’t get that but hey listen, would you rather, M spent the rest of his life angry and alone and S, marry a guy that doesn’t treat her or respect her properly and they are both super unhappy or would you rather, they get a little bit of nutrients and they’re happy for the rest of their lives? I don’t know about you but I’d rather M unknowingly gets a little norephineprine for now that for him knowingly being on anti-depressants for the rest of his life.”

 

“Ugh. If I didn’t know you, I’d think you already work for them.” Rebecca rolled her eyes as she downed her drink. I laughed and looked at my watch.

 

“What would make you even say that?”

 

Right on time.

I grinned.

 

This wasn’t the post I wanted to have up today but it won’t be ready till Wednesday so come back Wednesday! I hope you enjoyed this post tho! 

Have a blessed week,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

The fleeting nature of time.

Hey boos,
How are you?
Look at me go, I’m on a roll this week. I’ve had all my posts ready before they were due but the question is, will my video be ready before Saturday? (ooft, I’m coming for myself)
So Yesterday, I was getting ready to go into town and as I was getting ready, the pictures that I have hanging on my dresser caught my eye. Now, I’ve had these pictures since 2016 and I’ve never really paid much attention to them but yesterday, they caught my eye and I felt an odd pin prickling feeling in my stomach. As I properly stared at these pictures and saw the smiling and laughing faces of many people that I don’t speak to today, I felt the residue of time passing and not realizing it.
It’s been 3 and 3/4 years since I graduated from high school and I’m already half way through my undergraduate degree. Time flies very quickly and it got me thinking, how many days have I spent not doing the things I should be doing, not appreciating the people I should be appreciating, not treasuring the memories I should be treasuring? If I were back in high school, as cringe as it sounds, I’d tell myself to make the absolute moment of every minute of every day because I’m never going to get that time again, I’m never going to get that environment again and I might never have those people again in the way that I had them then.
Time is just so silent, you never know when it’s going to leave you. One day you’re daydreaming about the life you wish you had and then your life continues to move and before you know it, you find that you spent it daydreaming and never actually living it.
I know this all seems very cheesy but I genuinely want us to realise that although you have the rest of your life,  life is going fast. Even the days that seem to go slow in the grand scheme of things are going extremely fast. I want you to think of a memory, maybe your first high school dance? or your graduation, any memory at all, doesn’t it feel like it was just yesterday? Now calculate how many years have passed since then, isn’t that such a large amount of time?
I always used to hear and read and watch influencers who’d been doing their craft for 7 years, 8 years, 5 years and I used to think “wow, that’s such a long amount of time to be doing something” but I’ve been on this blog for 3 years and it’s such a shock to me because it feels like I’ve just started but if my blog was a child, it’d be walking by now.
I’m not sure if this blog post is a warning that time is fleeting and we’ve got to realise this and cherish every day as often as we can, or an encouragement that if you’re going through a difficult time right now, it’s not going to last forever, even though it seems to be dragging on right now, it won’t be that way forever. Perhaps it’s the sign that you needed, perhaps you really want to start something that is beneficial to you, to the environment, to your community but you keep putting it off because you’re afraid. Stop. Go do it.
There’s a significant difference between not doing something because you’re not mentally/emotionally/physically/financially/spiritually ready**** and not doing something because you are afraid. Everyone’s afraid but you don’t see that stopping them from jumping in planes and preaching the gospel, now do you? Paul was afraid many times in the bible and HE was like THE man, he approached God with fear and trembling but he still went and did what needed to be done.
You have every day, even if you don’t treat it with value (some days just suck, you can’t do anything about it) , make sure you value it.
HAVE a BLESSED day.
Lots of love,
Gedo xx
*Now I feel like I need to say this because I don’t want people jumping into things that they certainly aren’t ready for. Time is going fast, yes that is true, does that mean jump into a business that you’re not ready for? no, it means enjoy this time you have right now getting ready for the business .Enjoy the process, it might not be always fun but it’s not all bad either, enjoy this time because you won’t get it again. Does that mean making a spontaneous decision to drop out of school and pursue your passions? No, not necessarily; having an education is important and you can learn a lot but I understand it’s different for everyone so that’s a decision you’ll have to think about, pray about, discuss with people who are close to you and want the best for you, pray some more  and then make.

April goals; Discipline, activity and hobbies.

Hey boos,

How are you?

I remember last year, I said I was going to start writing a few goals for myself on the blog and then re-visit them at the end of each month so we can all see how well I did, I never actually stuck to that idea but it’s the start of April and there’s no time like the present so let’s do this.

One of the things that I really want to pay attention to this month, is well, myself. I’m currently in the season where I am learning about myself and who I am in Christ and what my full capabilities are, God has watered me to be comfortable in myself but I think now he’s trying to teach me who that self is. So this month I’d like to focus on myself and discipline and one of my goals is to get better at removing emotion from my every day tasks.

Removing emotion from everyday tasks. 

To a lot of people, that might sound very odd but let me explain. I am a very emotion centred person, I focus on how things makes me feel rather than looking at the advantages and disadvantages of doing something and sometimes it helps; I mean, it’s helped me till this point, but at other times it really doesn’t. If I say I want to go to the gym or go to bed or eat healthy but I don’t feel like it, nine times out of ten, I won’t do it. My goal is to look at everyday tasks logically and not let my emotions, what feels good and what doesn’t feel good, decide whether I do the tasks I need to do or not.

Keeping my environment tidy.

I struggle with keeping my environment in order and that stems again from my previous point, if I don’t feel like tidying my room, I just won’t do it and that often leads to me doing a lot more deep cleans than necessary. This month I’d like to focus on keeping my environment tidy, putting things away right after use, if I see something that needs cleaning, cleaning it right away instead of letting it pile up. 

Seeing my blog and youtube as a job rather than as a hobby. 

This again might cause people to be like huh? why would you want to do that? Well again, my first point, if I don’t feel like writing on my blog or filming a video, because in my head, it’s just something I do for fun, I won’t do it. I don’t create content as often as I should or as often as I could, however if I start seeing my blog and youtube as a job, as something I have to do, it will encourage me to get consistent and work better. 

Be on my feet more. 

I want to encourage myself to be more active, walking when I can instead of taking the bus, being outdoors more and enjoying the nature and the fantastic body and ability that God has given me. The thing about me is, I actually do really enjoy being active, I love jogs and I love walking, I’m sure I’d love hiking, I enjoy moving around and doing things but I’ve never been disciplined with myself enough to explore that part of me, so I’d like to see where I can go this month with that. 

I don’t encourage anyone to copy these goals or way of thinking if it does not benefit them. For example if you are a person that value work over their life and never takes a break then I would never want you to see your hobby as your job as that would suck away the fun right out of it for you. I challenge you to think about who you are and set goals that will excite you and challenge you and help you discover more about yourself than you ever knew.

We’ll catch up again at the end of the month.

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

Kind for kindness sake

“Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else” 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Hey boos,

How are you?

I haven’t been on this scene in such a long time, I apologise. I’m probably the worst blogger ever at this point but never fear, I’m genuinely going to try and upload more times a week because I have a lot of thoughts. Shall we try Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 

Today, I want to talk about kindness and why it is so important for us to make sure we show kindness to everyone, every single person.  The definition of kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. We live in a society today, and I say this all the time, where being mean is glorified. It’s worse in Western societies where we have individualistic values, so instead of pouring into the community, pouring into each other, we’d rather pour into ourselves which is good, but not all the time.

I really believe that kindness is often times the right choice, we can’t read each other minds or know what the other person is thinking and because of that, it’s so important to treat each and everyone with kindness and respect.

The things that I remember the most and love to remember the most are kind actions that people have done to me, like once I had to carry my suitcase up some flight of stairs and I remember being a little bit stressed because I had to carry it and this guy, randomly out of nowhere comes and he takes my suitcase and helps me carry it up the flight of stairs, (S/O to you dude, I hope you’re good). I remember when I was ill and my friend went and got paracetamol for me and another time when I was ill and one of my friends helped me get something from the supermarket.

When we put ourselves in the mind of kindness, we make small yet powerful impacts in the lives of others. I truly believe that the world smiles back at us when we are kind,  kind consistently and kind for kindness sake. Call me cheesy but I wholeheartedly believe in the phrase “when you smile at the world, the world smiles back”. When we are kind to other people, we become more positive, life is a little sweeter, we enjoy things a lot more.

Myself for example, I spent a long portion of my life believing that being mean was cool, that if I didn’t smile and if I pretended I was cold and unfeeling, people would respect me and want to get to know me but I wasn’t really content*, the relationships I had never really ran deep, I honestly just wasn’t having a good time. Then I got closer to God and my faith and saw how much God talked about love so I embraced that idea and honestly my life is a lot better, I feel a lot more positive, I’m genuinely excited about life and I genuinely love people (people still annoy me A LOT tho, dont get me wrong)

I’m not saying that there will be one big overnight change, you smile at one person and all of a sudden your anxiety goes away but I think if we take small steps to get outside of our heads, the moment we learn to do things for another person’s benefits; small things like open doors, smile more, be there for friends and family, be encouraging, be more appreciative, rather than thinking about what WE might gain from it, we are one step closer to finding contentedness in this fast paced, over-achieving world.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this tidbit, let me know what you think in the comments below!

Have a blessed day,

Lots of love,

Gedo xx

 

*Now I’m not saying that everyone is like or should be like me, there are some people who are naturally reserved or really shy or are just not very good at being there for other people. Being kind can be different for everyone depending on who you are and what you’re like, for some people being kind can look like not making someone who looks extremely uncomfortable speaking, speak all the time. It can look like not asking someone to do something for you because you know that they are extremely busy, it can look like giving someone the change they need. Any way in which an action is not necessary and not beneficial to you but beneficial to someone else can be seen as kindness, I reckon.

** If you go to hug someone and they say “no, thank you. I’m not comfortable with hugs.” and you don’t hug them, that’s not kindness, that’s what you should do. If you see them later on and they are looking a bit down and a bit upset, you encouraging them and listening to them not because you want to go talk about them with your friends later or because it’ll make you seem like a good person but simply because they need it, that’s kindness.

Cupid’s laboratory

WordPress won’t let me change the spacing so it all looks chunked together and it annoys me so much but there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m sorry :(( You can bet I won’t be recommending this site to A FRIEND. 

“Welcome to the Department of Human Connections and Relationships, the DHCR,  Cupid’s lab!” The lady grinned, her bright red lipstick overpowering her features, she had dark flowing hair that contrasted with her extremely white labcoat and soft brown eyes.
Rebecca and I looked at each other, essentially with the same thought.

That lipstick is way too red.
“Shall we jump right in? I am certain everything will begin to make sense as we continue,” she said, smiling again, she had a booming voice that sound cheerful with a hint of something else.
“We have very strict policies here because the data we hold is very confidential which is why we made you sign a very hefty confidentiality report, I’m sorry about that but protocol, what can you do, am I right?” she laughed as she led us into a transparent elevator.
“Right, if you’d just stand against these panels.” she smiled, Rebecca and I stared at each other but did as she said. She strapped us in with what seemed like a seat belt before stepping back.

“Safety.” She said before strapping herself opposite us
“Level 236.” As soon as the typed that in, it felt as though we were going down an extremely fast rollercoaster but before we could administer what was going on, we came to a halt.
“We’re here.” she smiled, I made the motion to unstrap myself.
“I wouldn’t do that yet, your body hasn’t adjusted yet and you’ll just fall to the ground like gloop.” She made us stay in the position for 5 minutes before unstrapping us, our legs did feel shaky but solid.
“Technology is amazing isn’t it? Right shall I begin with the boring stuff, so we are the DHCR like I said and we specialise in Human connections and relationships, we work using science, mathematics, psychology and technology to create long lasting relationships.”
“I’ve heard about you..” Rebecca said in disbelief “ but I didn’t think you guys actually existed..” The lady turned around with a gleam in her eyes
“Well, we are very much real,” she said walking us down a glass corridor.
“I’m taking you to one of our libraries, technically I’m not allowed to but I run this place so I can do whatever I like.” she giggled.
“This way.” She said stopping in front a giant steel door. She stopped at the doors and did signals with her hands, it was like she was signing. Rebecca and I stared at each other again.

“I’m scared.” I mouthed, Rebecca nodded.
“Oh you have nothing to be scared of Rachel, you’re not going to get hurt, I promise, it’s all really exciting really!” the lady said

“My name is Cassandra by the way, but you two are allowed to call me C, now shall we head?” she said nodding at the open door. In front of us lay a big dim room  with a huge screen, around it were rows and rows and rows of glowing blue pills held in glass circular containers.
“We’ve managed to condense information of the people that live in the district, from their genetic information to the last thing they watched on the internet onto those little pods.” She typed up a code on the screen and entered it and in a matter of nanoseconds, she had one of the little snow globes in her hand.
“So what you do is..” she said “You type in the code that is complementary to the numbers you saw me type on the screen, everyone that works in the library has to know these numbers by heart as that is the only thing we do not keep record of.”
“But there are tons here,” Rebecca said looking around
“We get them young.” she smiled “and then voila..” the snowglobe opened up and in it was the little pill, she carefully took it out and placed it into a slot on the screen. A lot of numbers in the same electric blue colour popped up on the screen.
“This is everyone that lives on that street” she said touching the screen, enlarging it.
“Pick a number, any number.” Rebecca and I looked at each other again before she stepped forward confidently and picked the third one to the right.
“Good choice, just click on it.” Rebecca clicked on it and what came up seemed a bit like a facebook profile. There was a name and last name, Mark Schatcher, a profile picture, timeline, about, friends and more, a bit underwhelming.
“Mark Schatcher is actually one of my favourites, he’s truly a special one. To be honest though, I think they’re all special, Mark came up on our radar,” she said clicking timeline and scrolling down “When he moved to this district at about 25, and the poor thing, all he really wanted was love but he was struggling with a lot of anger, it would have been a toxic relationship. So over the years we’ve been helping him with his hormone levels, inserting mostly serotonin and GABA to help him calm down and melatonin to help sleep. Looks like he’s due for a dose right now actually.” she said squinting into the screen before typing in another set of numbers.
“Our devices are linked with the electronic devices and plumbing of everyone that lives in this district, we have access to microwaves, taps, television, air vents, small things like that.”
“He’s been doing really well,” she said turning back to us, “as you can see..” she said pulling up a chart “the rate of his outbursts has sufficiently decreased since he moved here and his satisfaction with life is a lot better.”
“Is this legal?”
“Ofcourse it is! We have the best intentions for our friends and we deem them of highest regard, which is why we have such a heavy confidentiality protocol, we don’t want their information getting into the wrong hands.” she beamed again.
“Now this is where the magic really happens.” She typed in another code that caused for another snow globe to pop out from the bottom of the screen, she popped in another blue pill in another slot.
“So do you just type out the individual code to one of these balls and the computer recognises it and gets it?”
“Yes, our library devices are linked to all our libraries or databases so really all we need to know is the code and we can get the pill from anywhere in the world.”
“In the world?” Rebecca asked
“Ofcourse, we have millions of bases all over the world.”
“This is Sara” she said pulling up her profile next to his “She’s incredibly fun and in many ways very unlike Mark, you’d think they wouldn’t get on very well but according to our probability calculations, their relationship has the best outcome,  the lowest cost but the highest benefit ratio.”
“Essentially what we do is, we take a look at everyone’s genetic information, their interests, their neurochemistry, background and then we calculate what relationships are more likely to last the longest, to produce the best offspring and be of greater benefit to society. We also calculate when the two people are most likely to meet or collide I suppose, whilst we do that we get rid of any particular chemical imbalances, health, behavioural and relationship issues that might get in the way of the relationship or their life in general, in Mike’s case anger, then we move on to phase two which is very exciting!”
“What? Love at first sight?” Rebecca scoffed, Cassandra turned to face her, indignant.
“Ofcourse not! Love at first sight does not exist, but I’ll tell you what does, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin, these group of neurotransmitters make up attraction, we inject just a little bit more of that every time the pair see each other, I try to prolong it as long as possible because that’s my favourite part but we work strictly according to our calculations and today is an exciting day because today Mark is going to walk past Sara for the very first time.”
“How does that even happen? You can’t just plan people bumping into each other?” I said
“That is true..” she said before pulling up a map, some dots were pink, some dots were blue and a few of them were purple.
“These are the routes Sara and Mark have taken this month and the parts that are marked purple are the routes they’ve both taken, now according to our calculations, they are both most likely to be boarding this shuttle to central in about a few seconds, I’m so excited! Let’s watch!” she said pulling up a video
“Do you see them, right there!” she said zooming in on their faces, Mark was standing whilst Sara was sat in between and old woman and a child.
“Now watch.” we watched as Mark walked past Sara and that was it.
“Is that it?” Rebecca asked “He didn’t even look at her!”
“You weren’t focusing on the right things, now I’ll slow it down, watch again, watch the child the guy Mark has to scoot past to get out.” She slows down the video and zooms into the hand of the child, it’s extremely tiny but we see it, it’s a tiny pill, he rests his hand by the girl’s thigh and gently pushes it in, it almost looks as if he just had a slight twitch.
“That’s him injecting her with just a little of the transmitters, it breaks down into the epidermis  and dissolves into the bloodstream to the brain, now look at the guy beside Mark.” The man looks as if he’s going to grab hold on to rail, wedged in between his fingers is the pill but he clutches Mark’s hand to by accident, Mark removes his hand and moves towards the door past Sara, she zooms into his head as he walks past, we see his eyes move towards Sara’s direction, he does look at her just in the most inconspicuous way possible.
“In about 2 months, May 7th at 5:39 pm, ” she said pulling up Mark’s timeline again, “M is going to meet Esme, one of our on-ground workers, they do more of the hands on work, she’s going to act as M and S’s mutual friend, 7 months after that, December 27th, Esme will introduce M and S at a get-together and in 3 years, 6 months and approximately 17 days, M will pluck up the courage to ask S out, Beautiful isn’t it?” she smiled
“Why are you showing us this?” Rebecca asked, looking at me horrified “You’re stalking people and drugging them all without their knowledge and free wil-”
“Oh Rebecca,” Cassandra said taking out the blue pill and putting it back in its casing “people don’t want free will, they just like the idea of it, they just like the sound of it, I mean surely you don’t think you actually have free will do you?” she laughed

Vote of thanks

Hey boos,

So first of all, I don’t know if I’ve used “vote of thanks” in its correct context however I feel like if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know I have some really questionable titles (see strength is not the yeeting of love)

Anyway, if you know or perharps you didn’t know (or you knew but you didn’t care, or you didn’t care and you didn’t know or you- )Anyway! I got baptised today (weyhey) and I just feel this huge sense of appreciation, I at first was gonna do a quick social media post but then I remembered I have a blog (ooop) and this is essentially what a blog is for, a place where I can go on and on (and on and on and on and on it goes)

image

So I just wanted to say thank you, to the people in my life, to the people who came to see me take this huge step today, to people who wanted to make it but couldn’t, to people who have influenced my life one way or the other, whether it be love or learning.

I haven’t always been the cheeriest of people, and I haven’t always been the most positive but now I’m just so grateful for everyone in my life. Family and friends, people that I’ve known my whole life or met for the first time today. I’m thankful for those that have stood by me in the happiest of times, those that who have stood by me in the toughest of times and those have gotten me prawn tempura at 10 pm in the night (wink)

This isn’t just for people who have shared deep moments with me, this is for everyone who has shared something with me, whether it be memes, hugs, deadline dates, a smile, a flat, a compliment when I didn’t feel great.

This is for all the superheros and legends, for walking me back at 12 am at night in the rain when you didn’t have to, putting up with my constant rambles and speaking to me at 3 am, after a night out because my insecurities were playing up again.

I want to say a phat thank you to those that still speak to me even though I make fun of them all the time (I love y’all really), to those that have cooked me food because I couldn’t be bothered to cook and listened to me whine about how annoying my crush of the week is (he’s v annoying tbf), to those who have taken the role of boyfriend until one actually comes (you’re doing a great job sweetie)

I want to say thank you to friends who have known to keep their distance and those who know I’d rather they kept their distance but still approach me anyway because they know deep down, I really need to talk about it. To those who’ve been patient enough to explain things to me and lend me books and speak to me first because #ambivert.

I want to say thank you for the tiny things people do that they think I might not notice like asking me if I’ve got my keys because they know how forgetful I am or asking me if I want to keep my phone in their purse or if I need a hand or not making me use a Halloween filter because they know I don’t celebrate Halloween or opting to be there as a moderator in situations I don’t know how to control.

I want to say thank you to those who have confided in me, for being honest when I ask how are you (cause when I ask I actually mean it!), for those who come to me first because they know I will listen, thank you for sharing your heart with me, you didn’t have to but you did.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to friends that I don’t speak to anymore, friendships that withered away because we grew apart or we weren’t compatible. Thank you for your friendship, you were a blessing in my life and thank you for being civil whenever we do see, I appreciate that. If you ever need me still, I’ve got your back.

If I’ve known you for a day or for 20 years, I love you. I do, and people might say well Gedo you can’t love someone you’ve just met but you can and I’m the living example of that, people are great, what’s not to love 🤷🏾‍♀️ (Except the ones that aren’t…well..yknow..)

This is probably the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written (well debatable, I used to write one direction fanfic yikes) but it’s also the truest thing I’ve ever written.

I never thought I’d be one of those girls that were super positive and used the “!!!”  a lot and just shoved how much they love their friends down everyone’s throat but then here I am (now me probably would annoy then me so much lol) happier than ever, thank God for God (amirite)

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Anyway this blog post wasn’t planned, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone because I appreciate and love you all and honestly, I could probably easily write a whole dissertation plus extended essay plus research paper but y’know I need to eat.

But yea,

thank you guys 🙂

I love youuuuu (..ish)

 

 

strength is not the absence of love

Pink is not a colour of weakness. 

For centuries, we have been conditioned to believe that people who are gentle, people who are kind, people who are loving are weak. We’ve been led to believe that in order to be strong, you must be the loudest one in the room, you must be big, you must never retreat, you must be angry, you must be cold, you must be red. 

Pink is strong. 

Pink understands the first law of thermodynamics. 

Pink knows that energy cannot be created or lost, it can either be transferred or change (take that all hard science students that think psychology is NOT A REAL SCIENCE). Pink understands that hurt is energy and although pink can’t destroy hurt, pink knows that pink won’t transfer it, so even though you push pink, even though you toss pink, even though you use and misuse pink, pink won’t shove his younger brother out of the way, pink won’t shut off her friends. 

Pink is strong

Pink can fight

Pink can probably fight better than you. Pink can throw hard blows.

Pink takes self defences 3 times a week, I wouldn’t mess with pink if I was you. 

Pink is strong.

Pink knows how easy it is to frown, Pink’s probably done it before. Pink knows how easy it is to be cold and pretend you don’t care about anyone but yourself, Pink also knows how lonely it is. Pink knows that although intimidation is cool in movies, it doesn’t really work in real life.

Pink knows people need people and people need people that smile, people need people that laugh at jokes even when they’re not funny, people need people that support wholeheartedly, people need people that are optimistic, people need people that encourage

Pink understands how important just a simple smile is. 

Pink smiles. 

Pink can insult you. 

Pink knows exactly what to say to make you fall to your knees, Pink knows your patterns, your insecurities, Pink could break you if Pink wanted to but Pink understands that life is hard enough. Pink is soft, pink will absorb it, you need that. 

Pink is small

Pink is small but Pink knows that you don’t need to be big to be great, Pink knows that you have to be small to fill up the gaps. Pink also knows you don’t need to be the loudest to be at the top, so Pink has mastered the art of silence. Pink looks around when everyone speaks, Pink now understands that you enjoy being asked questions about your career so don’t be surprised if Pink consistently asks you about how your internships are going. 

Pink could be red. 

Pink has probably been red. 

But Pink knows that people don’t need red. 

People need Pink. 

So Pink will be Pink. 

Just because strength is not as how you see it, that does not mean that it is not there.

There is a lot more strength in smiling, in backing down in an argument, in letting someone go first even after they’ve tried to cut you in the line than there is fighting back. 

There has been a lot of emphasis and praise, especially in recent times on being the type of person that does not care, there is also this belief that because you’ve been hurt in previous relationships, that means that you must harden your heart to everyone. I admit that I too operated under this unspoken law until I understood that I shouldn’t, I can’t, let someone alter my behaviour based on their bad choices. It doesn’t make any sense, why should I change for someone else’s mistake? And why should other people pay for that person’s mistake?

It seems as though people don’t understand that this has a negative effect, if you treat someone as though they are going to hurt you or that they might hurt you, they will eventually drift away from you because people don’t want to be made to feel like they are walking on egg shells. 

There lies greater strength in opening your heart to people. 

ANYWAY, that’s all for another day. 

Have a blessed week, 

Lots of love, 

Gedo xx

 

 

two.

Nestle had always been a “too” since she was a baby.

She was always too much

or too little.

She was either too small or too big

She was too strong, too rough, too passionate, she had too many edges, she asked too many questions.

Tetley had always been a “to”

He was always in the background.

He was never the subject or the object but simply took his position between them.

In his last year of high school, his 4th girlfriend (he’d had one for every year)  had had a conversation with him he had tried to forget, she was trying to break up with him and he was trying to understand why.

“This isn’t about me is it?” he asked, referring to the breakup

“That’s the problem T, this isn’t about you, it’s NEVER about you! It’s always about me, it’s always “how’s YOUR day” or “what do YOU want to do” or “okay if YOU want” It’s like your life does not exist without me, it’s like YOU don’t exist without me, without someone, like you can never be alone because then there is nothing about you. Tell me, have you ever said or done anything that wasn’t completely influenced by someone else?”

And that’s exactly what had brought him to the dodgiest centre he had ever had the displeasure of seeing. 1/2 of the neon letters in its sign had stopped working so instead of being “Bobby’s pleasure centre”, it  looked  like “Bby’s ere entr”, it looked a bit ominous if T was being honest and the thought of going home had crossed his mind but he swatted it away.

His ex girlfriend’s words had stayed with him even though he was in his third year of University now, he had seen the advertisement for this free ballroom dancing class on gumtree and the conversation he  had with her came flooding back to him because he  once told her it was something he’d like to do, but she said it was too cringey so he didn’t. He signed up without much thought, that would show her, also the girl he was currently talking to said she really liked boys who did “out of character” things, joining the rugby team at his University was most certainly not an option as his somewhat skinny frame would break if any of the athletic rugby lads so much as looked at him and atleast if he embarrassed himself here, no one would know about it.

She had noticed him first.

He wasn’t exceptionally good looking but Nestle liked that, she didn’t like boys that were goodlooking, she always found them somewhat inauthentic, he had a boyish features and ginger hair, features that she wouldn’t normally find attractive but he worked with them well.

Nestle was certain she had found the love of her life or maybe it’s the dim lighting and the adrenaline from the fact that there is atleast one cute guy here, she smiled at the thought.

Well I hope he doesn’t wear that shirt at our wedding, Nestle laughed silently and rolled her eyes at the thought. I’m so annoying. 

T scanned the room, there was a comfortable amount of people, comfortable in that it wasn’t cramped enough to feel claustrophobic but not too few to feel self conscious. There was a good mix of guys and women but it seemed as though most were either couples or  friends, everyone seemed to know each other. His eyes stopped at a girl who seemed to be a bit farther away from the crowd, she was a black girl with cool dark blue braids in, T had had enough black friends to know that that probably wasn’t her real hair and to know that commenting on it was probably not the best conversation starter, except maybe if it was a compliment but then she’d probably have heard that a lot. He still thought it was cool though.

She was smiling and maybe it was the lighting but she had a beautiful smile.

The instructor called for everyone to gather in a circle, possibly introduce himself and give some instructions, T wasn’t  paying attention.

His eyes looked for hers again.

She was standing right underneath the light this time, directly opposite him. Her eyes were gleaming and she tilted her neck slightly, she stared at the instructor in deep concentration, she was quite cute. His eyes moved downwards, she was wearing a black turtle neck and mid length tartan skirt. He looked down at his own choice of attire, a purple and white plaid shirt and jeans, his favourite.

T was never one to shy away from conversation or from people, he liked talking, he liked making jokes, he liked being around people, it made him feel cool, for lack of better word and  under normal circumstances, he would just stroll to her and ask her if she’d be his partner but she made him nervous, like she might look at him and see his whole life and not be interested.

The instructor was now calling for everyone to find partners and everyone was looking to each other, she had moved away from the light.

Waiting.

Waiting to be chosen, she sighed and looked around, she couldn’t understand why people never chose her, why she was always left on the sidelines. She looked at the cute guy who was currently staring at another girl, this always happened to her, she was never going to be chosen.

He wasn’t sure what to do but he knew he didn’t really have much time to think, it was either now or never. His legs started first and before he knew he was right in front of her,  he had walked up to her and she couldn’t believe it, she was smiling again, this time with teeth and she was beautiful.

And she was still beautiful when he placed his arm, in the most cutest awkward way she had ever seen, around her waist.

And gosh, was she beautiful when he spun her, because her skirt spun too and she laughed and if this was a ball, she would definitely be the belle.

“So what’s your name?” she asked in the break, her eyes soft but like fire at the same time, piercing, daring almost.

“Well people call me T,” he responded hoping she wouldn’t ask him his full name “What’s yours?”

“Surely, it must come from something,” she laughed “What’s your full name?” she sounded like she actually cared about what he had to say, she looked like she wanted to know everything about him.

“Promise you won’t laugh, I hate my name, like I feel like my parents were having a laugh when they named me.” He said smiling, she laughed, he had such a lovely smile and his voice was nothing like anything she thought she would be attracted to but she loved it, she would have never thought that an Irish accent could  be remotely sexy, especially after how many times she had heard it.

“Let’s hear it then.”

“My full name is Tetley,” she couldn’t help laughing at the coincidence, it was just too humorous.

“I told you not to laugh!” he said like a child, which only made her laugh harder. he had an amused expression on his face which made her crush for him intensify and his eyes, his eyes were so piercing, they made her feel like a girl and a woman at the same time.

“No! No!” she said in between giggles “It’s not that, it’s just..” she said

“Just what?” he asked, crossing his arms again like a defensive child.

“My name is Nestle.” He couldn’t contain it himself either and laughed

“Are you serious?” He said through chuckles

“I guess our parents really enjoyed breakfast beverages.”

The conversation rolled on for the rest of the night. She called him Tea and he in return called her Mocha, because that was her favourite coffee. He went to the University of Edinburgh and she went to Heriot Watt, she gave him the facts about why Heriot Watt was superior, he didn’t agree. They both agreed One Direction was the best thing that happened to them  however he was very “After Zayn” and she was “Before Zayn”.

She was different, she had responses.

He listened.

She was fast with her remarks.

He asked questions.

She understood all his references.

He knew his memes.

She even had ones he did not recognise.

There were so many things she could tag him in.

She was funny.

He laughed at her jokes.

She was energetic.

He was grounded.

She was eager.

He was calm.

She asked questions.

He didn’t make her feel like a nuisance.

She was passionate.

He understood.

She was strong.

He was strong.

Even though she was little, her personality was big and she wasn’t afraid.

Even though he was big, he didn’t make her feel little.

She was honest.

He was kind.

She made him feel like he was the most interesting person in the world, he actually started believing he might be.

He made her feel just enough.

 

The class ended too quickly.

She wasn’t ready to go home yet, he had to make her stay.

He had to.

“Anywhere I can take you to?” He asked, grinning.

“Well, I guess I’m not too tired.” She responded.

And so they left together, to find a place for two.